Do I Forgive You?

Everyone screws up. That's life they say. It's about how you get out of that mess, overcome that obstacle that makes you a better person.

I skip classes. A LOT. Its my biggest practical non-personal/emotional problem these recent years. After all it did cost me a year of medical school.

There are many reasons behind them. Sometimes its my depression : i just cant get our of bed, probably haven't eaten anything substantial in days yet i'd rather be alone in my room than risk seeing another human being. not attending class is both cause & effect of my milder episodes of low mood. Its a vicious cycle i am trying so very hard to break.

The way I see it there are three ways i destroy myself when it comes to my school.

1)deliberately missing class i.e. premeditatedly choosing not to go

2)accidentally missing class i.e. those days i completely get schedules mixed up or murder the alarm clock

3)the self sabotage i.e i have no idea why i missed that class despite being capable & wanting to attend

Scenario 3 is most common. I have no idea why. Sometimes i am already academically and/or physically prepared to go, but just didnt take the first step out of my door. Sometimes i am completely unprepared despite knowing it is my turn to present or to shine and just skip the class. Or i go and then feel horrible and project a negative outlook on the rest of the days. Sometimes i have all the time & interest in the world but something holds me back and i procrastinate until it is impossible to do a decent assignment.

Do you see the pattern of self-sabotage? I am setting myself up for failure and I dont know why!!! This train is on autopilot and i've almost exhausted my faculties trying to change it.

I have no idea the reasons behind my hesitations and reservations. I can only do guesswork and take in outsider input. They slap the label LAZY, some will suggest an underlying fear, some say i'm in the wrong field which is why it seems so difficult to do the simplest things like get-up-and-go in the mornings. Me? i think its the prediction i made many years ago when applying into medical school : i said to my father; i'm not worried about the academics, it is the practical side i'm scared of coz i'm never been good with practical stuff.

so you see...now being in clinical years, the final years...it is all about proving yourself in the shoes of the doctor and it terrifies me. No matter how many classmates & friends reassure me that i am doing well and that i have great confidence, I just cant shake it. I am paralysed at the mere thought of potentially doing something wrong and embarassing myself. Yet i know i have to get over this....else i'd never move on.

See how i dissect myself? No wonder I barely have energy for anything else. But if I dont scrutinize myself noone will help me find my answers. Who gives a fuck if outsiders like a certain awang doesnt understand.

So. can i forgive myself for missing classes?