Fill in the Blanks

Its been quite a while since i last wrote anything. The last few months for me felt rather uneventful, slow. Not that they really were, but it just felt that way. For some reason i've felt persistently bored, as if my emotional thermostat was stuck on 'blank'. Whatever feelings of enjoyment or sadness, anger or enthusiasm were short-lived and merely reactive. So naturally, i had no opinion on anything yet my thoughts were swarming left right and centre on god knows what...

I'm still not quite 'fine' yet, though i cant put a finger on it so really, questions like 'are u ok' or 'whats wrong' will be met by a stoned expression & a stiff, uncomfortable chuckle. It is 4.30am and i wanna kill time till i'm due for ward rounds so here goes.

1. My Grandma's 77th Birthday
Saturday 10th July. I dont know whose idea it was, but i have to say there were lotsa bumps on the execution of the party. i mean, i live in the same house as my grandma, but i only found out about the party when i picked my mum up (who came all the way from Penang mind you). Regardless, it was a huge turnout...5 or 6 cars worth of relatives, ud think it was a Raya openhouse! We ended up with 4 birthday cakes, some murtabak + pasembor and other 'snack' food but no 'real' food. Not to fret, Dima Marlina & her Domino's coupons saved the day! Heck, even Dominos sounded confused, coz i had to call and order twice that day...huhu. It was fun, really, seeing my grandma blow 30-something candles on the many cakes. She was happy, pleased, that's all that mattered. She said to me today, she never had such a big party, maybe she it was all the excitement or because of the shock that she's getting sick today (she's getting the flu).

2. OZ
OZ....The name on the street for the Oswald State Correctional Facility, Level 4. Haha. Its a tv series, by HBO waay back in 1997-2003...6 seasons altogether. I've watched it twice back in 2008 when i was doing my elective in the pusat serenti. And I've watched it again twice the last few weeks. Its a show about life in prison, and will probably be one of the most gripping, brutal, real and unique show u'll ever see. Man I love it. Super testosterone (haha). Gotta thank my dad for intoducing it to me. I haven't watched Prison Break, but to be frank, i'm skeptical coz i dont think something truly realistic & gory/intense would be able to be that mainstream. Anyway. I made my sis watch it and now she's hooked. Our fave characters : The O'Reily Brothers...i love Ryan & she loves Cyril...played by real-life brothers Dean Winters and Scott William Winters, respectively. And heck, their brother, Bradford Winters also came in as one of the writers for the show. But really, there are so many good characters that anyone who watches Oz will have a hard time picking favourites.

3. Schindler's List
When oNe came to stay with me a month ago, i was surprised to find this movie on her external hard drive. Its one of those movies i've heard of but have no idea what its about. I watched it, initially confused coz half of the dialogue was in German or Polish then in Hebrew or Yiddish but then somehow it didnt matter; the message was clear. Its a true story about the events during the Holocaust and how a man named Oskar Schindler managed to save the lives of almost 1200 jews from Poland. The movie haunted me; made me want to watch it again and again. It made me surf online to read a bit more on the Holocaust, Schindler himself, Amon Goeth, and whetever that was related. One particular night i scared myself shitless, reading on human vivisection (surgery/dissection on live victims without anaesthesia), human 'medical experiments', mass executions....all done by the Nazis to the jews & other prisoners...even the Japanese did the same thing during their occupation of China...they did that plus 2 other sick, grotesque practise : CANNIBALISM and 'comfort women' (kidnap village women & put them in brothels to 'serve comfort' for the soldiers). yeeesh. I didnt dare turn the light off that night.

4. Medical School
Not surprisingly, i'm getting the same feelings i had the last time : why does it matter? what the hell am i doing here? i'm not a doctor, i'm just a smart-ass in a white coat. Yeah, those feelings. Going to sleep & wishing i'd evaporate into thin air. I've finished my Medicine posting & my Psychiatry posting (i wish i had my head on right; i wouldve enjoyed it a lot more) and now i'm in Orthopaedics. Oh, we also had 3 weeks of OMHS (Organization & Management of Health Services) and my group was posted in Putrajaya. Boring as hell. Compared to the previous project trip to Maran in 3rd year for CRP (Community Residency Programme), i felt completely useless & out of the loop. All i did was interview the guy i was supposed to, wrote my report, & helped 1 editor with a teeny bit of editing. I'm just glad that's over, but it also means going back to the wards and unpredictable class schedules. hmmph. I just wanna be able to feel excited & interested...my reflex is to avoid it like a plague, or put if off until abso-freakin-lutely necessary, i.e. crossing the bridge when i get there. As if on cue, somehow on days that i have class suddenly i cant wake up, completely knocked-out in a 16-hour coma. Frankly right now, i'm contented if i complete/submit my assignments, do my on-calls & vaguely know about the posting. I couldnt care less about making the 80% attendance mark or to be as good as evrybody else. One day, this will change. I cant live with myself like this.

I guess that's it for now. Till next time, ciao!