On My Own

I don't usually post up lyrics in my blog, but i guess there's a 1st for everything. For some unknown readon I've been feeling especially lonely since this afternoon and I still haven't been able to shake away the feeling. Longing, pathetic, needy, and most of all, vulnerable...a stark contrast to the person who went shopping for heavy duty wood glue & searching for a kickass red lipstick just hours earlier.
So here's the song, On My Own from the musical Les Miserables, this version sung by Lea Salonga...just so u know, i've never even seen it. I learned of the song during my musical theatre workshop a few years back.

On My Own - sung by Lea Salonga

And now I'm all alone again;

nowhere to go, noone to turn to

I did not want your money so I only did as I was told to

But now the night is near;

and I can make believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping

I think of him and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping

The city goes to bed

and I can live inside my head

On my own,

pretending he's beside me

All alone, I walk with him till morning

Without him, I feel his arms around me

and when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain

The pavement shines like silver

All the lights are misty in the river

In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

and all I see is him and me,

forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind

that I'm talking to myself and not to him

and although I know that he is blind,

Still I say there's a way for us

I love him

but when the night is over

He is gone; the river's just a river

Without him, the world around me changes

The trees are bare and everywhere the streets

are full of strangers

I love him

but everyday I'm learning

all my life...I've only been pretending

Without me, his world would go on turning

a world that's full of happiness that I have never known!

I love him,

I love him,

I love him,

but only on my own

And that is exactly how i feel tonight.

My go at MuayFit

After much pondering i realized my heart was already set on joining muay thai. So i arranged for a visit & scheduled a free trial session for a later date. By this time, i had 3 other friends pretty eager to join as well and we're hoping for a group discount or something. Here's their website http://www.muayfit.com. Thanks Jane, for helping me out.

The visit. Well the gym was empty at that time. It was clean, with mirrored walls & colourful floormats. The practise mitts were provided & they look to be in good condition, almost new. Then Jane took me upstairs to see the personal training section and oh my GOD it's beautiful. There was a boxing ring, a weights machine, about 8 punching bags (what pros call heavy packs) and several speedballs (those smaller, bouncy punching bags) with more practise mitts & bodypacks. The gym also sells equipment like gloves & hand wraps.

I decided to go for a free trial, the Muay Thai Beginner's Class on Friday 18th. Thankfully my friend Ramiza managed to join me. The other 2 were indisposed due to the short notice. I came early and saw the ongoing Intermediate class. They should rename it to Intimidating! Reminiscent of my times in Karate 10 years ago, going to the Batu Lanchang Dojo for additional practise; it reminded me of how it looked like when the brown & black belts were training, especially with that fierce Shihan Lim at the reigns. So yeah, intimidating with a tinge of aspirational envy & awe. So then I knew i was in the right place.

I had my reservations though : Karate was 10 years ago (and 10 kilos ago!). My stamina, my physique, everything is out of shape. Furthermore when i learnt Karate, all my instructors were women and all the students were girls (duh, it was SGGS). This is Muay Thai, raw & fierce. I am not beyond vulnerability & insecurity. If Mija weren't there, i'd have felt totally awkward, like I did the first few days in STARMAKER Musical Theatre Bootcamp.

Anyway...the Beginners class. The warm-up already was a shadow of what i used to do in Karate. Panting, sweating, cramping! Technique and erminology is different though. Jab, cross, hook, uppercut. Their roundhouse kick is more like the snapkick we had for Kumite. The jab they use was like the high forward punch and high reverse punch, only now done in kumite (sparring) stance. We didn't have uppercuts, but we had a similar block. So yeah, I enjoyed myself, but was a bit awkward adjusting what i had in muscle memory.

The class was only one hour though :(
But it was good thing considering how out of shape I am. I figured maybe in a few months i'd give the intermediate class a go. I'll also try out Freestyle Martial Arts & Krav Maga. At this moment I really don't regret signing up. Once the windedness and the tiredness have passed, I had a good sleep and I'm looking forward for more. But before you say 'go for it!', i gotta let my sore muscles heal first else i might seriously injure them jumping in too vigorous an activity.

So yeah, that's the beautiful highlight of my week : Muay Thai Kickboxing for Beginners.
If any of you reading this find yourselves interested to know more, call Jane at MuayFit Gym or email/text me to find out about their terms. Till next time, KOW POW!

Could This Be It?

It's no surprise that I've been doind a lot of soul searching the last couple of years, in trying to overcome my depression & all, trying to live a happier life. But so far, nothing i've tried is consistent enough to work all the time to 'pick me up'. It also doesnt help that I get easily bored with things and move on to something new; the motivation itself constantly wavering I'm searching for a formula that WORKS.

I've tried reading about whtever interests me, tried gym, tried karaoke & hanging out with friends (which is great, but its something you have to rely on people for), tried immersing myself in religion & current issues, dreaming or forecasting career prospects....so on and so forth.

Now, i've picked up the guitar. No lessons yet, just a chord book & a guide book and my 20-minute attention span. Even though i suck at it, somhow it provided a release i needed, the way piano used to do for me. I think i've said this in a previous post, about being unable to fool around with the piano made me miss it and I realized playing the piano (and now the guitar) does have a soothing effect on me. I'm contented with it regardless of how badly i play, like the guitar. One thing better with the guitar right now is that i am self-taught, so its more intimate,more organic, relying on my spark to learn & intuition rather than scheduled classes with homework. I'm not playing for anybody but me. However, for music (the guitar) to truly be a self-esteem booster, i gotta be good at it, just kick-ass enough to impress old friends at a barbeque party...something like that

Then just a few days back, by pure chance I spotted this Muay Thai Studio near my house, and i had this insatiable urge to find out more. The more i read online, the more eager I became to join & start immediately. I didn't. I didn't want it to be too impulsive and see it eventually abandoned, but until today I'm still excited about it. I actually emailed them with a few questions i had, and today I have an appointment to come look around. The price seems pretty affordable.

So I've been thinking...why am I so drawn to this, apart from its proximity to my current location? Then it hit me : it is the same as playing with music. Looking back 10 years ago, around Form 2 and Form 3, I was at my peak; I could do anything I wanted, I was at my happiest & most productive period in my life so far. I had great friends, schoolwork was in order and I had much more self-confidence. What was so different back then?

Back then i also had sporting activities. I was very active in my school Karate club; I was only a purple-belt when i had to stop and leave for MRSM. I also played tennis, but that was kinda forced on me like piano. Since MRSM i literally stopped all sporting activities. Maybe there was the occasional run, or tennis, and stints at the gym. I even took a personal trainer last year. I enjoyed myself in the gym, but something didn't quite click. I wasn't eager or excited to go back even though I did enjoy the workout. From time to time i'd find myself wondering if I could go back and finish what i'd started in karate....looking for a place that specifically trains in the Goshin-Ryu style to no avail. I can't possibly go back and join the training in SGGS or the Dojo in Batu Lanchang....it's been 10 years : I'm out of shape, out of touch, and had forgotted my of the syllabus that got me my purple belt. So could this particular juncture with Muay Thai Kickboxing be it : the sporting activity that can give me the release that Karate did years ago.

Perhaps it was wise to analyse my life at my peak...considering that i've been felling like i've passed my expiry date 3 years ago. No wonder I'm depressed. School wasn't going well, good friends are scattered, new ones are few & far between, unable to immerse myself in my love of performing arts and martial arts. Nothing to live for. That was my life. I felt empty, never felt whole and yet I knew the cause isn't my inherent asbece of a love life. That, has been constant even since my 'glory days', and for the most part I really don't mind. It's a completely different subject matter.

So could this be it? Is joining the kickboxing gym be the right thing to do? Will it finally provide me with another piece of the puzzle that'll make me whole? I don't know.
What do you think?

Just Books

Books I'm Currently Reading :

1. Serial Killer Timelines : Illustrated Accounts of the World's Most Gruesome Murders (Dr. Chris McNab)
I'm not exactly sure how my fascination with serial killers sterted.....or more specifically, my fascination with sexual sadism, sex crimes and psychotic killers. I was probably around 14 years old, watching a show on Discovery channel called Medical Detectives, and sometimes New Dedtectives. This was before the massive explosion of CSI into Astro & mainstream television. It was basically how they solved a string of murders; from the discovery of victime, to police work, forensics, arrest & trial. The i started watching more crime shows like CSI and Law & Order, but my real favourite nowadays is Criminal MInds.

2. Play Guitar in 10 Easy Lessons (Jon Buck)
Many years I go, i had piano lessons. I never did complete it, and neither was I too fond of it. It was just something I couldn't relate to, but after being at it for so long I did learn to enjoy playing music. I didn't quite realize how much until i went to MRSM and my piano lessons stopped for good. One day, a friend and I discovered the piano in the school hall was unlocked and we started playing...and that was when I realize that playing a piano did provide me with some form of release. I had to learn that lesson once again a few weeks ago. As a teen I did fantasize about becoming a drummer or a rock guitarist but this time, I decided to give guitar a go. I needed an artful outlet...and music is more practical than theatre/drama; and the guitar is more portable than the piano or drums. Not to mentioned that i discovered this really cool Grammer guitar in the closet back when I moved into my grandma's house.

3. The Secret (Rhonda Byrne)
I got curious! Plus i think the cover looks really nice. I thought it was rather expensive, until I found a copu in a book sale. I've really just cracked the foreword; now let's just hope I finish it.


Books I Want To Get :

1. The 48 Laws of Power (Robers Greene, Joost Elffers)
Just reading the title itself sounds so powerful. I might just get the concise version thought, I really don't like thick books...which is the ONLY reason why I didnt read Harry Potter books 5-8 and the Twilight series.

2. Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs (Zahi Hawass)
I think i've already mentioned about my fascination with ancient Egypt and a bit on Dr. Zahi Hawass in a previous post about travelling. When i saw this book, i didn't have much cash on me and was amazed at how affordable it wass : again, I found it in a discount book store. This book is also the official National Geographic guide to the exhibits of the Cairo museum...so i guess I doubt there is another book out there more fitting than this to satisfy my academic curiosity as well as prepare me for my eventual tour of Egypt.

3. How to be a Domestic Goddess (Nigella Lawson)
Actually, I'm drawn to a lot of her books but I think this one will be a good start. I just like her style whenever I manage to catch her show on tv. It looks simple & manageable enough, with modifications of course...She was the reason I became less anxious/afraid of the kitchen & learning to cook.

4. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
Just because....my dad read it, reccommended it. He recommended the Da Vinci Code to me and I enjoyed it. This book is real famous, I'm not surprised if it turns out to be a classic in future... Numerous awards, stuff like that. I don't read much to know about authors and must-reads.

5. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Stephen R. Covey)
Never to late to improve yourself....especially when you spend most of the time dreading your day, procrastinating your tasks and living in dreams of a different life. I have to wonder what I am doing wrong, and how to make the best out of it. Before starting Form 3, i did read a motivational book about PMR and i think it did help me at the time...and in that sense, I am long overdue for a motivation seminar of sorts. Let's hope this works!



Books I Have and Should Read/Finish First :

1. Online Killers : Portraits of Murderers, Cannibals and Sex Predators Who Stalked The Web for Thier Victims (Christopher Berry-Dee, Steven Morris)
2. The Last Lecture (Randy Pausch)
3. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
4. Tafsir Al-Quran
5. The Other Malaysia (Dr. Farish Noor)


Things I Wish I Could Read Up on :

1. Spa & Massage
2. World History
3. Psychology
4. Beauty
5. Religion & Religious History
6. Cooking & World Cuisine
7. Crime & Punishment
8. Rock & Roll
9. Geology & Gemstones
10. Self-help & Motivation

Random Musings...

• Why oh Why did DBKL forcefully relocate my favourite spot in KL : the row of Middle-Eastern restaurants & shisha/hookah joints in Jalan Damai?
• Sometimes I wish I was a Dato' or Tan Sti something-or-other, just so i can cut through the red tape & settle this bullshit administrative crap. Don't get me wrong, i don't mind taking a number and waiting in line, I just hate the whole "fill this form" then "consult that department" and "send an application & we'll call you in a few days" and they never do.
• I've never finished anything I started : piano, karate, tennis, Mandarin class, weight loss, religion, novels....I wonder if it's going to be the same with the guitar?
• With all the trouble I have to go though to enable me to sit for my exams in March, maybe it's a sign for me to sit for it in 6 months time...
• The medication i'm currently on is really working for me. I haven't felt this able in years!
• Should i really get a smartphone, HTC, iphone, some android-y thingy?
• My loneliness is the thing i find hardest to admit or do anything about, main reason being I don't believe i'll have any success at it; and multiple failures is a real self-esteem killer...so better not open that haunted closet...there, i've said it
• As much as i truly do like helping people, they can't help but take advantage. No such thing as a 'once in a while' occurence. Apparently, i can't seem to say no! If i do, i have to deal with the guilt.
• Even though I do like to write, I can't do it to a schedule AND i'm not good enough to make a living out of it
• Sometimes I wish i had all the time in the world to read all the books I wanna read...or maybe i should pick-up speedreading.....anyone know how?
• Whenever i daydream, I am 5 foot 6, slim, with thicker hair
• I think currently my vice is Coke, coffee & choc chip cookies