Buttering Myself Up

I've been in somewhat of a bad mood for the past several days. Although i remain motivated, my temperament has been foul; thanks to no small part to the hypocrites i call family. If u had read my previous post with regard to sex out of wedlock, you can obviously see how strongly i feel about it. I have to be honest and say my stand has been conditioned by upbringing, religious education, and to no small part influenced by the incidents that lead to the wreckage of my only family institution : the inability of 1 man to control his sexual desire + 1 immoral woman who had no qualms about having sex with just anyone.

Do i not feel ashamed writing that down? why should i, when the offenders themselves have never truly been apologetic. Not my problem. Yet apparently the collateral 'victims' to the ordeal don't feel as strongly as i do. So i guess its everyone for themselves, they way it should have been from the start. No good deed goes unpunished. For trying to stick to what i believe in and truly spend time with my relatives, I get unadulterated version of the unspoken resentment and end up being the soundboard & the reliable one when it comes to...well, anything.

So. Let's butter me up to make me feel better.
Definitely better than beating myself up, right?

I come from a very educated family. On my mum's side, you have the ultimate definition of academic : my grandma, Prof Emeritus Puan Sri Dato Dr Fatimah Hamid Don. Yep, my grandma has a PhD. Google her and you'll get her journal contributions, newspaper articles & the sorts. As if that wasn't great enough, she is the founder and held high positions in several of the women NGOs in Malaysia. Then you have my late grandfather, Tan Sri Dato Ishak Pateh Akhir. Google him and you'll see his face as chairman of SPA & MIDA...he was a high-rank government officer. My mum, Dr Fawziah Ishak, Obs & Gynae specialist. She's well-known in Penang, esp in the mainland. On my father's side, my maktok Jumabee (MJ) was a teacher for over 40 years. I think she started teaching when she was 14...mostly math & art in primary school. My grandfather Daud was also a teacher, a high school art teacher (oil painting, pottery) ...its pathetic how i did not inherit ANY art skill. Although my MJ & tokwan aren't as high-powered as my other 2 grandparents, i am still very proud of them...many in their generation are illiterate, many never went to school, let alone have careers. My dad Mohd Rafi started as an engineer/technician and has long ventured in to business and the world of economics/venture capitalist/investments that i dont understand one bit.

That's them.

What about me? I always say i'm average but my friends always disagree. I guess academically i've been blessed. 5A UPSR + offered Sekolah Tun Fatimah, 8A PMR + offered MRSM Taiping, 9A SPM + offered PASUM, 4.0 PASUM + offered UM Medicine. According to my dad's calculations, among the ~200,000 that took SPM my year, ~2000 got straight 9A1..... since i only had 8A1+1A2.....that puts me at around the top 2-5% among my fellow batchmates. Now, I'm in my final year of Medical school where everyone is crazy brilliant, i haven't really felt smart in a long time. In medical school, i'm in the bunch who gets just enough to pass (so far).

So nevermind academics, i've always tried do to other things. Like my ventures into drama/theatre/performing coz i really enjoy doing so. Regardless of the feedback i get, i just cringe seeing myself on stage. Unsuccessful there. Art, i won't even bother. I've never been good in sports, probably because i've always been on the heavy side thus i get winded quicker than others. Nevertheless, i really did enjoy my 3 years in Goshin-ryu Karate and i still wish to continue till i get my black belt, if & when i have the time. I don't read much until recently (political blogs), I'm the worst when it comes to technology & gadgets, and in person i am pretty 'blur', not very eloquent and in my opinion, not really that interesting.

But i am intelligent.

It is only recently that i realized that. In searching of my forte, something that i can rely on and feel confident about, finally i could connect the dots. I am smart, as 'evidenced' by my academic track record. So what am i good at? what is my forte : STUDYING!

So what am I doing about that...refer my earlier post about turning 24. I am currently :
1) taking Mandarin classes
2) reading political/social/religious blogs & giving my opinions
3) reading Mahathir's book : The Malay Dilemma
4) studying a compilation of hadith : Tajzibu Athraf
5) studying the tafsir Al-Quran in english
and of course, i cannot leave out my medical textbooks & notes...but i have to admit, i get distracted with the aforementioned.

Perhaps i am being overzealous...i have 2 more books to read once i'm done : The Other Malaysia by Farish Noor, Kisah 25 Nabi & Rasul, tafsir Al-Quran in BM...novels & Chicken Soups. I can't help it, i'm excited but reading is taxing. Writing in this blog also helps keep me interested. Frankly i was surprised to see >50 hits on my blog in within a week, coz i really thought i had maybe 5 friends who actually read what i write.

That's enough buttering. Now i'm craving butter-fried prawns..Ooohhh...