Dima VS Home Lighting

OK. On good days, i'm the type to attempt things myself rather than ask for help. So for things like changing lightbulbs, changing toilet seat covers, cleaning sink traps, re-glueing parquet pieces or attaching pan handles, i can manage.

The light over my dressing table had been flickering for weeks then one day i noticed it was dim. The light was still on, so it means the bulb wasn't blown, right? So i reached to the next logical conclusion : it was a starter problem. I know what the starter looks like...small white cylindrical thing below the fluorescent bulb mount. I know i can buy them at hardware or electrical stores. I assumed i could fix it; just remove it, take it to the store n get the exact one and put it back on...just like a lightbulb. Sadly, I was wrong.

I had gone through the trouble of removing the big sheet of glass which was the 'roof' of my dresser (the lightbulb was in the 'attic')...it was heavy!! Almost as tall as i am. Took the fluarescent bulb off then tried to pull the starter out. No can do. Unscrew the mount. There u go. Wires. Now why didnt i think of that? And so, without any further knowledge or equipment i put things back to the way they were before. Hey i'm no electrician; i'v only got the knowlegde of electric & appliance up to Form 3 living skills.

Guess i gotta call the electrician. Might as well have him do my bathroom lights : now that, is a lightbulb problem. Why wont i do it myself? Because its just to damn hard getting a 7-foot ladder up a narrow spiral staircase.

You know one thing i frequently wish i'm good at? Mechanics. Yep. Back in living skills class, learning about radiators and carburetors... then of course once i started driving come the multiple visits to the mechanic for various reasons. i think it'd be so cool if i knew how to do stuff like that. You know what, i'll go out on a limb and say i bet i can change a tyre. I'd love to try on a basic car. The last time i had a flat was on my Suzuki 4x4, and it required TWO jacks to lift. Too much for a beginner. Haha.

Well i guess i'll go to sleep n dream of Me the Mechanic...not the Megan Fox a.k.a Mikaela, but my own version : white tank top, greasy denim overalls, converse lace-up sneakers and a black baseball cap. Good night.

The Measure of Acceptance

27th September 2009

"No man is happy wihtout a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities." - Christian Nevell Bovee

Pain. Emotional turmoil. Some literature even use the term psyche-ache. It is very real and sadly, it will happen from time to time regardless of causation or circumstance. For the most of us, we respond in a similar fashion, going through many phases as time goes on. This progression (although i may be speaking mainly of loss and rejection), as followers of pop psychology would know is called The 5 stages of Grief/Breavement :

1) Denial - this is not happening to me! it's not real...
2) Anger - why the hell would anyone do that!? *&^$@!!! they deserve to die!!!
3) Bargaining - is there something i can do to undo this? can you take it back?
4) Depression - i've failed. i screwed up. its never going to be ok. its no good.
5) Acceptance - its ok. bad things just happen.

What is the measure of acceptance? Is it when the cause & effects of the pain are diluted by time, only to exist as a memory? Is it when one can go on with their usual routine and do other things, so-called 'moving on'?

Many would disagree with me, but my answer is NO. All that is just a clever compartmentalisation and the real issue of ACCEPTANCE has yet to be dealt with. Having gone through stages 1-4 then simply saying 'bad things just happen'...to me is another form of denial. Why? because the magnitude of your pain has been diminished into an afterthought. It is not being given its true credit and acknowledgement, and you would not have learnt anything from it. In the future, should you be so unlucky to find yourself in the same predicament, or become face to face with something so familiar that it triggers all those emotions again...the cycle of bereavement continues and you'd feel even worse, victimised by things beyond your control.

Acceptance, is the most bitter pill of all. During my recovery from depression, i've gone over facts and replayed situations in my head so many times (we've all done that before) thus pulling myself apart then forcing myself to snap back to focus on daily tasks. One day it dawned on me : I realized, i cannot fault someone for living their life; no matter how much it pains me to no longer be a part of it. It doesn't matter whether i was rejected or unfairly treated or left behind. It doesn't matter what they say, regardless how it contradicts your own memories and feelings...that is their story. This is the reality of the saying 'two sides of the same coin'. I had to trust my instincts, my own inner voice, because that is my gift.

Does it matter, if i still shed tears walking down memory lane? Not anymore. These are tears of love, of forgiveness, and of personal growth. The tears are an acknowledgement of what has happened, and no longer of grief. This is what it means to let go. This, is acceptance.

A Voice Within

Whenever I lay down to sleep at night, I find my mind wandering. Reflecting on the day's events, a trip to the past, pondering on future undertakings. Then i start talking to myself and question everything. My mistake of the past few years was believing that my brain was the superior inner voice and thus i had to oblige, despite of difficulty, uneasiness, and challenges. Undoubtedly this has pushed me to to succeed, with ability to see the rationale of things, made me decide to do things i would normally delay or shy away from...all because i can weigh the pros and cons, see the obvious shortcomings of the situations to stay away from or take risks that seem unnecessary.

But when you lay in the quiet stillness of the night and talk to yourself, there are always two voices : one asking the questions, and the other giving the answers. There is always one voice that drills into you 'the realities of life', of responsibilities and obligations; and the other voice that soothes and tells you that things are manageable, 1 step at a time. The first voice is one that comes from the brain, 'the voice of reason' so to speak. And the other, comes from your soul and this is 'the voice within'.

This inner voice, I belive, comes from a place of calmness, kindness and compassion. It is a presence, that you can feel around some people whenever you speak to them and suddenly feel safe, like everything will be alright. You just feel like opening up, telling them everything that has happened in your life, even though you're newly acquainted. Everyone possesses this quality, but very few channel it to shine through. The demands of everyday life has subconsciously programmed people to exist at a 'functional' level. Social contacts are many yet shallow, with very few going beyond the daily hellos and occasional coffee...be it family, friends or colleagues.

I believe this inner voice is a blend of our conscience, spirituality and intuition. Listen to it. It speaks of your deepest desires and needs. It is the truest form of expression, it speaks of your inner hopes and enlightens our quiet desperations. It is not easy to hear this voice, with the mess of everyday demands or deadlines getting in the way. Perhaps, this is the reason any spiritual leaders advocate meditation. In the past, all the gurus, philosophers, prophets, artists, writers, scholars...all whom we draw inspiration from, they all meditate...eventually they hit a stroke of brialliance, an epiphany, a breakthrough. And it is at this moment, I believe, that the inner voice comes from God. Even Nabi Muhammad received the words of God being by himself, meditating in the cave. It is a voice of warmth, and of love.

Do not push aside this inner voice. On many occasions, i believe it has helped me resolved many subconscious entanglements that i just couldnt see. It helped me see my mother's unending lonliness, my friend's unspoken pain, a friend's unadressed guilt, my sister's mounting tensions, my own forgotten dreams. Long before this epiphany, i've known that i've always done my best to remain open and sincere, searching for this deeper understanding with the people i meet. It truly is a gift to be able to share warmth with those around you. Listen to the voice and let it out, by word or action, or even presence. Its truth need not be spoken but to be sensed. And just as its presence, its withdrawal can be felt too.

I am glad to be able to jot this down, as many more of my philosophical journeys have been lost due to the lack of writing material or internet connection. Well, this lesson that i learnt about listening to my inner voice is one i do not wish to let go. The voice of reason shall play a lesser role for no human is made entirely of intellect and logic.

So there is, one of my new philosophies. I hope it makes sense to you reading it. Take care.

Faith

Hello blog.
Its been a while. It is now the end of August. It is also Ramadhan. I took a long break from studies and my classes should start soon. Was it really Depression? Till today, i still haven't got it quite figured out. Is it just a scapegoat for me to blame my troubles? I really don't know. Did my 6-month break change anything? No. Regardless, it was what i needed and i cherished every minute of it.

I am on a strange journey to find myself again. I believe the past holds the key to the future, so i started to do things i haven't done in a long time : painting, exercise, gardening, reconnecting with friends from way back when. Reminded me of how i used to feel being around people : cheerful, confident, funny, in-control. I miss it, being the 'it' girl. The popular kid everyone knows and envies...and trashes on online message boards. It is sad to think that I was the girl who peaked in high school...both SGGS and MRSM. Thereafter, i felt my presence was redundant other than being in the company of my good friends. I could not see beyond what I had lacked; what qualities i 'needed' to be deemed successful in that stage.

Anyway. Juvenile matters aside, I guess in this young adult life i'm pretty much withdrawing into 'the simple life'. During my long break, I felt there's nothing that I look forward to than being home; cooking, cleaning, planting flowers and being with my pets. I want to have the time to myself, be it to go to the gym, or do groceries, get a massage, or just walk around in the mall. Of course this experience would have been much more enjoyable if there was no nagging or poking involved. It is this calm and peace of not having to think of anything or anyone, just to live everyday taking responsibility only for myself...it is somehow liberating. By no means do I wish to shun from society, but in this slower pace I finally had no guilt to express myself. To just stay in bed and cry till my soul had nothing more to give. To take credit on the small things like being able to clean my room or make someone happy for the day.

Within all this little joys, I realized that i view my entire journey in Medicine to be a failure...but it is not! It really isn't, if i listen to the protests from my friends and colleagues, and mum and dad...basically everyone else. I can't see the fact that I am actually doing OK. Not fantastic, but OK. I still have to convince myself. But i realized my skewed perception...that's a start, right?

Something happened last week. Emotionally I was distraught and had been crying for at least 3 days. I called a helpline, and cried some more. Went to see my dad and talk about my studies, then cried some more. A weird feeling came to me : I just wanted to pray, and i did. I cried a mixture of tears...grief, bitterness, anger, confusion, desperation...crying out my prayers, why i just dont understand how things could happen, turning out the way they do no matter how sincere you are and how much you give.... By the end of it, I was sobbing uncontrollably and had to call a friend. I woke up the next day feeling incredibly drained and tired, then it happened : God answered my prayers! He gave me a small piece of this puzzle, to help me with my journey to heal. I'll be honest and say I'm not religious and I don't pray much. But this incident caught me off guard, and i cried some more...bewildered, thankful, and moved because He listened. I won't go so far to say my faith in God and religion is restored or that i am repentant, but I definitely have a lot to think about. I am grateful that it happened to me.

Faith. Faith in oneself, faith in people, faith in a higher power, faith in happy endings. Different people put different emphasis on each one. For me, as long as you don't lose all of them, you can still make it somehow.
Maybe this post is a lil haphazard. But i just had to say something. Come what may. One day this nightmare will end for me. I have faith in that.

It's all about Giving; and Giving It Up

Greetings. Hello. Shalom. Assalamualaikum. Vannakam.
Welcome to my new location. New year, new blog? Coincidence. Sort of.
Spamming at Friendster drove me away.

But since it IS 2009, I was adamant to make my first blog post in January. Even if it is END of January. There are no resolutions. Not really. Like it says in the topic, its about Giving It Up. Yeap. I've decided to give up two things : Snickers and Nutella. They've been a staple of mine since i was a little girl. Since i'm hardly little and no longer a girl (technically I'm supposed to be a woman now) I might as well say bye bye. As with everything else, they seem bland. Pointless even.


I can't seem to write as well nowadays. It's as if i've got something deliberately putting up writer's blocks the minute i sit in front of a computer. We'll see how it goes. That's all for now.