Anger Management

I hate being angry.
It is really an unpleasant feeling.
Thankfully, i dont get angry very often...somehow over the years my knee-jerk angry spews have disappeared. Ask the friends that know me from way back in primary & secondary school and they'll tell you i'm known for my sharp tongue, impatience and temper (that's the bad stuff...). I guess we all grow up, learn a bit of tolerance, about giving in, and to not sweat the small stuff.

But still, shit happens.

Nowdays my anger is akin to a thunderclap : sudden, explosive, and scary (to me!)
The reason i dont like being angry is because of the thoughts that flood my mind following the offending situation/person. Its horrible. Things like wanting to push an old lady down a flight of stairs, or to slit someone's throat when they fall asleep, or wishing they fail exams, or wanting them to die alone & in disgrace. I cant believe such thoughts are actually coming from me. If anything, i am thankful i'm not one of the X-men or Heroes or own that book from Death Note. Otherwise in that impulsive fury someone will be hurt. Also, within the thunderclap, i can keep my mouth shut....which is probably a good thing, for that moment.

My reactions have evolved from 'confrontational' to become 'avoidant' and then passive-aggressive...which is NOT good. I fear becoming a ticking time-bomb. Of course i try to resolve the issue, after giving myself a few days to bring the temper down a notch and collect my thoughts. Alas, what am i to do if the other party refuses to respond or acknowledge? Surely that cant be a bad reflection on me, afterall it takes 2 to tango.

I guess it goes without saying that i'm having an unresolved conflict of sorts. Its draining. Nobody likes under-handed tactics & false accusations no matter what your age. Too bad for me needing a clear conscience. Its draining on me because i hate to leave things hanging, and i'm not one who can brush things off and say 'whatever'. Guilt? Only because u r my 'superior'. i didnt wrong you; instead you chose to make my pitfalls your problem.

The thunderclap is gone but the skies are still dark, waiting for a ray of sunshine.