Discouraged

Last week my article was published on the blogsite Unscientific Malaysia. Here's the link http://unmalaysia.wordpress.com/2010/03/11/my-2-cents-on-fatine-2/comment-page-1/#comments You can find the original article in my blog archive, January 2010

I submitted that blog post to the administrators because the discussions on UnMsia's Facebook page at the time was going a lot into gay/LGBT issues and thought it would be a good idea to share. So imagine my surprise when they responded and decided to publish it. I mean, i am nobody...just another girl with a blog.

When the article came out, i was practically jumping up and down with excitement. I went to check it out for myself & nearly had a heart attack : there was a comment by Marina Mahathir. There it was, one of the earliest comments. I was stunned. Marina Mahathir commented on something I wrote, not the other way around!!! Once the initial shock wore off, i was elated and proceeded to forward the link to my friends, my mother, my sister... At that moment i felt like a kid showing-off her artwork, and was so happy for the support from friends.

That was then.

Obviously i followed my article closely. Now there are many more comments, and a significant proportion of them negative, with non-helpful criticism. Some responded emotionally, convinced i have no idea what i'm talking about, or that i am so far away from actually understanding the issue. The comments on the Facebook page are a lot harsher, some telling me to "shut the fuck up" http://www.facebook.com/notes/unscientific-malaysia/my-2-cents-on-fatine/355903123510 .

Even my comments attempting to clear misunderstandings or misconception regarding statements within the article were met with 'dislikes'. Basically all the bad comments were just one step short of name-calling or branding me a 'disgrace'. They refuse to accept my clarifications of the article, that it wasnt meant to be a scientific/research article thus was written based on observation, brief reading, and knowledge at hand. They dont see the fact that i am not writing as an activist, a sympathiser, an opposer, or as an individual with 'experience' (i.e, a transexual or a family member or someone living with a transexual)...heck they even questioned when i say i'm on the fence.

Seriously. If i had wrote the article as a Professor of Gender Studies or Sociology and had made those errors in my article, then yes, feel free to crucify me, i'd deserve it. Don't punish a 10-year old for not being able to do PMR level quadratics.

The 'up' side to my article was that there were transexual women who read it, and they did not condemn me except for my haphazard teminology. I appreciate them sharing their stories, and they were not like the stereotypes i wrote about. The problem with trying to reach out to the marginalized or 'frowned upon' population is that they get so defensive; i faced similar criticism when i interviewed drug addicts at the Pusat Serenti. They disregard the fact that i had CHOSEN be there & learn about them; instead some condemn me for being skeptical about trusting drug addicts. Instead of showing me why & how they can be trusted, this guy just confronted & lectured me on MY 'sincerity' and motives. Same with these transexual sympathisers (like i said, the trans women were actually receptive) chose to laugh at my 'ignorance', express their appalled-ness over my lack of 'initiative' and 'understanding'.

You know what's sad? my mum & sis haven't even seen my article. never mind reading or commenting, they haven't even looked at it.

Why is my title 'Discouraged'? Well, i've told u about UnMsia's Facebook page. I debate there a lot, and unfortunately i always find myself having to speak about Islam because of the blatant condemnation & apparent misinterpretation by the anti-Islam and left-wing liberatarians. all i do is put out facts that i know. and instead of taking the facts, they question my understanding, my interpretation, my motives, my knowlegde and accuse me of pick-n-choose Islamic teachings as well as manipulating Islam to prove my point. Mind you, i dont even quote the Quran or Hadith and i make it a point never to do so unless talking to other Muslims.

Debating there was my outlet when stressed : it channels my aggression to something more useful; helps take the edge off. Instead of creating drama or picking fights with friends/family, i 'fight' about topics, issues, and causes. Just as what happened with my article, i now spend more time clarifying & justifying the points i put out; with no help from fellow members or friends.

My once source of stress release has turned into my source of stress. I guess it is time stop & move on to something else.

Exhaustion by Expectation...AAARGH!!!

I am currently in the 3rd week of my medical posting...or at least i am supposed to be. I practically slept through the whole of last week; i could barely keep myself awake. This week i'm plagued by insomnia, waking up at 3am and unable to fall back asleep. I am very much interested with my studies, but just overwhelmed because there is too much to do. Its draining just thinking about it & planning my next course of action and frankly, i have little energy to do anything. Forget eating or socializing; i'm too tensed most of the time anyway.

Let me give you a tour of the expected life of a final year medical student in University Malaya.

My current posting : Internal Medicine.
We are rotated among the 8-10 sub-specialty wards each week (cardiology, neurology, geriatric, hematology, etc.) for the 8-week posting. Depending on the ward, each student will have about 7 patients to cover; meaning to fully clerk the history, full examination, trace lab results & X-rays, study the case notes, and follow-up until discharge. By exam standards, full clerking + examination + diagnosis + plan investigations should be done in <1 hour (experienced doctors can do it within 10-30mins depending on the illness...that's y the GPs shoo you away after 2 minutes). Simple math will tell you it will take minimum 8 hours in the ward including breaks & moving between patients, just to cover the patients...without even checking reference textbooks about the disease. 8 HOURS OF BASIC EXPECTED PREPARATION FOR JUST 1 HOUR OF CLASS (TEACHING WARD ROUND). We have 2-3 teaching ward rounds a week. And some of our lecturers expect us to be in the ward 7.30am-5.00pm to join with the consultant/medical officer ward rounds or help with blood taking and other things like that. Then we have on-call duties once a week so we have to stay at the ward or emergency department at least until midnight & follow the doctors.

That is just the ward work. Mind you, its not like we are getting paid...and neither are we actually treating the patient...just aggressively observing.

Then in every posting, we are expected to observe procedures like X-rays, CT scans, endoscopy, biopsies, blablabla...at our own time. Regardless if we have seen such procedures before (perhaps in different postings), failure to obtain the the attending doctor's signature to complete/fill out log books would reflect poor attitude and less marks. On top of that, we have tutorials on various topics once or twice a week, each taking about 1-2 hours. Because the lecturers themselves are specialists/consultants, they are very busy thus last-minute schedule changes are not uncommon. Then in some postings we also have to attend to the clinics, to learn about follow-up, clinic vs ward setting, learn how to decide which patients need to be admitted, so on and so forth. And because UMMC is very sub-specialized, different clinics are on different days!!! Then there are additional stints with the Departments of Pathology and Radiology every other week....sometimes requiring searching for additional patients or writing up reports. Then we also have 1-2 hours of general lectures and 2 hours of Clinical Pathology Conference (CPC) once a week. Attendance for EVERYTHING is compulsory, anyone with <80% per posting will be subjeced to inquiry by the Dean's Office and barred from our final exam. Oh, and did i mention that we have end-of-posting exams every 8 weeks?

Overwhelmed yet? Noticed that i haven't even mentioned READING or STUDYING.....let alone RELAXING. Ideally, they expect students to read up on the disease/conditions of their allocated patients in the wards as well as their treatment options, read up in tutorial topics beforehand, revise the contents of the general lectures, and prepare for the CPC which are very complicated cases like you see on House. I personally think one has to either be manic or hyperthyroid or hyperactive or addicted to coffee/red bull/crystal meth to be able to cope. That's why i am contented with my C-mark at every major exam.

Hospital staff (doctors, nurses, dentists alike) always say this about UM grads : UM grads are excellent, they are very skilled with clinical work and have a lot of knowlegde, but have bad attitudes. Well, that's because in the process of our training/grooming/education we have learnt to say FUCK YOU!!! We'll go around doing out own business, as long as the patient is safe/stable, the filing & documentation is up-to-date, we really don't give 2 shits about anything else.

Ain't we a fun bunch. Now...has anyone got some crystal meth for me?

Buttering Myself Up

I've been in somewhat of a bad mood for the past several days. Although i remain motivated, my temperament has been foul; thanks to no small part to the hypocrites i call family. If u had read my previous post with regard to sex out of wedlock, you can obviously see how strongly i feel about it. I have to be honest and say my stand has been conditioned by upbringing, religious education, and to no small part influenced by the incidents that lead to the wreckage of my only family institution : the inability of 1 man to control his sexual desire + 1 immoral woman who had no qualms about having sex with just anyone.

Do i not feel ashamed writing that down? why should i, when the offenders themselves have never truly been apologetic. Not my problem. Yet apparently the collateral 'victims' to the ordeal don't feel as strongly as i do. So i guess its everyone for themselves, they way it should have been from the start. No good deed goes unpunished. For trying to stick to what i believe in and truly spend time with my relatives, I get unadulterated version of the unspoken resentment and end up being the soundboard & the reliable one when it comes to...well, anything.

So. Let's butter me up to make me feel better.
Definitely better than beating myself up, right?

I come from a very educated family. On my mum's side, you have the ultimate definition of academic : my grandma, Prof Emeritus Puan Sri Dato Dr Fatimah Hamid Don. Yep, my grandma has a PhD. Google her and you'll get her journal contributions, newspaper articles & the sorts. As if that wasn't great enough, she is the founder and held high positions in several of the women NGOs in Malaysia. Then you have my late grandfather, Tan Sri Dato Ishak Pateh Akhir. Google him and you'll see his face as chairman of SPA & MIDA...he was a high-rank government officer. My mum, Dr Fawziah Ishak, Obs & Gynae specialist. She's well-known in Penang, esp in the mainland. On my father's side, my maktok Jumabee (MJ) was a teacher for over 40 years. I think she started teaching when she was 14...mostly math & art in primary school. My grandfather Daud was also a teacher, a high school art teacher (oil painting, pottery) ...its pathetic how i did not inherit ANY art skill. Although my MJ & tokwan aren't as high-powered as my other 2 grandparents, i am still very proud of them...many in their generation are illiterate, many never went to school, let alone have careers. My dad Mohd Rafi started as an engineer/technician and has long ventured in to business and the world of economics/venture capitalist/investments that i dont understand one bit.

That's them.

What about me? I always say i'm average but my friends always disagree. I guess academically i've been blessed. 5A UPSR + offered Sekolah Tun Fatimah, 8A PMR + offered MRSM Taiping, 9A SPM + offered PASUM, 4.0 PASUM + offered UM Medicine. According to my dad's calculations, among the ~200,000 that took SPM my year, ~2000 got straight 9A1..... since i only had 8A1+1A2.....that puts me at around the top 2-5% among my fellow batchmates. Now, I'm in my final year of Medical school where everyone is crazy brilliant, i haven't really felt smart in a long time. In medical school, i'm in the bunch who gets just enough to pass (so far).

So nevermind academics, i've always tried do to other things. Like my ventures into drama/theatre/performing coz i really enjoy doing so. Regardless of the feedback i get, i just cringe seeing myself on stage. Unsuccessful there. Art, i won't even bother. I've never been good in sports, probably because i've always been on the heavy side thus i get winded quicker than others. Nevertheless, i really did enjoy my 3 years in Goshin-ryu Karate and i still wish to continue till i get my black belt, if & when i have the time. I don't read much until recently (political blogs), I'm the worst when it comes to technology & gadgets, and in person i am pretty 'blur', not very eloquent and in my opinion, not really that interesting.

But i am intelligent.

It is only recently that i realized that. In searching of my forte, something that i can rely on and feel confident about, finally i could connect the dots. I am smart, as 'evidenced' by my academic track record. So what am i good at? what is my forte : STUDYING!

So what am I doing about that...refer my earlier post about turning 24. I am currently :
1) taking Mandarin classes
2) reading political/social/religious blogs & giving my opinions
3) reading Mahathir's book : The Malay Dilemma
4) studying a compilation of hadith : Tajzibu Athraf
5) studying the tafsir Al-Quran in english
and of course, i cannot leave out my medical textbooks & notes...but i have to admit, i get distracted with the aforementioned.

Perhaps i am being overzealous...i have 2 more books to read once i'm done : The Other Malaysia by Farish Noor, Kisah 25 Nabi & Rasul, tafsir Al-Quran in BM...novels & Chicken Soups. I can't help it, i'm excited but reading is taxing. Writing in this blog also helps keep me interested. Frankly i was surprised to see >50 hits on my blog in within a week, coz i really thought i had maybe 5 friends who actually read what i write.

That's enough buttering. Now i'm craving butter-fried prawns..Ooohhh...