Could This Be It?

It's no surprise that I've been doind a lot of soul searching the last couple of years, in trying to overcome my depression & all, trying to live a happier life. But so far, nothing i've tried is consistent enough to work all the time to 'pick me up'. It also doesnt help that I get easily bored with things and move on to something new; the motivation itself constantly wavering I'm searching for a formula that WORKS.

I've tried reading about whtever interests me, tried gym, tried karaoke & hanging out with friends (which is great, but its something you have to rely on people for), tried immersing myself in religion & current issues, dreaming or forecasting career prospects....so on and so forth.

Now, i've picked up the guitar. No lessons yet, just a chord book & a guide book and my 20-minute attention span. Even though i suck at it, somhow it provided a release i needed, the way piano used to do for me. I think i've said this in a previous post, about being unable to fool around with the piano made me miss it and I realized playing the piano (and now the guitar) does have a soothing effect on me. I'm contented with it regardless of how badly i play, like the guitar. One thing better with the guitar right now is that i am self-taught, so its more intimate,more organic, relying on my spark to learn & intuition rather than scheduled classes with homework. I'm not playing for anybody but me. However, for music (the guitar) to truly be a self-esteem booster, i gotta be good at it, just kick-ass enough to impress old friends at a barbeque party...something like that

Then just a few days back, by pure chance I spotted this Muay Thai Studio near my house, and i had this insatiable urge to find out more. The more i read online, the more eager I became to join & start immediately. I didn't. I didn't want it to be too impulsive and see it eventually abandoned, but until today I'm still excited about it. I actually emailed them with a few questions i had, and today I have an appointment to come look around. The price seems pretty affordable.

So I've been thinking...why am I so drawn to this, apart from its proximity to my current location? Then it hit me : it is the same as playing with music. Looking back 10 years ago, around Form 2 and Form 3, I was at my peak; I could do anything I wanted, I was at my happiest & most productive period in my life so far. I had great friends, schoolwork was in order and I had much more self-confidence. What was so different back then?

Back then i also had sporting activities. I was very active in my school Karate club; I was only a purple-belt when i had to stop and leave for MRSM. I also played tennis, but that was kinda forced on me like piano. Since MRSM i literally stopped all sporting activities. Maybe there was the occasional run, or tennis, and stints at the gym. I even took a personal trainer last year. I enjoyed myself in the gym, but something didn't quite click. I wasn't eager or excited to go back even though I did enjoy the workout. From time to time i'd find myself wondering if I could go back and finish what i'd started in karate....looking for a place that specifically trains in the Goshin-Ryu style to no avail. I can't possibly go back and join the training in SGGS or the Dojo in Batu Lanchang....it's been 10 years : I'm out of shape, out of touch, and had forgotted my of the syllabus that got me my purple belt. So could this particular juncture with Muay Thai Kickboxing be it : the sporting activity that can give me the release that Karate did years ago.

Perhaps it was wise to analyse my life at my peak...considering that i've been felling like i've passed my expiry date 3 years ago. No wonder I'm depressed. School wasn't going well, good friends are scattered, new ones are few & far between, unable to immerse myself in my love of performing arts and martial arts. Nothing to live for. That was my life. I felt empty, never felt whole and yet I knew the cause isn't my inherent asbece of a love life. That, has been constant even since my 'glory days', and for the most part I really don't mind. It's a completely different subject matter.

So could this be it? Is joining the kickboxing gym be the right thing to do? Will it finally provide me with another piece of the puzzle that'll make me whole? I don't know.
What do you think?