A Moment of Clarity

I was on Facebook for a few hours just now, waiting for my Farmville crops to be ready. I had run out of my usual online time-killing things to do, then i got a bright idea : inbox-messaging friends.

To be frank, i haven't socialized much in the past year or so. Most of the times i prefer to be by myself...i just had no mood for it. Even when friends try to ask me out, i reluctantly agree and end up cancelling in the last minute. Of course, friends/acquaintances in my immediate surrounding markedly shrank a long time ago when i left my initial MBBS 2005/2010 and joined with the juniors...even more so since they've graduated & started working in hospitals all over the country. So, in my everyday there is a steep drop even in casual encounters; hardly any more hi's or hello's from the 150-or so familiar faces walking down the corridor. Friends outside of med school hv always been tough to hangout with coz they're working or back at their home state.

As a result, i feel lonely a lot of the time. I don't blame them for it...well maybe i blame them about 30%...the rest of it is me not wanting to be around people, feel the need to be alone..and the part of me that doesn't understand why i do it; i just have to. Heck, most times i dont think i'd be any good for company, that i'd probably bore those who ask me out or come over, and i didnt wanna feel bad if i had 'dampened' the whole outing. So might as well stay in by myself & be bored by myself.

Anyway. Like i said i was waiting for my Farmville crops to mature & i was feeling rather joyful & i started messaging my friends, one after the other. With each message i typed, i felt a lil more uplifted. Somehow it felt like everything was clear now, and i had a certain calm embrace me. The feeling itself wasn't overwhelming...but when i realized the feeling, typing, 'talking' to my friends, I felt my old self. It was good. It felt wonderful. I felt like i had clarity, that i was being like my old chatty jovial self. Suddenly now, typing this, I begin to miss my friends...I miss chatting with them...I miss the feeling of security, knowing they will be there for me if i need someone to turn to.

It is in moments like these, that i 100% believe that i do indeed suffer from depression. In moments of clarity like these i can look back at my weariness, it-doesnt-matter feelings, incredibly boring & lethargic everyday then say for sure that the sloth-like existence cannot possibly be my own conscious doing...because they never feel right, and sometimes they don't even feel real. I never felt truly rested no matter how much i sleep, I never felt truly unburdened regardless how little i take on or even when i choose to do nothing. I know i am better than that, that i am capable of a lot more...but when i am in the slum, i never believe it, and think that i indeed subconsciously want to destroy myself. Even worse when people around me too start blaming it on me having a bad attitude, being lazy and irresponsible.

I felt that i had to write within this moment, before it slips away and i become my shadow again. All i want, just like evryone else, is to be happy and to be able to experience happiness. I want this clarity to just last longer, no need for forever. Just last long enough so i can get things done, and feel like I actually do exist, and that this a life, that i am not just an empty vessel floating through time.

Good night.