When the Present is all you've got

I'm just gonna go ahead and start rambling.

1) Work
I've been a houseman for about 2+ months...i've just switched from the Yellow trauma team to Spine team...and it's like the beginning all over again. New bosses, new terminologies, new teammates. I can't even begin to describe how miserable i am. Of course, friends and colleagues tell me its normal coz i'm still new, in my first posting, it is expected that i'll be slow and miss out a few things. It will take time to find my footing and pick up the pace, they said. Logically, i know that. The reality; how many times can you say 'i dont know' to your bosses & colleagues without getting demoralized? Before things get better in the future, it will be hard...and it is tough now.
And i cry...a lot
I talk to friends who have moved on to different postings...after all, Orthopaedics is the most relaxed posting in housemanship (and i'm struggling)...and they're depressed. I wonder how am I gonna be able to cope. My basics are worth shit. Many a days i question my decision to stick with the medical line.
Naturally I am envious of those who do better than me...and i'm not comparing myself to seniors...just those who started around my time.
When i am off the clock, my priorities are : go out with friends or sleep. Frankly those are the only things i know to do so i do not feel so alone. Mentally, i'm too tired to study though i know i desperately have to. Lets not even begin to describe my living conditions...I'm just thankful my grandmother helps me out

2) Reminders of mortality
Last saturday a friend/colleague of mine was met with an accident. All i heard from my yellow team bosses was he's in an accident, going into surgery now. The humorous bit : he'll b admitted in his own ward, where his gf is working, operated and managed by his former team n bosses.
Back to the serious stuff.
Trying to find cosmic significance in everyday events will drive you crazy, but in this case it was a slap in the face. On that same night, I actually had plans with friends for...lets just call it an 'unconventional escapade'....and BAM! Another friend gets hit by a car. Its as if the powers-that-be is screaming DONT DO IT!!! I cancelled my plans and went to the hospital. He's actually quite alright. And awkward 'ol me, i just didnt know what to say...we're not thaat close for me to let him see my dramatic overreaction. Plus his mum n brother were there. He'll be discharged soon anyway. I had a flashback to Eizlan's accident, i wrote about it a few years back. All in all, i'm glad he's OK...rather sad that he'll have to extend his housemanship when he's sooo close to finishing...he wont be able to step on his foot for at least 2 months.

There is also another incident, this time involving my patient so i can't talk too much about it. He was quite well when he requested to be discharged. Then i got word that he passed away at home. Although he didnt pass away in the hospital, technically he is my first patient to go. I was in a somewhat sombre mood after receiving the news. There was nothing i could have possibly done. But fact remains that i was the last doctor he saw before leaving the hospital and got his discharge papers together. Its OK..perhaps he's in a better place.

I guess that's it for now. I can't think of anything else.