Leaving On a Jet Plane

At last, my long awaited trip to Korea is finally here. I shall board my plane in exactly 7 hours. I am both nervous and excited.

Back in July (i think) when we had our OMHS program, my group had to do some research on the Role of Health Officers in the Import and Export of Food Products. That was out main topic. From there we branched out; we drafted a separate research paper on palm oil, Malaysia's biggest export. Our supervisor disagreed, saying it is not enough for our main report. So instead of scraping the idea, we wrote a separate abstract(summary) and submitted it to the APACPH Committee. We settled our main report, presented it, and left it there. Fast forward a dew weeks and behold: your abstract has been accepted for the 43rd APACPH Conference in Seoul, South Korea.

Ooh, the excitement that came over our group was feverish. Over the next few days, word got out and it was all any of us could talk about. Our mismatched group of 4 : myself, Loo Kar Yee, Nur 'Afeena Al-Fahmi and Mukhlis Ahmad Azam became the envy of other group members. Hahaha....I was almost immediately worried : crap, we only have an abstract, what on earth are we going to present????

Well, we got to work on sponsorship. First, from the university : UM agreed to sponsor our conference fees, USD250 per person. So we bought our flight tickets by individual means, registered and RSVP-d our attendance for the conference. Next we tried the Clinical Research Committee for sponsorship....no avail. Then I emailed the Korean Embassy and received no reply. Afeena contacted the Malaysian Palm Oil Board who declined to provide sponsorship. As much as our Korea trip was starting to become a reality, the picture seemed rather bleak.

Until, Hari Raya came along...I was telling my mother our progress and our sponsorship predicament when she uttered the magic words : I'd rather pay for your trip and let you all focus on your studies and presentation rather than let you waste time focusing on the nitty-gritty stuff. And with that, we had RM 5000 in bank! I could almost feel the energy revive within my group.

Kar yee : this is not a dream is it?

Afeena : you mom is so generous!! how are we gonna thank her?

Mukhlis : Dima i love your mom...muahks aunty, muahks!

And with that, i immediately started researching and planning out 10-day trip. Drafted out the itinerary, discussed with my groupmates and estimated the costs. Then came the icing on the cake : my grandmother was willing to give us RM2000. And with that, ALL our expenses are taken care of : flight tickets to Jeju island, accommodations for Jeju and the conference, subway passes, as well as all the entry fees for our sightseeing.

Once all of that was settled came the work : our poster. We sat and discussed, but not much research was available online. Time was of the essence : we were in different postings and it was difficult to find time to visit and meet people. The 3 of them went to the Malaysian Palm Oil Board library and did the research; then Karyee and I read through the papers, I drafted the bulk of the report while Afeena and Kar Yee filled the gaps and did the nitty-gritty. When I was done, Kar Yee and Mukhlis summarised it and designed the poster, Afeena checked with our supervisor and settled the printing. Whew! All in the span of 4 weeks. Yet we still found time to go shopping for shoes & gloves.

Korea is finally a reality. And in just a few hours, we will regroup at the LCCT. My neurotic side is already kicking in : did i pack enough stuff? Is it the correct clothes? Will we be able to stick t our plan? Do i have enough stamina for all this? Is my cash & passport safe? What else do i need?

so that's the story of how this trip came to be. Leaving On a Jet Plane...the song has been stuck in my head since last night. Oh well, i better go check my packing one last time. Goodbye, Malaysia! I'll see you in 10 days.

Recap!!!

Three months without a single entry...partly due to a busy schedule and the other part no-thanks to a malfunctioning laptop! There's a quote i read somewhere in my grandma's house of treasures: To err, is human; to really foul things up requires a computer. Ha!

So here i am, home sweet home in Penang....but i'll be heading back to KL in less than 12 hours... Thought i'd do some writing. Here goes :

1) Laser Tag

It was SOOOOOOO much fun!!! More fun than i expected. Do not believe the Hollywood its-only-for-geeks stigma. I was skeptical coz i thought i'd be winded before the end of the first round...haha! Thankfully i had my friend Avni who literally forced me to come along. She said a group of us were going, so here i thought only 5-6 of us....turns out the 5-6 of us were joining her church group, making us a massive crowd of 22 pax. Wohoo!! Nevermind the fact i dont know anyone (well..maybe i knew 3 ppl), it was pure 100% unadulterated good clean sweaty fun. 5 rounds, 10 minutes each and we get to wear these cool vests that light up with our team colour, guns that shoot out green laser beams (& tells us who shot us!!) and run around a dark obstacle-filled battlezone. Hiding behind barricades, sniping, running guerrila-style, attack, defense...we did it all. It was great we came prepared wearing all-black & sports shoes.

2) Ali Baba

This has got to be my favourite night spot, hands down! Beats my previous night spot in Jalan Damai before DBKL tore it down. Alibaba is an open-air Iranian restaurant, populated 80-90% by middle-eastern/Iranian customers. On weekend nights they have a live band playing Iranian pop songs and and open dance floor. Free for all! The ambience is beautiful, and my girl friends and i go there around once a month just to chat, have some food and smoke sheesha....get a lil buzz goin and then, right before leaving we join the dance floor!! Who'd have thought i'd be dancing in public (and on high-heels too!). Even the waiters there have recognized me...which isn't difficult to do considering only the Iranians populating the dance floor. Not difficult to see a Malaysian girl in tudung among the fair crowd. Hehehe....all in the name of good fun. Fr some reason i can justify dancing in Alibaba the way i do dancing at private parties as opposed to clubbing...coz it really is just dancing : no drunkenness, no groping...just pure fun

3) OMHS-Korea

I don't wanna say much about OMHS coz frankly i'm already sick of it. It was a public health posting, and my group was sent to KLang District to study the role of health officers in the importation & exportation of food products, among other things. Well, the 4 of us (KarYee, Afeena, Mukhlis & myself) sent in an abstract regarding the safety of malaysian palm oil and it got accepted for a poster presentation in the APACPH (Asia-Pacific Public Health) Conference in Seoul, Korea! They're all very excited and I'm like, what the hell are we gonna present? The department will only sponsor 1 person...which we consider unfair coz it was truly a team effort so they are working on sponsorship from elsewhere. God, i just hope everything goes according.

4) Ramadhan & Laa Tahzan

This year for some reason I'm excited for Ramadhan...now is already the 7th day. I guess it is just the perfect timing for new beginnings. I also bought the book Laa Tahzan which means Don't Be Sad...it has been recommended to me by several people and since its ramadhan i think they're having a promotion on religious books so i keep seeing it everywhere. I took it as a sign to read it. Not to mention the fact that I gotta get my drive and focus back after a potential love interest gone astray...all in all, a good time for a dose of self-motivation. I'm only 50 pages into it, and so far so good!

I think that is it. Hopefully things will be looking up for me from now on. I've reconnected with friends, made some new ones, taken some steps to help myself...so i believe i have the right tools in hand to make it through this darn stretch of MBBS.

Just gotta remember to stay POSiTiVE!

Thanks for reading. Till next time, ciao.

Do I Forgive You?

Everyone screws up. That's life they say. It's about how you get out of that mess, overcome that obstacle that makes you a better person.

I skip classes. A LOT. Its my biggest practical non-personal/emotional problem these recent years. After all it did cost me a year of medical school.

There are many reasons behind them. Sometimes its my depression : i just cant get our of bed, probably haven't eaten anything substantial in days yet i'd rather be alone in my room than risk seeing another human being. not attending class is both cause & effect of my milder episodes of low mood. Its a vicious cycle i am trying so very hard to break.

The way I see it there are three ways i destroy myself when it comes to my school.

1)deliberately missing class i.e. premeditatedly choosing not to go

2)accidentally missing class i.e. those days i completely get schedules mixed up or murder the alarm clock

3)the self sabotage i.e i have no idea why i missed that class despite being capable & wanting to attend

Scenario 3 is most common. I have no idea why. Sometimes i am already academically and/or physically prepared to go, but just didnt take the first step out of my door. Sometimes i am completely unprepared despite knowing it is my turn to present or to shine and just skip the class. Or i go and then feel horrible and project a negative outlook on the rest of the days. Sometimes i have all the time & interest in the world but something holds me back and i procrastinate until it is impossible to do a decent assignment.

Do you see the pattern of self-sabotage? I am setting myself up for failure and I dont know why!!! This train is on autopilot and i've almost exhausted my faculties trying to change it.

I have no idea the reasons behind my hesitations and reservations. I can only do guesswork and take in outsider input. They slap the label LAZY, some will suggest an underlying fear, some say i'm in the wrong field which is why it seems so difficult to do the simplest things like get-up-and-go in the mornings. Me? i think its the prediction i made many years ago when applying into medical school : i said to my father; i'm not worried about the academics, it is the practical side i'm scared of coz i'm never been good with practical stuff.

so you see...now being in clinical years, the final years...it is all about proving yourself in the shoes of the doctor and it terrifies me. No matter how many classmates & friends reassure me that i am doing well and that i have great confidence, I just cant shake it. I am paralysed at the mere thought of potentially doing something wrong and embarassing myself. Yet i know i have to get over this....else i'd never move on.

See how i dissect myself? No wonder I barely have energy for anything else. But if I dont scrutinize myself noone will help me find my answers. Who gives a fuck if outsiders like a certain awang doesnt understand.

So. can i forgive myself for missing classes?

Quarter of a Century

Today, 2 days after my birthday and i am still enjoying the spoils : had carrot cake with the yummu cream cheese frosting (courtesy of my ex-roomate, Syu) and a nice cup of Nescafe for my breakfats...bliss

I had so much fun over my birthday weekend that i just had to write about it. I think I can honestly say that i've never been so child-like excited over my birthday in years...you can almost see that conical birthday hat on my head. I'm happy and i love it.

May 15th 2011, i turned 25...exactly 25 years ago my mum, aged 25 gave birth to me.

I'd say my birthday festivities started the day before, on saturday. A friend of mine asked to go ice-skating...i haven't done so in at least 5 years; i want sure i'd even remember how to do it!! I've been putting off going skating with friends on account of conflicting schedules & my mood lows...so i immediately said yes. afterall its more friend going with someone than by yourself, right?

And yeah, i was shaking as hell!! a stark contrast to the carefree gliding i did 5 years back. I believe its my restless unconscious afriad of losing control & embarassment at work. Took me a while to get into the flow of things. Hehehe. The experience was fun, and therapeutic. You see, the last time i went skating was with someone really personal to me...and mind you she was a definite rookie, and i was guiding her through it. So, i has always wanted to come back...the same way i wanna go back to Genting....just to have one last hold on memories and say goodbye.

Of course, my new friend had no idea of this and we just chat and had fun....and had a massive sushi dinner afterwards. I was so stuffed, felt like a curry puff. I had fun. Then i sent him off, and got myself ready for the K.I.D.S Malaysia meeting that night.... The meeting ran till almost 1am. Needless to say, I slept like a log which in itself, was fun!

The next morning, my birthday. I spent the entire day checking on Facebook, responding to all the birthday wishes. I guess its the modern-day substitute to an old fashioned Birthday Card. I responded to the wished individually (all 80+ of them!!), just because I was so excited and wanted to show my appreciation to my friends. I felt so loved. Virtually.

Later that evening i went over to dad's and all of us (with my stepmum's family) went for a steamboat dinner. Very appropriate to the rainy weather outside. We went back home, and had a mini-celebration with something cake-like : Mercedes de Brasso...something they brought from the Phillippines. On the outside its marshmallowey. with a creamy caramel custard centre. So that was my 'birthday cake'. After that, karaoke! It was fun, albeit low-key...suitable with the older age group. Haha. I had the higherst solo score for the night!!! what song was it? I think it was Richard Marx, Right Here Waiting...wohoo!

Monday, i was oncall at the Psychiatric clinic. Ultimately no patients for me to clerk. That afternoon, Syu gave me a real slice of cake : the carrot cake. Too bad i had to cut short my time with her as i had a Dr's appointment. Hey, even the appointment was fun. Later i went to LCCT, met Sufia & Hazirah (among my favourite people on this earth)...I'm so thankful i still have them; we're all 25, and have been friends for more than 18 years. Gossips & bombshells were dropped, and we had to part ways.

I made dinner plans with MJ in Shah Alam. Saw my lovely cutie-pie cousins Irfan & Alya. As if they know it was my birthday, they were exceptionally friendly to me. And you know what, when my paksu came home, they had a surprise birthday celebration with me. Dim lights, a beautiful brownie with lit candles from the kitchen to a completely surprised & unsuspecting me. Of course the kids blew the candles with me, sang & clapped their hands along.

I am just so happy. I wish this feeling will last. I'm just gonna ride the wave till it fades.

And so... HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY, DIMA MARLINA.
Wishing you all the love and happiness this world can bring; and may you have love & success in your life ahead.

The Gameplan

We're scheduled to have our K.I.D.S meeting sometime next week. I'm raher excited. Things have been quite on-air since the the last meeting, and everyone else busy with work. I'm the only student in the management team, but hey, nothing wrong in that.

As i mentioned before, my official title is as Vice-President. But i am also the head of operations, healtchare programme coordinator and the acting nutrition programme coordinator (she is currently super-swamped with her job as an on-site geologist). Its ok, since i spend a lot of my time thinking about K.I.D.S anyway, trying to come up with ideas and looking for loose ends to tie up & patch up.

I've had a lot of headache with the healthcare programme. However, things cleared up u bit with Albi's help : she voluntarity stepped in to temporarily handle the healthcare branch. Eventually, i managed to draft up the plans & also managed to contact MEDSTAS UMS (medical students from Universiti Malaysia Sabah). The idea is so they could help organize annual health check for these kids. They seem interested, but further discussions & red-tape stuff will be needed. Aside from that, i've managed to consult my friend who works at UNHCR regarding suitable public health programs. I'm thankful she's willing to help me out as a favor....no red tape! I owe her lots.

Progress seems slow, doens't it? Not really our fault. You see, there's really not much we can do on the surface until the organization is fully, officially registered. All necessary documents were submitted to the department in question over a week ago. Unfortunately, things are taking longer than they should. What can i say, we are all humans after all.

Next, the progress on nutrition. I've split it into nutrition & sanitation, and i've drafted out the implementation strategies. It seems volunteers for the nutrition will have a lot of 'factory work' to do, as in assembling the food packages & ensuring it gets to the destination & intended recepients. We may also wanna help out with comfort items like toothbrushes, clothes and sleeping bags, but all those are secondary to the food & hygiene program.

Now as VP, i'm compiling the modules from each of our departments/bureaus for our main organization's formal proposal; a standard version to approach third parties for sponsorship & collaboration. Sounds like a lot of work, but it shouldn't be so long as everyone pulls in their weight. Judging from the level of commitment the team has had from Day 1, i forsee minimal speed bumps. Fingers crossed!

Thats all i can say for now, coz everything else is beyond my jurisdiction and i dont wanna be stepping on anyone's toes on this. Once again, this is after all my own personal blog. Till next time, toodles!

K.i.d.s

It started with an invitation to come support Mazuin during the taping of Sejuta Impian. Its a new reality show on TV3 where contestants present their idea and the judges decide whether or not to give you money to realize your dream. Here's the catch : the project has to be beneficial to the community; so nothing purely business. The show should be on air starting May 15th, every Sunday at 7.30pm.

Needless to say, Mazuin got the money she asked for.

Anyway. When i first read about Mazuin's project, i was intrigued. It was reminiscent of something i had in mind long ago, Teachers Without Borders. I asked her details about her project and if there was any way i could help. She emailed her proposal, i gave my ideas and on the day of recording i ended up becoming something like her Manager & Team Captain for her 20 or so supporters.

So when it came time to set up her organization, K.i.d.s, naturally i wanted to be a part of it. Lo and behold, she decided to name me Vice President & Chief of Operations. Yeah!

Let me tell you a bit about K.i.d.s. Its a non-profit organization set up to help the street children of Malaysia, starting in Sabah. Why sabah? Because Sabah has the largest population of street children, and majority of them are from the Bajau Laut clan in Tawau and Semporna. We aim to bring education to them via Street School for Street Children, provide basic healthcare via Clinic on Wheels and basic nutrition supply and hygiene counselling via Nutrition & Living On-the-Go. That is the plan for now. K.i.d.s is already registered, but still waiting for the final verdict from the department. For now, we only have a facebook page. Check it out at http://www.facebook.com/WeLoveK.I.D.S

That's gonna be the main site. They say they'll start a twitter account once operations have begun (hopefully in June), and there may be a blog too. I sure hope so, coz then i get to jot down my experiences in the official blog as well. For now, there's nothing much we can do until we are really, really official....let's hope sooner rather than later.

To be honest, i have a sinking feeling that my days in the organization are numbered... I still believe in the cause very strongly. I just feel i dont have much to contribute as vice-president. I'll just leave it at that. But as they say, its all part of the job.

So, that is what's currently going on with me right now. I am definitely feeling more alive since becoming a part of the project. I'll write more once I have something. So take care; till next time, Goodbye!

The Toolbox Way of Life

I mentally wrote this when I was extremely annoyed during a traffic jam. http://www.facebook.com/note.php?saved&&note_id=10150155369043075

The Toolbox Way of Life

I nailed my tests,

but screwed mu homework.

My pointless existence an eternal drill;

it makes me sick,

it drives me nuts,

I need to bolt...

Two bolts please!!!

I nailed my girl,

and screwed her boyfriend.

Gave one a jack

and the other I hammered with my finger.

No additional grease;

Just pure, unadulterated sleaze!

See me throw a ranch into the works?

Feel the loathing & see the hatred.

You want me to nail it.

and I yell SCREW IT!!!

and I don't need no Screwdriver to do it.

Frou Frou

I was in Penang for the past week & a half, working for my mom. I was helping her with her clinic. I was a mash of Personal Assistant, Clinic Nurse, Houseman, Clinical Auditor and Professional organizer and man, was I busy. I enjoyed it, mainly because i could do it and i thought it interesting. The best part of being in Penang, as my mum's daughter cum work partner was the treats : massages, a pedicure, a facial, facial products & aromatherapy essential oil. Wow. I could never afford all that by myself; especially not all in one week!

Pedicures

My first and favourite pedicure is at Sally Hansen, Gurney Plaza. With products like Sally Hansen, you can't go wrong. They are like the L'oreal of nailcare. Not to mention their prices are fair and the treatment is worth it, unlike some other places i've been. My toesies look so clean afterwards! After my first time, i actually stood there with my friend right in frony of the shop and admired our feet. Down side? they only have brances in Penang....aint that weird? I'd thought a branded label will have a HQ in KL.

Facial

It was my first facial with Dermalogica or Aster Apring (formerly known as Leonard Drake....don't know why they changed the name). The facial was fine; not that i really knew what to expect...i've has spa facials before and it feels similar. Later they promote their products and mum got me a basic set : cleanser, toner, moisturiser,mask. I admit, i was a bit skeptical. I'm the type who believes that sometimes branded things are just overpriced & 'buying the brand' when drugstore products can do the same job just fine. But since mum bought them for me anyway regardless of what i have to say, of course i had to use it...they're expensive!!!

Lo and behold, slowly i was falling in love with the smoothness & mildness of the cleanser....really living up to its name, Ultra-calming Cleanser. I'm not much a toner fan, so i'll just say it's fine....it's spray on and dries rather quick, which is a good thing. The moisturiser's pretty good, finally one i can use during the day without turning into a frying pan by midday. Havne't tried the mask, but i know i like the facial scrub they used on me during the facial...might ask mum to get it for me if there is a next time. Like i said, i can never afford all this by myself.

Aromatherapy

Yeah, you may say you can get cheap oils anywhere but there is this shop in Guyrney Plaza that seels pure essential oils, including the more exotic ones like frankinescence, juniper, geranium, saldalwood (you get the idea). Each oil has a different price. Sometimes even the same scent has different prices because of where it came from. So i believe this shop is legit. I've bought peppermint & lemongrass fron this shop, but this time i bought a pre-mixed concoction called Anxiety. Smells divine, but i havent tried it on my burner though. Shouldn't be that much of diff. The key to starting a collection of essential oils is this : get 1 that relaxes you (me=lavender or bergamot), 1 citrus smell to perk you up (i had grapefruit, but it was too mild...i think i'll go for lemon or lime), 1 fresh scent (like peppermint or tea tree) which is fantastic after you've done cleaning your room, and if u need it, get 1 for 'mood' setting, something musky like rose or sandalwood for that warm feeling. Most pre-mixed oils cater around these functions anyway, and they tend to be more expensive. Some common scents you can get the cheaper version elsewhere, so plan your spending!

Massage

massages are a guilty pleasure of mine. i prefer massages that are 'merciless' that aim to loosen tight spots but hurt like hell wheres my mum prefers the light and relaxing kind. so i may find one masseuse to be great n my mum will find her rough. but one thing we bothe agree on is that if u wanna go for a foot reflexology massage, look for a chinese shop especially the ones with workers from China. they really know their stuff. i think for massage alone i have to do a whole separate entry, when and if i'm up for it.

So that's it. My luxurious yet incredibly busy week in Penang. Looking forward for more satisfying experiences as such. Bye-bye!

Corny Poetry

Poetry is mental masturbation. An epiphany is the orgasm. Some of em's pure shit. I know nothing about poetry. I use it as an exercise for vocabulary & word play...so they tend to have more lyricism than literary value. So here's one of them. Welcome to my world of corny poetry.

Darling Broken Valentine

I had an epiphany.

One day you'd come to me-

finally undestanding,

apologizing.

I held you to my heart, where i've kept you those years apart;

where you belong.

My dear, honey once-mine,

My darling broken Valentine.

In tears and silence all was spoken.

My reservations,

melted in muted conversation.

Darling don't let me be the one-

that person you only come to when you have no one.

My dear, honey once-mine,

My darling broken Valentine.

I beg you for more than bittersweet decline,

I long our shared divine.

Seeing your hands; I've missed your palms.

You embrace me; I've missed your arms.

Years have gone; and older we've become.

Lets not run away this time.

My dear, honey once-mine, My lovely broken Valentine.

Hear my weepy song; see this life in mime

Lost in regrets , sorrow and time.

On My Own

I don't usually post up lyrics in my blog, but i guess there's a 1st for everything. For some unknown readon I've been feeling especially lonely since this afternoon and I still haven't been able to shake away the feeling. Longing, pathetic, needy, and most of all, vulnerable...a stark contrast to the person who went shopping for heavy duty wood glue & searching for a kickass red lipstick just hours earlier.
So here's the song, On My Own from the musical Les Miserables, this version sung by Lea Salonga...just so u know, i've never even seen it. I learned of the song during my musical theatre workshop a few years back.

On My Own - sung by Lea Salonga

And now I'm all alone again;

nowhere to go, noone to turn to

I did not want your money so I only did as I was told to

But now the night is near;

and I can make believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping

I think of him and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping

The city goes to bed

and I can live inside my head

On my own,

pretending he's beside me

All alone, I walk with him till morning

Without him, I feel his arms around me

and when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain

The pavement shines like silver

All the lights are misty in the river

In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

and all I see is him and me,

forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind

that I'm talking to myself and not to him

and although I know that he is blind,

Still I say there's a way for us

I love him

but when the night is over

He is gone; the river's just a river

Without him, the world around me changes

The trees are bare and everywhere the streets

are full of strangers

I love him

but everyday I'm learning

all my life...I've only been pretending

Without me, his world would go on turning

a world that's full of happiness that I have never known!

I love him,

I love him,

I love him,

but only on my own

And that is exactly how i feel tonight.

My go at MuayFit

After much pondering i realized my heart was already set on joining muay thai. So i arranged for a visit & scheduled a free trial session for a later date. By this time, i had 3 other friends pretty eager to join as well and we're hoping for a group discount or something. Here's their website http://www.muayfit.com. Thanks Jane, for helping me out.

The visit. Well the gym was empty at that time. It was clean, with mirrored walls & colourful floormats. The practise mitts were provided & they look to be in good condition, almost new. Then Jane took me upstairs to see the personal training section and oh my GOD it's beautiful. There was a boxing ring, a weights machine, about 8 punching bags (what pros call heavy packs) and several speedballs (those smaller, bouncy punching bags) with more practise mitts & bodypacks. The gym also sells equipment like gloves & hand wraps.

I decided to go for a free trial, the Muay Thai Beginner's Class on Friday 18th. Thankfully my friend Ramiza managed to join me. The other 2 were indisposed due to the short notice. I came early and saw the ongoing Intermediate class. They should rename it to Intimidating! Reminiscent of my times in Karate 10 years ago, going to the Batu Lanchang Dojo for additional practise; it reminded me of how it looked like when the brown & black belts were training, especially with that fierce Shihan Lim at the reigns. So yeah, intimidating with a tinge of aspirational envy & awe. So then I knew i was in the right place.

I had my reservations though : Karate was 10 years ago (and 10 kilos ago!). My stamina, my physique, everything is out of shape. Furthermore when i learnt Karate, all my instructors were women and all the students were girls (duh, it was SGGS). This is Muay Thai, raw & fierce. I am not beyond vulnerability & insecurity. If Mija weren't there, i'd have felt totally awkward, like I did the first few days in STARMAKER Musical Theatre Bootcamp.

Anyway...the Beginners class. The warm-up already was a shadow of what i used to do in Karate. Panting, sweating, cramping! Technique and erminology is different though. Jab, cross, hook, uppercut. Their roundhouse kick is more like the snapkick we had for Kumite. The jab they use was like the high forward punch and high reverse punch, only now done in kumite (sparring) stance. We didn't have uppercuts, but we had a similar block. So yeah, I enjoyed myself, but was a bit awkward adjusting what i had in muscle memory.

The class was only one hour though :(
But it was good thing considering how out of shape I am. I figured maybe in a few months i'd give the intermediate class a go. I'll also try out Freestyle Martial Arts & Krav Maga. At this moment I really don't regret signing up. Once the windedness and the tiredness have passed, I had a good sleep and I'm looking forward for more. But before you say 'go for it!', i gotta let my sore muscles heal first else i might seriously injure them jumping in too vigorous an activity.

So yeah, that's the beautiful highlight of my week : Muay Thai Kickboxing for Beginners.
If any of you reading this find yourselves interested to know more, call Jane at MuayFit Gym or email/text me to find out about their terms. Till next time, KOW POW!

Could This Be It?

It's no surprise that I've been doind a lot of soul searching the last couple of years, in trying to overcome my depression & all, trying to live a happier life. But so far, nothing i've tried is consistent enough to work all the time to 'pick me up'. It also doesnt help that I get easily bored with things and move on to something new; the motivation itself constantly wavering I'm searching for a formula that WORKS.

I've tried reading about whtever interests me, tried gym, tried karaoke & hanging out with friends (which is great, but its something you have to rely on people for), tried immersing myself in religion & current issues, dreaming or forecasting career prospects....so on and so forth.

Now, i've picked up the guitar. No lessons yet, just a chord book & a guide book and my 20-minute attention span. Even though i suck at it, somhow it provided a release i needed, the way piano used to do for me. I think i've said this in a previous post, about being unable to fool around with the piano made me miss it and I realized playing the piano (and now the guitar) does have a soothing effect on me. I'm contented with it regardless of how badly i play, like the guitar. One thing better with the guitar right now is that i am self-taught, so its more intimate,more organic, relying on my spark to learn & intuition rather than scheduled classes with homework. I'm not playing for anybody but me. However, for music (the guitar) to truly be a self-esteem booster, i gotta be good at it, just kick-ass enough to impress old friends at a barbeque party...something like that

Then just a few days back, by pure chance I spotted this Muay Thai Studio near my house, and i had this insatiable urge to find out more. The more i read online, the more eager I became to join & start immediately. I didn't. I didn't want it to be too impulsive and see it eventually abandoned, but until today I'm still excited about it. I actually emailed them with a few questions i had, and today I have an appointment to come look around. The price seems pretty affordable.

So I've been thinking...why am I so drawn to this, apart from its proximity to my current location? Then it hit me : it is the same as playing with music. Looking back 10 years ago, around Form 2 and Form 3, I was at my peak; I could do anything I wanted, I was at my happiest & most productive period in my life so far. I had great friends, schoolwork was in order and I had much more self-confidence. What was so different back then?

Back then i also had sporting activities. I was very active in my school Karate club; I was only a purple-belt when i had to stop and leave for MRSM. I also played tennis, but that was kinda forced on me like piano. Since MRSM i literally stopped all sporting activities. Maybe there was the occasional run, or tennis, and stints at the gym. I even took a personal trainer last year. I enjoyed myself in the gym, but something didn't quite click. I wasn't eager or excited to go back even though I did enjoy the workout. From time to time i'd find myself wondering if I could go back and finish what i'd started in karate....looking for a place that specifically trains in the Goshin-Ryu style to no avail. I can't possibly go back and join the training in SGGS or the Dojo in Batu Lanchang....it's been 10 years : I'm out of shape, out of touch, and had forgotted my of the syllabus that got me my purple belt. So could this particular juncture with Muay Thai Kickboxing be it : the sporting activity that can give me the release that Karate did years ago.

Perhaps it was wise to analyse my life at my peak...considering that i've been felling like i've passed my expiry date 3 years ago. No wonder I'm depressed. School wasn't going well, good friends are scattered, new ones are few & far between, unable to immerse myself in my love of performing arts and martial arts. Nothing to live for. That was my life. I felt empty, never felt whole and yet I knew the cause isn't my inherent asbece of a love life. That, has been constant even since my 'glory days', and for the most part I really don't mind. It's a completely different subject matter.

So could this be it? Is joining the kickboxing gym be the right thing to do? Will it finally provide me with another piece of the puzzle that'll make me whole? I don't know.
What do you think?

Just Books

Books I'm Currently Reading :

1. Serial Killer Timelines : Illustrated Accounts of the World's Most Gruesome Murders (Dr. Chris McNab)
I'm not exactly sure how my fascination with serial killers sterted.....or more specifically, my fascination with sexual sadism, sex crimes and psychotic killers. I was probably around 14 years old, watching a show on Discovery channel called Medical Detectives, and sometimes New Dedtectives. This was before the massive explosion of CSI into Astro & mainstream television. It was basically how they solved a string of murders; from the discovery of victime, to police work, forensics, arrest & trial. The i started watching more crime shows like CSI and Law & Order, but my real favourite nowadays is Criminal MInds.

2. Play Guitar in 10 Easy Lessons (Jon Buck)
Many years I go, i had piano lessons. I never did complete it, and neither was I too fond of it. It was just something I couldn't relate to, but after being at it for so long I did learn to enjoy playing music. I didn't quite realize how much until i went to MRSM and my piano lessons stopped for good. One day, a friend and I discovered the piano in the school hall was unlocked and we started playing...and that was when I realize that playing a piano did provide me with some form of release. I had to learn that lesson once again a few weeks ago. As a teen I did fantasize about becoming a drummer or a rock guitarist but this time, I decided to give guitar a go. I needed an artful outlet...and music is more practical than theatre/drama; and the guitar is more portable than the piano or drums. Not to mentioned that i discovered this really cool Grammer guitar in the closet back when I moved into my grandma's house.

3. The Secret (Rhonda Byrne)
I got curious! Plus i think the cover looks really nice. I thought it was rather expensive, until I found a copu in a book sale. I've really just cracked the foreword; now let's just hope I finish it.


Books I Want To Get :

1. The 48 Laws of Power (Robers Greene, Joost Elffers)
Just reading the title itself sounds so powerful. I might just get the concise version thought, I really don't like thick books...which is the ONLY reason why I didnt read Harry Potter books 5-8 and the Twilight series.

2. Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs (Zahi Hawass)
I think i've already mentioned about my fascination with ancient Egypt and a bit on Dr. Zahi Hawass in a previous post about travelling. When i saw this book, i didn't have much cash on me and was amazed at how affordable it wass : again, I found it in a discount book store. This book is also the official National Geographic guide to the exhibits of the Cairo museum...so i guess I doubt there is another book out there more fitting than this to satisfy my academic curiosity as well as prepare me for my eventual tour of Egypt.

3. How to be a Domestic Goddess (Nigella Lawson)
Actually, I'm drawn to a lot of her books but I think this one will be a good start. I just like her style whenever I manage to catch her show on tv. It looks simple & manageable enough, with modifications of course...She was the reason I became less anxious/afraid of the kitchen & learning to cook.

4. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
Just because....my dad read it, reccommended it. He recommended the Da Vinci Code to me and I enjoyed it. This book is real famous, I'm not surprised if it turns out to be a classic in future... Numerous awards, stuff like that. I don't read much to know about authors and must-reads.

5. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Stephen R. Covey)
Never to late to improve yourself....especially when you spend most of the time dreading your day, procrastinating your tasks and living in dreams of a different life. I have to wonder what I am doing wrong, and how to make the best out of it. Before starting Form 3, i did read a motivational book about PMR and i think it did help me at the time...and in that sense, I am long overdue for a motivation seminar of sorts. Let's hope this works!



Books I Have and Should Read/Finish First :

1. Online Killers : Portraits of Murderers, Cannibals and Sex Predators Who Stalked The Web for Thier Victims (Christopher Berry-Dee, Steven Morris)
2. The Last Lecture (Randy Pausch)
3. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
4. Tafsir Al-Quran
5. The Other Malaysia (Dr. Farish Noor)


Things I Wish I Could Read Up on :

1. Spa & Massage
2. World History
3. Psychology
4. Beauty
5. Religion & Religious History
6. Cooking & World Cuisine
7. Crime & Punishment
8. Rock & Roll
9. Geology & Gemstones
10. Self-help & Motivation

Random Musings...

• Why oh Why did DBKL forcefully relocate my favourite spot in KL : the row of Middle-Eastern restaurants & shisha/hookah joints in Jalan Damai?
• Sometimes I wish I was a Dato' or Tan Sti something-or-other, just so i can cut through the red tape & settle this bullshit administrative crap. Don't get me wrong, i don't mind taking a number and waiting in line, I just hate the whole "fill this form" then "consult that department" and "send an application & we'll call you in a few days" and they never do.
• I've never finished anything I started : piano, karate, tennis, Mandarin class, weight loss, religion, novels....I wonder if it's going to be the same with the guitar?
• With all the trouble I have to go though to enable me to sit for my exams in March, maybe it's a sign for me to sit for it in 6 months time...
• The medication i'm currently on is really working for me. I haven't felt this able in years!
• Should i really get a smartphone, HTC, iphone, some android-y thingy?
• My loneliness is the thing i find hardest to admit or do anything about, main reason being I don't believe i'll have any success at it; and multiple failures is a real self-esteem killer...so better not open that haunted closet...there, i've said it
• As much as i truly do like helping people, they can't help but take advantage. No such thing as a 'once in a while' occurence. Apparently, i can't seem to say no! If i do, i have to deal with the guilt.
• Even though I do like to write, I can't do it to a schedule AND i'm not good enough to make a living out of it
• Sometimes I wish i had all the time in the world to read all the books I wanna read...or maybe i should pick-up speedreading.....anyone know how?
• Whenever i daydream, I am 5 foot 6, slim, with thicker hair
• I think currently my vice is Coke, coffee & choc chip cookies

If I could Travel...

Watching Asian Food Channel or TLC or Discovery Travel makes me wonder about the world...Me being somewhat trapped in my dwellings & the mind-numbing routine and suffocating expectations of 'becoming somebody'....I cant help but think about what i'm missing out there. Thanks to the wonders of television, i'm trying to narrow the list of places that one day i may visit. If i ever have the time & money to travel, i wanna go to :

1. Egypt
Well, unfortunately that'll have to wait with all the riots & protests and all... Egypt is a country i've been wanting to go for a long time, but somehow i've never felt ready for it. I've had a long time fascination with ancient egypt from watching excavations & stories from the Discovery channel or NatGeo...at one time i wanted to be able to read hieroglyphics. I wanted my tour of Egypt (Cairo, Giza, Alexandria) to be an educational trip; I hoped i'd be able to meet Dr. Zahi Hawass so i could ask questions and hear his stories first-hand. After all he is the go-to guy for all things ancient Egypt. He discovered the mummy of Hatchepsut, looking for the high priest Imhotep, & he is also the curator of the Cairo Museum.

2. Syria
This is thanks to a show i watched with Bobby Chin in it. He went to Aleppo, the food capital of Syria. It being a Muslim country, i reckon halal food would be everywhere and it would be great to have a culinary adventure. And besides, i love lamb and have never quite tried middle eastern food before. In Syria, they usle a lot of pommegranate in their food. Doesnt that just sound exquisite? Then there is this world-famous traditional ice-cream shop that is a must-go destination...i ain't saying no! Then there is the ancient city of Damascus, or better known as Damsyik in my old Pendidikan Islam textbooks. This is the soul of ancient Syria, and i'd love to just be able to stand in the courtyard of one of the old mud-brick buildings, surrounded by the desert landscape and just take it all in. Definitely a change of scene.

3. Morocco
Before i 'discovered' Syria, i wanted to go to Morocco, coz it's the crossing between middle-eastern and african culture/civilization. I wanted to experience it for similar reasons as Syria, but also for Marrakesh, a huge open-air bazaar that looks absolutely amazing. Food, fresh spices, decor, trinkets...i kinda imagined that i'd have an area in my house decorated Morrocan-style, with a harem feeling to it...you know, large cushions, a hookah pipe, lanterns, strings of beads & drapes, inscence....but i'd have to go to Morocco to get stuff so it'll be more authentic.

5. South Africa
This is a no brainer : Safari. I like animals, but not so much to say i'm passionate. If i'm lucky, i wanna go see penguins & whales. When i was a kid my dad went to South Africa for business and bought my sis & i this small carpet that we can colour using magic marker. Mine was the picture of a bird that looked like a hornbill. I had so much fun doing it, and because i've never had anything like that before, I became fascinated with South Africa. Also it's to avoid cliche' : many people say they wanna travel the world but most only talk about going across Europe. I wanna spread out a bit, and if you'll see later, that's why I don't have that many Asian destinations....I want a different culture/experience entirely.

6.Italy
Although i like the sort of Italian food i get in Malaysia, i doubt i'd be able to eat my way through Italy because of the scarcity of halal meat & the abundance of wine in their food. I can't say for sure, but who knows if one day i'll break down that barrier just to savour the cultural experience....only for food though! In Italy, of course i'd have to see Rome and all the famous landmarks like the colosseum, and the Leaning Tower of Pisa. But what i really want to do in Italy is spend my time in Venice...oooohhh... People say Paris is the most romantic place in the world, but for me, its Venice. You see, i like water. It's cleansing, relaxing. Nothing can beat a slow sunset spent cuddling in s gondola, gliding below the bridges & passing by beautiful buildings through the city's elaborate waterways. Of course, to dine by the sea would be luxurious.

7. Australia
Yet another destination i don't feel ready to go to yet. 3 words : Great Barrier Reef. I'll need my scuba licence for that and i don't have one! Snorkelling just don't cut it in a place like that. My mum promised me my scuba licensce if i pass my MBBS. I can't afford it myself. Maybe later in life i'll upgrade my depth, but for now, i need the basic stuff. Also in Aussie, it's the wildlife that attracts me. Sharks & marsupials...if i'm not mistaken, marsupials are indigenous and almost exclusively found in Aussie. I also wanna see a kiwi bird!! The outback? Maybe. I hear there is a restaurant that serves all kinds of wild meat..again comes the issue of halal-ness.

8. New Zealand
Again a story from my childhood. I remember going through my grandma's drawers in PJ and i found this bar of soap that says Rotorua. It was so pretty & colourful, and she told me it was made from volcanic mud and it was the different minerals in the mud that gives it the different colours. So i wanted to see it someday. I heard of Rotorua again in Form 3 Geography, and the mention of fiords/fjords that make for wonderful views. And who can forget the beautiful locations from Lord of The Rings?

9. USA
Everywhere! New York, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Florida, Disneyland, Yosemite, Washington, Arizona, San Francisco...maybe literally just to drive through the States. This is perhaps the most obvious influence of TV but who cares. I wanna go to the museums : the Smithsonian, the museum of natural history, the museum of crime & punishment...damn, why can't i remember my other destinations? NASA, hell maybe even the CDC in Atlanta, and the FBI headquarters, just to see the real thing instead of just those on tv....maybe even a ski resort. Somehow the possible destinations are endless. Hopefully if my aunt is still living there i can bunk in & save on accommodation a few days...i think she's in San Diego, i'm not sure...I have another aunt somewhere, maybe i'll go find out.

10. Amsterdam
This is obvious : i wanna wake up on the street one morning with a stripper & next to someone else's vomit. Haha! It's no secret that i wanna smoke weed. Over here, its illegal...but not in Amsterdam. The misconception about weed is that it is addictive like heroin...it's not. Cigarettes are more addictive and more dangerous to health. If one get's hooked to weed, its more a psychological need than physical dependence (which commonly happens with heroin). And so far there is no 'marijuana overdose'. So yeah, its an educated decision. Of course there are other things to Holland/Amsterdam/Netherlands, like tulip plantations, windmills, wooden shoes and the dykes...you know the story, about the boy who stuck his finger in the hole of the dyke, saving the city from inevitable flooding...overnight, his finger froze...i don't know what happened after that

Wow...10, and i'm not even done! I barely cracked Europe and haven't even touched Asia & South America....Oh well, i guess i'll save it for next time. In the mean time, i'll keep on dreaming. Toodles!