The Measure of Acceptance

27th September 2009

"No man is happy wihtout a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities." - Christian Nevell Bovee

Pain. Emotional turmoil. Some literature even use the term psyche-ache. It is very real and sadly, it will happen from time to time regardless of causation or circumstance. For the most of us, we respond in a similar fashion, going through many phases as time goes on. This progression (although i may be speaking mainly of loss and rejection), as followers of pop psychology would know is called The 5 stages of Grief/Breavement :

1) Denial - this is not happening to me! it's not real...
2) Anger - why the hell would anyone do that!? *&^$@!!! they deserve to die!!!
3) Bargaining - is there something i can do to undo this? can you take it back?
4) Depression - i've failed. i screwed up. its never going to be ok. its no good.
5) Acceptance - its ok. bad things just happen.

What is the measure of acceptance? Is it when the cause & effects of the pain are diluted by time, only to exist as a memory? Is it when one can go on with their usual routine and do other things, so-called 'moving on'?

Many would disagree with me, but my answer is NO. All that is just a clever compartmentalisation and the real issue of ACCEPTANCE has yet to be dealt with. Having gone through stages 1-4 then simply saying 'bad things just happen'...to me is another form of denial. Why? because the magnitude of your pain has been diminished into an afterthought. It is not being given its true credit and acknowledgement, and you would not have learnt anything from it. In the future, should you be so unlucky to find yourself in the same predicament, or become face to face with something so familiar that it triggers all those emotions again...the cycle of bereavement continues and you'd feel even worse, victimised by things beyond your control.

Acceptance, is the most bitter pill of all. During my recovery from depression, i've gone over facts and replayed situations in my head so many times (we've all done that before) thus pulling myself apart then forcing myself to snap back to focus on daily tasks. One day it dawned on me : I realized, i cannot fault someone for living their life; no matter how much it pains me to no longer be a part of it. It doesn't matter whether i was rejected or unfairly treated or left behind. It doesn't matter what they say, regardless how it contradicts your own memories and feelings...that is their story. This is the reality of the saying 'two sides of the same coin'. I had to trust my instincts, my own inner voice, because that is my gift.

Does it matter, if i still shed tears walking down memory lane? Not anymore. These are tears of love, of forgiveness, and of personal growth. The tears are an acknowledgement of what has happened, and no longer of grief. This is what it means to let go. This, is acceptance.