Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Anger Management

I hate being angry.
It is really an unpleasant feeling.
Thankfully, i dont get angry very often...somehow over the years my knee-jerk angry spews have disappeared. Ask the friends that know me from way back in primary & secondary school and they'll tell you i'm known for my sharp tongue, impatience and temper (that's the bad stuff...). I guess we all grow up, learn a bit of tolerance, about giving in, and to not sweat the small stuff.

But still, shit happens.

Nowdays my anger is akin to a thunderclap : sudden, explosive, and scary (to me!)
The reason i dont like being angry is because of the thoughts that flood my mind following the offending situation/person. Its horrible. Things like wanting to push an old lady down a flight of stairs, or to slit someone's throat when they fall asleep, or wishing they fail exams, or wanting them to die alone & in disgrace. I cant believe such thoughts are actually coming from me. If anything, i am thankful i'm not one of the X-men or Heroes or own that book from Death Note. Otherwise in that impulsive fury someone will be hurt. Also, within the thunderclap, i can keep my mouth shut....which is probably a good thing, for that moment.

My reactions have evolved from 'confrontational' to become 'avoidant' and then passive-aggressive...which is NOT good. I fear becoming a ticking time-bomb. Of course i try to resolve the issue, after giving myself a few days to bring the temper down a notch and collect my thoughts. Alas, what am i to do if the other party refuses to respond or acknowledge? Surely that cant be a bad reflection on me, afterall it takes 2 to tango.

I guess it goes without saying that i'm having an unresolved conflict of sorts. Its draining. Nobody likes under-handed tactics & false accusations no matter what your age. Too bad for me needing a clear conscience. Its draining on me because i hate to leave things hanging, and i'm not one who can brush things off and say 'whatever'. Guilt? Only because u r my 'superior'. i didnt wrong you; instead you chose to make my pitfalls your problem.

The thunderclap is gone but the skies are still dark, waiting for a ray of sunshine.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Desperate Houswife?

If i find something i like doing, its just really really hard to go back or do something else.
I've had lots of fun doing O&G, and being in the A&E and clinics while i was in Banting. Now, i can't even make myself look at my campus, my dear PPUM, espiecially in the name of PAEDIATRICS. Urgh. I hate it.

Not surprisingly, my attention is diverted to other aspects of my life : friends, family, as well as my neglected bunny & daunting housework. I'm at present hopelessly disorganized; with >3 batches of laundry that needs to be done, bed linens in need of changing, floors & carpets begging to be cleaned & vacuumed...and THAT's just my room in grandma's house. In my hostel, i've got bags to unpack since moving out from Banting...the room, a months worth of collected dust...books & papers everywhere. Groceries? Zilch. I can't even concentrate long enough to decide where to begin.

Last weekend was my friend oNe's engagement. I got to her house just in time, despite her giving me wrong directions and making me do a 40km U-turn all the wal in Kuala Kangsar. I'dve killed her if it wasn't her engagement. Anyway the ceremony was cozy, the food was really good (really...really...good) and she looked like a princess, a blushing bride-to-be. I didn't really have a role, other than moral support & additional photographs. It really sucks that i wont be able to make it to her wedding...all in the name of Final MBBS.

Of course, upon my return to PJ my room was in shambles...part due to my piles of laundry, part due to the fact mum & sis stayed there for the weekend...you know how it is. So i've been staying home since then, my mind a blur, slowly cleaning up. At night, i watch tv with my grandma, and that's where the fun begins.

You see, i've been wanting to experiment in the kitchen for a long time. My culinary skills are very limited (NOT non-existent). Baking & desserts are easy, that's why i don't give myself the credit. You know what they say about cooking : learn to cook what you like to eat. When i ask for a recipe from MJ or my stepmum, they snicker as if saying "seriously, u wanna attempt that? its complicated". Fine, whatever. I'll get it from friends, or the internet.

Frankly, i think evryday dishes are difficult, main reason being i just buy them & didnt bother much in the kitchen before boarding school. The thing with Malay cooking, instructions are very vague with descriptions like 'secukup rasa' and 'naik bau' and 'pecah minyak'. They dont say 200g of this + 50ml of that & bake 40mins at 180. Its all 'secubit' and 'ukur dengan jari'.

So i try is the next best thing : anything i see on TV. Heck i've managed a pavlova & breakfast parfait from watching tv. From watching enough tv and eating enough food, i've concocted 2 recipes that i've yet to try:

1) Beef Stew : chunks of beef in a pot of water...a bit of salt...a sprig of rosemary...a few cloves, star anise & cinnamon...black peppercorns... lots of potato chunks to help reduce & thicken the broth. Boil & simmer a few hours...some tomatoes... i think that should do it. eat with bread...yumyum

2) Lamb Kebab in Pita : minced lamb...add 1 Tbs cili boh...some McCormick Allspice...some salt and olive oil... make into ball/sausage shape, skewer & grill. Then diced tomatoes, shredded lettuce, handful of pomegranate seeds & lemon juice... Next avocadoes, lime, cream, green capsicum & lime.. Toast pita... voila!

I actually enjoy all this housework, if i don't have anything else to do...which freaks me out, coz all my life growing up i saw myself 100% career woman, and now for some reason my contentment comes from being able to do my own housework.

Desperate Housewife? or Angelina Jolie?