Random Musings...

• Why oh Why did DBKL forcefully relocate my favourite spot in KL : the row of Middle-Eastern restaurants & shisha/hookah joints in Jalan Damai?
• Sometimes I wish I was a Dato' or Tan Sti something-or-other, just so i can cut through the red tape & settle this bullshit administrative crap. Don't get me wrong, i don't mind taking a number and waiting in line, I just hate the whole "fill this form" then "consult that department" and "send an application & we'll call you in a few days" and they never do.
• I've never finished anything I started : piano, karate, tennis, Mandarin class, weight loss, religion, novels....I wonder if it's going to be the same with the guitar?
• With all the trouble I have to go though to enable me to sit for my exams in March, maybe it's a sign for me to sit for it in 6 months time...
• The medication i'm currently on is really working for me. I haven't felt this able in years!
• Should i really get a smartphone, HTC, iphone, some android-y thingy?
• My loneliness is the thing i find hardest to admit or do anything about, main reason being I don't believe i'll have any success at it; and multiple failures is a real self-esteem killer...so better not open that haunted closet...there, i've said it
• As much as i truly do like helping people, they can't help but take advantage. No such thing as a 'once in a while' occurence. Apparently, i can't seem to say no! If i do, i have to deal with the guilt.
• Even though I do like to write, I can't do it to a schedule AND i'm not good enough to make a living out of it
• Sometimes I wish i had all the time in the world to read all the books I wanna read...or maybe i should pick-up speedreading.....anyone know how?
• Whenever i daydream, I am 5 foot 6, slim, with thicker hair
• I think currently my vice is Coke, coffee & choc chip cookies

If I could Travel...

Watching Asian Food Channel or TLC or Discovery Travel makes me wonder about the world...Me being somewhat trapped in my dwellings & the mind-numbing routine and suffocating expectations of 'becoming somebody'....I cant help but think about what i'm missing out there. Thanks to the wonders of television, i'm trying to narrow the list of places that one day i may visit. If i ever have the time & money to travel, i wanna go to :

1. Egypt
Well, unfortunately that'll have to wait with all the riots & protests and all... Egypt is a country i've been wanting to go for a long time, but somehow i've never felt ready for it. I've had a long time fascination with ancient egypt from watching excavations & stories from the Discovery channel or NatGeo...at one time i wanted to be able to read hieroglyphics. I wanted my tour of Egypt (Cairo, Giza, Alexandria) to be an educational trip; I hoped i'd be able to meet Dr. Zahi Hawass so i could ask questions and hear his stories first-hand. After all he is the go-to guy for all things ancient Egypt. He discovered the mummy of Hatchepsut, looking for the high priest Imhotep, & he is also the curator of the Cairo Museum.

2. Syria
This is thanks to a show i watched with Bobby Chin in it. He went to Aleppo, the food capital of Syria. It being a Muslim country, i reckon halal food would be everywhere and it would be great to have a culinary adventure. And besides, i love lamb and have never quite tried middle eastern food before. In Syria, they usle a lot of pommegranate in their food. Doesnt that just sound exquisite? Then there is this world-famous traditional ice-cream shop that is a must-go destination...i ain't saying no! Then there is the ancient city of Damascus, or better known as Damsyik in my old Pendidikan Islam textbooks. This is the soul of ancient Syria, and i'd love to just be able to stand in the courtyard of one of the old mud-brick buildings, surrounded by the desert landscape and just take it all in. Definitely a change of scene.

3. Morocco
Before i 'discovered' Syria, i wanted to go to Morocco, coz it's the crossing between middle-eastern and african culture/civilization. I wanted to experience it for similar reasons as Syria, but also for Marrakesh, a huge open-air bazaar that looks absolutely amazing. Food, fresh spices, decor, trinkets...i kinda imagined that i'd have an area in my house decorated Morrocan-style, with a harem feeling to it...you know, large cushions, a hookah pipe, lanterns, strings of beads & drapes, inscence....but i'd have to go to Morocco to get stuff so it'll be more authentic.

5. South Africa
This is a no brainer : Safari. I like animals, but not so much to say i'm passionate. If i'm lucky, i wanna go see penguins & whales. When i was a kid my dad went to South Africa for business and bought my sis & i this small carpet that we can colour using magic marker. Mine was the picture of a bird that looked like a hornbill. I had so much fun doing it, and because i've never had anything like that before, I became fascinated with South Africa. Also it's to avoid cliche' : many people say they wanna travel the world but most only talk about going across Europe. I wanna spread out a bit, and if you'll see later, that's why I don't have that many Asian destinations....I want a different culture/experience entirely.

6.Italy
Although i like the sort of Italian food i get in Malaysia, i doubt i'd be able to eat my way through Italy because of the scarcity of halal meat & the abundance of wine in their food. I can't say for sure, but who knows if one day i'll break down that barrier just to savour the cultural experience....only for food though! In Italy, of course i'd have to see Rome and all the famous landmarks like the colosseum, and the Leaning Tower of Pisa. But what i really want to do in Italy is spend my time in Venice...oooohhh... People say Paris is the most romantic place in the world, but for me, its Venice. You see, i like water. It's cleansing, relaxing. Nothing can beat a slow sunset spent cuddling in s gondola, gliding below the bridges & passing by beautiful buildings through the city's elaborate waterways. Of course, to dine by the sea would be luxurious.

7. Australia
Yet another destination i don't feel ready to go to yet. 3 words : Great Barrier Reef. I'll need my scuba licence for that and i don't have one! Snorkelling just don't cut it in a place like that. My mum promised me my scuba licensce if i pass my MBBS. I can't afford it myself. Maybe later in life i'll upgrade my depth, but for now, i need the basic stuff. Also in Aussie, it's the wildlife that attracts me. Sharks & marsupials...if i'm not mistaken, marsupials are indigenous and almost exclusively found in Aussie. I also wanna see a kiwi bird!! The outback? Maybe. I hear there is a restaurant that serves all kinds of wild meat..again comes the issue of halal-ness.

8. New Zealand
Again a story from my childhood. I remember going through my grandma's drawers in PJ and i found this bar of soap that says Rotorua. It was so pretty & colourful, and she told me it was made from volcanic mud and it was the different minerals in the mud that gives it the different colours. So i wanted to see it someday. I heard of Rotorua again in Form 3 Geography, and the mention of fiords/fjords that make for wonderful views. And who can forget the beautiful locations from Lord of The Rings?

9. USA
Everywhere! New York, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Florida, Disneyland, Yosemite, Washington, Arizona, San Francisco...maybe literally just to drive through the States. This is perhaps the most obvious influence of TV but who cares. I wanna go to the museums : the Smithsonian, the museum of natural history, the museum of crime & punishment...damn, why can't i remember my other destinations? NASA, hell maybe even the CDC in Atlanta, and the FBI headquarters, just to see the real thing instead of just those on tv....maybe even a ski resort. Somehow the possible destinations are endless. Hopefully if my aunt is still living there i can bunk in & save on accommodation a few days...i think she's in San Diego, i'm not sure...I have another aunt somewhere, maybe i'll go find out.

10. Amsterdam
This is obvious : i wanna wake up on the street one morning with a stripper & next to someone else's vomit. Haha! It's no secret that i wanna smoke weed. Over here, its illegal...but not in Amsterdam. The misconception about weed is that it is addictive like heroin...it's not. Cigarettes are more addictive and more dangerous to health. If one get's hooked to weed, its more a psychological need than physical dependence (which commonly happens with heroin). And so far there is no 'marijuana overdose'. So yeah, its an educated decision. Of course there are other things to Holland/Amsterdam/Netherlands, like tulip plantations, windmills, wooden shoes and the dykes...you know the story, about the boy who stuck his finger in the hole of the dyke, saving the city from inevitable flooding...overnight, his finger froze...i don't know what happened after that

Wow...10, and i'm not even done! I barely cracked Europe and haven't even touched Asia & South America....Oh well, i guess i'll save it for next time. In the mean time, i'll keep on dreaming. Toodles!

Anger Management

I hate being angry.
It is really an unpleasant feeling.
Thankfully, i dont get angry very often...somehow over the years my knee-jerk angry spews have disappeared. Ask the friends that know me from way back in primary & secondary school and they'll tell you i'm known for my sharp tongue, impatience and temper (that's the bad stuff...). I guess we all grow up, learn a bit of tolerance, about giving in, and to not sweat the small stuff.

But still, shit happens.

Nowdays my anger is akin to a thunderclap : sudden, explosive, and scary (to me!)
The reason i dont like being angry is because of the thoughts that flood my mind following the offending situation/person. Its horrible. Things like wanting to push an old lady down a flight of stairs, or to slit someone's throat when they fall asleep, or wishing they fail exams, or wanting them to die alone & in disgrace. I cant believe such thoughts are actually coming from me. If anything, i am thankful i'm not one of the X-men or Heroes or own that book from Death Note. Otherwise in that impulsive fury someone will be hurt. Also, within the thunderclap, i can keep my mouth shut....which is probably a good thing, for that moment.

My reactions have evolved from 'confrontational' to become 'avoidant' and then passive-aggressive...which is NOT good. I fear becoming a ticking time-bomb. Of course i try to resolve the issue, after giving myself a few days to bring the temper down a notch and collect my thoughts. Alas, what am i to do if the other party refuses to respond or acknowledge? Surely that cant be a bad reflection on me, afterall it takes 2 to tango.

I guess it goes without saying that i'm having an unresolved conflict of sorts. Its draining. Nobody likes under-handed tactics & false accusations no matter what your age. Too bad for me needing a clear conscience. Its draining on me because i hate to leave things hanging, and i'm not one who can brush things off and say 'whatever'. Guilt? Only because u r my 'superior'. i didnt wrong you; instead you chose to make my pitfalls your problem.

The thunderclap is gone but the skies are still dark, waiting for a ray of sunshine.

Desperate Houswife?

If i find something i like doing, its just really really hard to go back or do something else.
I've had lots of fun doing O&G, and being in the A&E and clinics while i was in Banting. Now, i can't even make myself look at my campus, my dear PPUM, espiecially in the name of PAEDIATRICS. Urgh. I hate it.

Not surprisingly, my attention is diverted to other aspects of my life : friends, family, as well as my neglected bunny & daunting housework. I'm at present hopelessly disorganized; with >3 batches of laundry that needs to be done, bed linens in need of changing, floors & carpets begging to be cleaned & vacuumed...and THAT's just my room in grandma's house. In my hostel, i've got bags to unpack since moving out from Banting...the room, a months worth of collected dust...books & papers everywhere. Groceries? Zilch. I can't even concentrate long enough to decide where to begin.

Last weekend was my friend oNe's engagement. I got to her house just in time, despite her giving me wrong directions and making me do a 40km U-turn all the wal in Kuala Kangsar. I'dve killed her if it wasn't her engagement. Anyway the ceremony was cozy, the food was really good (really...really...good) and she looked like a princess, a blushing bride-to-be. I didn't really have a role, other than moral support & additional photographs. It really sucks that i wont be able to make it to her wedding...all in the name of Final MBBS.

Of course, upon my return to PJ my room was in shambles...part due to my piles of laundry, part due to the fact mum & sis stayed there for the weekend...you know how it is. So i've been staying home since then, my mind a blur, slowly cleaning up. At night, i watch tv with my grandma, and that's where the fun begins.

You see, i've been wanting to experiment in the kitchen for a long time. My culinary skills are very limited (NOT non-existent). Baking & desserts are easy, that's why i don't give myself the credit. You know what they say about cooking : learn to cook what you like to eat. When i ask for a recipe from MJ or my stepmum, they snicker as if saying "seriously, u wanna attempt that? its complicated". Fine, whatever. I'll get it from friends, or the internet.

Frankly, i think evryday dishes are difficult, main reason being i just buy them & didnt bother much in the kitchen before boarding school. The thing with Malay cooking, instructions are very vague with descriptions like 'secukup rasa' and 'naik bau' and 'pecah minyak'. They dont say 200g of this + 50ml of that & bake 40mins at 180. Its all 'secubit' and 'ukur dengan jari'.

So i try is the next best thing : anything i see on TV. Heck i've managed a pavlova & breakfast parfait from watching tv. From watching enough tv and eating enough food, i've concocted 2 recipes that i've yet to try:

1) Beef Stew : chunks of beef in a pot of water...a bit of salt...a sprig of rosemary...a few cloves, star anise & cinnamon...black peppercorns... lots of potato chunks to help reduce & thicken the broth. Boil & simmer a few hours...some tomatoes... i think that should do it. eat with bread...yumyum

2) Lamb Kebab in Pita : minced lamb...add 1 Tbs cili boh...some McCormick Allspice...some salt and olive oil... make into ball/sausage shape, skewer & grill. Then diced tomatoes, shredded lettuce, handful of pomegranate seeds & lemon juice... Next avocadoes, lime, cream, green capsicum & lime.. Toast pita... voila!

I actually enjoy all this housework, if i don't have anything else to do...which freaks me out, coz all my life growing up i saw myself 100% career woman, and now for some reason my contentment comes from being able to do my own housework.

Desperate Housewife? or Angelina Jolie?

Medical Mismanagement or Hopeless Communication?

Here's the original article on Malaysiakini, about a Dr whose father recently passed away in Hospital Taiping http://www.malaysiakini.com/letters/141502 .

In short he is saying there was mismanagement, poor conduct by the hospital staff & the doctors involved.

A 94-year-old Indian male with Acute Coronary Syndrome (ACS,minor heart attack) and possible chest (lung) infection who was progressively deteriorating in the ward, developed respiratory distress & hypotension (low BP). His son a Dr, believes he should've been in ICU/CCU, and that he should've been intubated and actively resuscitated whe he started to deteriorate. In fact, he (the son) started to do CPR and asked if he could intubate his father. The following day, the doctors asked if they could perform an autopsy to determine the cause of death.
It was a painful article to read, because it captured the father's final moments very vividly.

Responses to the article commented (more like complained) on everything : going to a Govt. hospital is a death sentence, Malaysian doctors & healthcare system is hopeless, too many medical schools resulting in mediocre doctors, the need for meritocracy in deucation, the country is going to the dogs...etc.

Let me be frank about something : the hospital & healthcare system is not a 5-star hotel with a menu where you choose the ward you should be in, or which specialist from what field should be treating you. This is not my response to the article per se, rather my feeling toward the more educated patinets out there, especially those who can afford the $$$$. Just because you have a chest pain does not mean you need a cardiologist. You may think your funny looking nails are due for a manicure, but don't be surprised if your GP sends you to a hematologist, a cardiologist or a hepatologist. Yes, a patient has a right to his choice of treatment, but treatment as counselled or recommended by doctors...not wikipedia

Sorry for the tangent. Here's an objective response to the article, by an Ida Bakar :
"I am writing in the hope to lessen your pain at the loss of your father. If your father had been admitted to a hospital in the UK, I doubt the outcome would be different.
1) it is highly unlikely that a 94-y.o. would be admitted to ICU
2)the diagnosis of ACS alone does warrant admission to CCU
3)presence of dentures can ensure the upper airway remains patent, detures are remained in situ during bag-mask resus
4)intubating your father will only prolong his agony; his heart and lungs have failed and his body was shutting down
5)the request for a post-mortem is not unsusual in a hospital death
It does appear here that the problem was one of communication. A Do-Not-Resuscitate decision was made. Perhaps a decision to keep him comfortable in the last hours of his life was made also. You mentioned the lack of monitors and drips, but the presence of a cannula may indicate that appropriate drugs were given"

Here's a snip of another comment, by a Tyrone, a doc with ICU experiencr :
"You father should have been given an opportunity to pass away with dignity and without suffering, hence no active resuscitation. A morphine infusion should have been started to alleviate any pain or discomfort; this is where the hospital staff should have acted promptly. You shouldn't have taken an active role in treatment because emotions would have clouded your medical judgement. Nonetheless, staff should have sttended to your concerns or explained to you why they did what they did".

OK. I'll be the first to say that in Govt hospitals, communication with patients leaves a lot to be desired. This is where we differ from UK, where patient counselling cn take up to an hour...if that were to happen here, we'll get a new letter in the newspapers saying that the waiting time in hospitals is too long. So patient education takes a back seat and usually delegated to nurses, monthly talks/briefings and to junior doctors. And in most instances, only the basic info of the disease, prescribed treatment is given...not much attention is given to alleviate concerns n giving patients peace of mind...

keyword here is PATIENTS....not relatives or mother-in-laws. And so far, for me as a student, this is where i come in : the bridge between the hard-core clinical stuff and the layman's perspective. Also, this is where private hospitals & clinics have the upper hand...there are no 'junior doctors' or specialized nurses, so the task of addressing the concerns falls solely on the consultant....which is also why some private docs give out their personal handphone number. This is actually why the general perception of 'doctors in private hospitals are better'. In terms of medical care, any Govt hospital wins hands-down. NEWSFLASH : if anything goes wrong in a private hosp, or a case seems complicated, they WILL refer to a Govt Hosp, any Hospital Besar. You will never see a govt. hosp, no matter how small, refer a case to a private hosp....unless it is because of a patient's request.

I guess another point to learn from the story is, never underestimate the role of emotions, and how grief (or worse, impending bereavement) can affect somebody. Everyone has a hard time when witnessing death. Doctors may see it more often, hence dismiss it in another day at the job. But when it his home, when it stares you in the face, you WILL feel compelled to do something, ANYTHING, because afterall you were trained to 'rectify' any state/condition that is not functioning normally. This is why we have a lecture, Diagnosing Death....to know when to let go. Any person on the street can tell you if someone is alive or dead...it doesn't take a genius. But how do you tell when a person has death in line?

I guess that's enough for now. Back to school.