Anthology of Thoughts Part 2 : Confession Monologues

45 days to go...

2012-02-04T12:54:00.002+08:00

Its February 2012.

I have 45 days to go to my final exams.

Will I be able to sit for it this time?

Will I pass on my first attempt?

Am I prepared?

Big questions. Monumental consequences.

Alas, once again i find myself distracted. It is 2012 and i turn 26 this year. The clock is ticking...y'all know what i mean.

Me exams and results should be done by early April...results and all. Impatiently, i have my April planned. Travels to Sabah to meet friends and hands-on with K.I.D.S...Finally getting my scuba licence in Tioman. Heck I'll go by myself if i got noone to come with.

I have a whole life in front of me, standing deliciously close.

So close i don't see what's in front of me : assignments, mugging hours,classes. urgh

So here's to me finding my focus and motivation for my final MBBS.

Cheers.

Leaving On a Jet Plane

2011-10-15T07:46:00.002+08:00

At last, my long awaited trip to Korea is finally here. I shall board my plane in exactly 7 hours. I am both nervous and excited.

Back in July (i think) when we had our OMHS program, my group had to do some research on the Role of Health Officers in the Import and Export of Food Products. That was out main topic. From there we branched out; we drafted a separate research paper on palm oil, Malaysia's biggest export. Our supervisor disagreed, saying it is not enough for our main report. So instead of scraping the idea, we wrote a separate abstract(summary) and submitted it to the APACPH Committee. We settled our main report, presented it, and left it there. Fast forward a dew weeks and behold: your abstract has been accepted for the 43rd APACPH Conference in Seoul, South Korea.

Ooh, the excitement that came over our group was feverish. Over the next few days, word got out and it was all any of us could talk about. Our mismatched group of 4 : myself, Loo Kar Yee, Nur 'Afeena Al-Fahmi and Mukhlis Ahmad Azam became the envy of other group members. Hahaha....I was almost immediately worried : crap, we only have an abstract, what on earth are we going to present????

Well, we got to work on sponsorship. First, from the university : UM agreed to sponsor our conference fees, USD250 per person. So we bought our flight tickets by individual means, registered and RSVP-d our attendance for the conference. Next we tried the Clinical Research Committee for sponsorship....no avail. Then I emailed the Korean Embassy and received no reply. Afeena contacted the Malaysian Palm Oil Board who declined to provide sponsorship. As much as our Korea trip was starting to become a reality, the picture seemed rather bleak.

Until, Hari Raya came along...I was telling my mother our progress and our sponsorship predicament when she uttered the magic words : I'd rather pay for your trip and let you all focus on your studies and presentation rather than let you waste time focusing on the nitty-gritty stuff. And with that, we had RM 5000 in bank! I could almost feel the energy revive within my group.

Kar yee : this is not a dream is it?

Afeena : you mom is so generous!! how are we gonna thank her?

Mukhlis : Dima i love your mom...muahks aunty, muahks!

And with that, i immediately started researching and planning out 10-day trip. Drafted out the itinerary, discussed with my groupmates and estimated the costs. Then came the icing on the cake : my grandmother was willing to give us RM2000. And with that, ALL our expenses are taken care of : flight tickets to Jeju island, accommodations for Jeju and the conference, subway passes, as well as all the entry fees for our sightseeing.

Once all of that was settled came the work : our poster. We sat and discussed, but not much research was available online. Time was of the essence : we were in different postings and it was difficult to find time to visit and meet people. The 3 of them went to the Malaysian Palm Oil Board library and did the research; then Karyee and I read through the papers, I drafted the bulk of the report while Afeena and Kar Yee filled the gaps and did the nitty-gritty. When I was done, Kar Yee and Mukhlis summarised it and designed the poster, Afeena checked with our supervisor and settled the printing. Whew! All in the span of 4 weeks. Yet we still found time to go shopping for shoes & gloves.

Korea is finally a reality. And in just a few hours, we will regroup at the LCCT. My neurotic side is already kicking in : did i pack enough stuff? Is it the correct clothes? Will we be able to stick t our plan? Do i have enough stamina for all this? Is my cash & passport safe? What else do i need?

so that's the story of how this trip came to be. Leaving On a Jet Plane...the song has been stuck in my head since last night. Oh well, i better go check my packing one last time. Goodbye, Malaysia! I'll see you in 10 days.

Recap!!!

2011-08-07T09:04:00.003+08:00

Three months without a single entry...partly due to a busy schedule and the other part no-thanks to a malfunctioning laptop! There's a quote i read somewhere in my grandma's house of treasures: To err, is human; to really foul things up requires a computer. Ha!

So here i am, home sweet home in Penang....but i'll be heading back to KL in less than 12 hours... Thought i'd do some writing. Here goes :

1) Laser Tag

It was SOOOOOOO much fun!!! More fun than i expected. Do not believe the Hollywood its-only-for-geeks stigma. I was skeptical coz i thought i'd be winded before the end of the first round...haha! Thankfully i had my friend Avni who literally forced me to come along. She said a group of us were going, so here i thought only 5-6 of us....turns out the 5-6 of us were joining her church group, making us a massive crowd of 22 pax. Wohoo!! Nevermind the fact i dont know anyone (well..maybe i knew 3 ppl), it was pure 100% unadulterated good clean sweaty fun. 5 rounds, 10 minutes each and we get to wear these cool vests that light up with our team colour, guns that shoot out green laser beams (& tells us who shot us!!) and run around a dark obstacle-filled battlezone. Hiding behind barricades, sniping, running guerrila-style, attack, defense...we did it all. It was great we came prepared wearing all-black & sports shoes.

2) Ali Baba

This has got to be my favourite night spot, hands down! Beats my previous night spot in Jalan Damai before DBKL tore it down. Alibaba is an open-air Iranian restaurant, populated 80-90% by middle-eastern/Iranian customers. On weekend nights they have a live band playing Iranian pop songs and and open dance floor. Free for all! The ambience is beautiful, and my girl friends and i go there around once a month just to chat, have some food and smoke sheesha....get a lil buzz goin and then, right before leaving we join the dance floor!! Who'd have thought i'd be dancing in public (and on high-heels too!). Even the waiters there have recognized me...which isn't difficult to do considering only the Iranians populating the dance floor. Not difficult to see a Malaysian girl in tudung among the fair crowd. Hehehe....all in the name of good fun. Fr some reason i can justify dancing in Alibaba the way i do dancing at private parties as opposed to clubbing...coz it really is just dancing : no drunkenness, no groping...just pure fun

3) OMHS-Korea

I don't wanna say much about OMHS coz frankly i'm already sick of it. It was a public health posting, and my group was sent to KLang District to study the role of health officers in the importation & exportation of food products, among other things. Well, the 4 of us (KarYee, Afeena, Mukhlis & myself) sent in an abstract regarding the safety of malaysian palm oil and it got accepted for a poster presentation in the APACPH (Asia-Pacific Public Health) Conference in Seoul, Korea! They're all very excited and I'm like, what the hell are we gonna present? The department will only sponsor 1 person...which we consider unfair coz it was truly a team effort so they are working on sponsorship from elsewhere. God, i just hope everything goes according.

4) Ramadhan & Laa Tahzan

This year for some reason I'm excited for Ramadhan...now is already the 7th day. I guess it is just the perfect timing for new beginnings. I also bought the book Laa Tahzan which means Don't Be Sad...it has been recommended to me by several people and since its ramadhan i think they're having a promotion on religious books so i keep seeing it everywhere. I took it as a sign to read it. Not to mention the fact that I gotta get my drive and focus back after a potential love interest gone astray...all in all, a good time for a dose of self-motivation. I'm only 50 pages into it, and so far so good!

I think that is it. Hopefully things will be looking up for me from now on. I've reconnected with friends, made some new ones, taken some steps to help myself...so i believe i have the right tools in hand to make it through this darn stretch of MBBS.

Just gotta remember to stay POSiTiVE!

Thanks for reading. Till next time, ciao.

Do I Forgive You?

2011-05-26T15:00:00.002+08:00

Everyone screws up. That's life they say. It's about how you get out of that mess, overcome that obstacle that makes you a better person.

I skip classes. A LOT. Its my biggest practical non-personal/emotional problem these recent years. After all it did cost me a year of medical school.

There are many reasons behind them. Sometimes its my depression : i just cant get our of bed, probably haven't eaten anything substantial in days yet i'd rather be alone in my room than risk seeing another human being. not attending class is both cause & effect of my milder episodes of low mood. Its a vicious cycle i am trying so very hard to break.

The way I see it there are three ways i destroy myself when it comes to my school.

1)deliberately missing class i.e. premeditatedly choosing not to go

2)accidentally missing class i.e. those days i completely get schedules mixed up or murder the alarm clock

3)the self sabotage i.e i have no idea why i missed that class despite being capable & wanting to attend

Scenario 3 is most common. I have no idea why. Sometimes i am already academically and/or physically prepared to go, but just didnt take the first step out of my door. Sometimes i am completely unprepared despite knowing it is my turn to present or to shine and just skip the class. Or i go and then feel horrible and project a negative outlook on the rest of the days. Sometimes i have all the time & interest in the world but something holds me back and i procrastinate until it is impossible to do a decent assignment.

Do you see the pattern of self-sabotage? I am setting myself up for failure and I dont know why!!! This train is on autopilot and i've almost exhausted my faculties trying to change it.

I have no idea the reasons behind my hesitations and reservations. I can only do guesswork and take in outsider input. They slap the label LAZY, some will suggest an underlying fear, some say i'm in the wrong field which is why it seems so difficult to do the simplest things like get-up-and-go in the mornings. Me? i think its the prediction i made many years ago when applying into medical school : i said to my father; i'm not worried about the academics, it is the practical side i'm scared of coz i'm never been good with practical stuff.

so you see...now being in clinical years, the final years...it is all about proving yourself in the shoes of the doctor and it terrifies me. No matter how many classmates & friends reassure me that i am doing well and that i have great confidence, I just cant shake it. I am paralysed at the mere thought of potentially doing something wrong and embarassing myself. Yet i know i have to get over this....else i'd never move on.

See how i dissect myself? No wonder I barely have energy for anything else. But if I dont scrutinize myself noone will help me find my answers. Who gives a fuck if outsiders like a certain awang doesnt understand.

So. can i forgive myself for missing classes?

Quarter of a Century

2011-05-17T11:42:00.002+08:00

Today, 2 days after my birthday and i am still enjoying the spoils : had carrot cake with the yummu cream cheese frosting (courtesy of my ex-roomate, Syu) and a nice cup of Nescafe for my breakfats...bliss

I had so much fun over my birthday weekend that i just had to write about it. I think I can honestly say that i've never been so child-like excited over my birthday in years...you can almost see that conical birthday hat on my head. I'm happy and i love it.

May 15th 2011, i turned 25...exactly 25 years ago my mum, aged 25 gave birth to me.

I'd say my birthday festivities started the day before, on saturday. A friend of mine asked to go ice-skating...i haven't done so in at least 5 years; i want sure i'd even remember how to do it!! I've been putting off going skating with friends on account of conflicting schedules & my mood lows...so i immediately said yes. afterall its more friend going with someone than by yourself, right?

And yeah, i was shaking as hell!! a stark contrast to the carefree gliding i did 5 years back. I believe its my restless unconscious afriad of losing control & embarassment at work. Took me a while to get into the flow of things. Hehehe. The experience was fun, and therapeutic. You see, the last time i went skating was with someone really personal to me...and mind you she was a definite rookie, and i was guiding her through it. So, i has always wanted to come back...the same way i wanna go back to Genting....just to have one last hold on memories and say goodbye.

Of course, my new friend had no idea of this and we just chat and had fun....and had a massive sushi dinner afterwards. I was so stuffed, felt like a curry puff. I had fun. Then i sent him off, and got myself ready for the K.I.D.S Malaysia meeting that night.... The meeting ran till almost 1am. Needless to say, I slept like a log which in itself, was fun!

The next morning, my birthday. I spent the entire day checking on Facebook, responding to all the birthday wishes. I guess its the modern-day substitute to an old fashioned Birthday Card. I responded to the wished individually (all 80+ of them!!), just because I was so excited and wanted to show my appreciation to my friends. I felt so loved. Virtually.

Later that evening i went over to dad's and all of us (with my stepmum's family) went for a steamboat dinner. Very appropriate to the rainy weather outside. We went back home, and had a mini-celebration with something cake-like : Mercedes de Brasso...something they brought from the Phillippines. On the outside its marshmallowey. with a creamy caramel custard centre. So that was my 'birthday cake'. After that, karaoke! It was fun, albeit low-key...suitable with the older age group. Haha. I had the higherst solo score for the night!!! what song was it? I think it was Richard Marx, Right Here Waiting...wohoo!

Monday, i was oncall at the Psychiatric clinic. Ultimately no patients for me to clerk. That afternoon, Syu gave me a real slice of cake : the carrot cake. Too bad i had to cut short my time with her as i had a Dr's appointment. Hey, even the appointment was fun. Later i went to LCCT, met Sufia & Hazirah (among my favourite people on this earth)...I'm so thankful i still have them; we're all 25, and have been friends for more than 18 years. Gossips & bombshells were dropped, and we had to part ways.

I made dinner plans with MJ in Shah Alam. Saw my lovely cutie-pie cousins Irfan & Alya. As if they know it was my birthday, they were exceptionally friendly to me. And you know what, when my paksu came home, they had a surprise birthday celebration with me. Dim lights, a beautiful brownie with lit candles from the kitchen to a completely surprised & unsuspecting me. Of course the kids blew the candles with me, sang & clapped their hands along.

I am just so happy. I wish this feeling will last. I'm just gonna ride the wave till it fades.

And so... HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY, DIMA MARLINA.
Wishing you all the love and happiness this world can bring; and may you have love & success in your life ahead.

The Gameplan

2011-05-08T10:03:00.005+08:00

We're scheduled to have our K.I.D.S meeting sometime next week. I'm raher excited. Things have been quite on-air since the the last meeting, and everyone else busy with work. I'm the only student in the management team, but hey, nothing wrong in that.

As i mentioned before, my official title is as Vice-President. But i am also the head of operations, healtchare programme coordinator and the acting nutrition programme coordinator (she is currently super-swamped with her job as an on-site geologist). Its ok, since i spend a lot of my time thinking about K.I.D.S anyway, trying to come up with ideas and looking for loose ends to tie up & patch up.

I've had a lot of headache with the healthcare programme. However, things cleared up u bit with Albi's help : she voluntarity stepped in to temporarily handle the healthcare branch. Eventually, i managed to draft up the plans & also managed to contact MEDSTAS UMS (medical students from Universiti Malaysia Sabah). The idea is so they could help organize annual health check for these kids. They seem interested, but further discussions & red-tape stuff will be needed. Aside from that, i've managed to consult my friend who works at UNHCR regarding suitable public health programs. I'm thankful she's willing to help me out as a favor....no red tape! I owe her lots.

Progress seems slow, doens't it? Not really our fault. You see, there's really not much we can do on the surface until the organization is fully, officially registered. All necessary documents were submitted to the department in question over a week ago. Unfortunately, things are taking longer than they should. What can i say, we are all humans after all.

Next, the progress on nutrition. I've split it into nutrition & sanitation, and i've drafted out the implementation strategies. It seems volunteers for the nutrition will have a lot of 'factory work' to do, as in assembling the food packages & ensuring it gets to the destination & intended recepients. We may also wanna help out with comfort items like toothbrushes, clothes and sleeping bags, but all those are secondary to the food & hygiene program.

Now as VP, i'm compiling the modules from each of our departments/bureaus for our main organization's formal proposal; a standard version to approach third parties for sponsorship & collaboration. Sounds like a lot of work, but it shouldn't be so long as everyone pulls in their weight. Judging from the level of commitment the team has had from Day 1, i forsee minimal speed bumps. Fingers crossed!

Thats all i can say for now, coz everything else is beyond my jurisdiction and i dont wanna be stepping on anyone's toes on this. Once again, this is after all my own personal blog. Till next time, toodles!

K.i.d.s

2011-05-01T10:53:00.004+08:00

It started with an invitation to come support Mazuin during the taping of Sejuta Impian. Its a new reality show on TV3 where contestants present their idea and the judges decide whether or not to give you money to realize your dream. Here's the catch : the project has to be beneficial to the community; so nothing purely business. The show should be on air starting May 15th, every Sunday at 7.30pm.

Needless to say, Mazuin got the money she asked for.

Anyway. When i first read about Mazuin's project, i was intrigued. It was reminiscent of something i had in mind long ago, Teachers Without Borders. I asked her details about her project and if there was any way i could help. She emailed her proposal, i gave my ideas and on the day of recording i ended up becoming something like her Manager & Team Captain for her 20 or so supporters.

So when it came time to set up her organization, K.i.d.s, naturally i wanted to be a part of it. Lo and behold, she decided to name me Vice President & Chief of Operations. Yeah!

Let me tell you a bit about K.i.d.s. Its a non-profit organization set up to help the street children of Malaysia, starting in Sabah. Why sabah? Because Sabah has the largest population of street children, and majority of them are from the Bajau Laut clan in Tawau and Semporna. We aim to bring education to them via Street School for Street Children, provide basic healthcare via Clinic on Wheels and basic nutrition supply and hygiene counselling via Nutrition & Living On-the-Go. That is the plan for now. K.i.d.s is already registered, but still waiting for the final verdict from the department. For now, we only have a facebook page. Check it out at http://www.facebook.com/WeLoveK.I.D.S

That's gonna be the main site. They say they'll start a twitter account once operations have begun (hopefully in June), and there may be a blog too. I sure hope so, coz then i get to jot down my experiences in the official blog as well. For now, there's nothing much we can do until we are really, really official....let's hope sooner rather than later.

To be honest, i have a sinking feeling that my days in the organization are numbered... I still believe in the cause very strongly. I just feel i dont have much to contribute as vice-president. I'll just leave it at that. But as they say, its all part of the job.

So, that is what's currently going on with me right now. I am definitely feeling more alive since becoming a part of the project. I'll write more once I have something. So take care; till next time, Goodbye!

The Toolbox Way of Life

2011-04-12T19:35:00.005+08:00

I mentally wrote this when I was extremely annoyed during a traffic jam. http://www.facebook.com/note.php?saved&&note_id=10150155369043075

The Toolbox Way of Life

I nailed my tests,

but screwed mu homework.

My pointless existence an eternal drill;

it makes me sick,

it drives me nuts,

I need to bolt...

Two bolts please!!!

I nailed my girl,

and screwed her boyfriend.

Gave one a jack

and the other I hammered with my finger.

No additional grease;

Just pure, unadulterated sleaze!

See me throw a ranch into the works?

Feel the loathing & see the hatred.

You want me to nail it.

and I yell SCREW IT!!!

and I don't need no Screwdriver to do it.

Frou Frou

2011-04-07T12:04:00.004+08:00

I was in Penang for the past week & a half, working for my mom. I was helping her with her clinic. I was a mash of Personal Assistant, Clinic Nurse, Houseman, Clinical Auditor and Professional organizer and man, was I busy. I enjoyed it, mainly because i could do it and i thought it interesting. The best part of being in Penang, as my mum's daughter cum work partner was the treats : massages, a pedicure, a facial, facial products & aromatherapy essential oil. Wow. I could never afford all that by myself; especially not all in one week!

Pedicures

My first and favourite pedicure is at Sally Hansen, Gurney Plaza. With products like Sally Hansen, you can't go wrong. They are like the L'oreal of nailcare. Not to mention their prices are fair and the treatment is worth it, unlike some other places i've been. My toesies look so clean afterwards! After my first time, i actually stood there with my friend right in frony of the shop and admired our feet. Down side? they only have brances in Penang....aint that weird? I'd thought a branded label will have a HQ in KL.

Facial

It was my first facial with Dermalogica or Aster Apring (formerly known as Leonard Drake....don't know why they changed the name). The facial was fine; not that i really knew what to expect...i've has spa facials before and it feels similar. Later they promote their products and mum got me a basic set : cleanser, toner, moisturiser,mask. I admit, i was a bit skeptical. I'm the type who believes that sometimes branded things are just overpriced & 'buying the brand' when drugstore products can do the same job just fine. But since mum bought them for me anyway regardless of what i have to say, of course i had to use it...they're expensive!!!

Lo and behold, slowly i was falling in love with the smoothness & mildness of the cleanser....really living up to its name, Ultra-calming Cleanser. I'm not much a toner fan, so i'll just say it's fine....it's spray on and dries rather quick, which is a good thing. The moisturiser's pretty good, finally one i can use during the day without turning into a frying pan by midday. Havne't tried the mask, but i know i like the facial scrub they used on me during the facial...might ask mum to get it for me if there is a next time. Like i said, i can never afford all this by myself.

Aromatherapy

Yeah, you may say you can get cheap oils anywhere but there is this shop in Guyrney Plaza that seels pure essential oils, including the more exotic ones like frankinescence, juniper, geranium, saldalwood (you get the idea). Each oil has a different price. Sometimes even the same scent has different prices because of where it came from. So i believe this shop is legit. I've bought peppermint & lemongrass fron this shop, but this time i bought a pre-mixed concoction called Anxiety. Smells divine, but i havent tried it on my burner though. Shouldn't be that much of diff. The key to starting a collection of essential oils is this : get 1 that relaxes you (me=lavender or bergamot), 1 citrus smell to perk you up (i had grapefruit, but it was too mild...i think i'll go for lemon or lime), 1 fresh scent (like peppermint or tea tree) which is fantastic after you've done cleaning your room, and if u need it, get 1 for 'mood' setting, something musky like rose or sandalwood for that warm feeling. Most pre-mixed oils cater around these functions anyway, and they tend to be more expensive. Some common scents you can get the cheaper version elsewhere, so plan your spending!

Massage

massages are a guilty pleasure of mine. i prefer massages that are 'merciless' that aim to loosen tight spots but hurt like hell wheres my mum prefers the light and relaxing kind. so i may find one masseuse to be great n my mum will find her rough. but one thing we bothe agree on is that if u wanna go for a foot reflexology massage, look for a chinese shop especially the ones with workers from China. they really know their stuff. i think for massage alone i have to do a whole separate entry, when and if i'm up for it.

So that's it. My luxurious yet incredibly busy week in Penang. Looking forward for more satisfying experiences as such. Bye-bye!

Corny Poetry

2011-04-05T04:12:00.006+08:00

Poetry is mental masturbation. An epiphany is the orgasm. Some of em's pure shit. I know nothing about poetry. I use it as an exercise for vocabulary & word play...so they tend to have more lyricism than literary value. So here's one of them. Welcome to my world of corny poetry.

Darling Broken Valentine

I had an epiphany.

One day you'd come to me-

finally undestanding,

apologizing.

I held you to my heart, where i've kept you those years apart;

where you belong.

My dear, honey once-mine,

My darling broken Valentine.

In tears and silence all was spoken.

My reservations,

melted in muted conversation.

Darling don't let me be the one-

that person you only come to when you have no one.

My dear, honey once-mine,

My darling broken Valentine.

I beg you for more than bittersweet decline,

I long our shared divine.

Seeing your hands; I've missed your palms.

You embrace me; I've missed your arms.

Years have gone; and older we've become.

Lets not run away this time.

My dear, honey once-mine, My lovely broken Valentine.

Hear my weepy song; see this life in mime

Lost in regrets , sorrow and time.

On My Own

2011-03-21T23:49:00.006+08:00

I don't usually post up lyrics in my blog, but i guess there's a 1st for everything. For some unknown readon I've been feeling especially lonely since this afternoon and I still haven't been able to shake away the feeling. Longing, pathetic, needy, and most of all, vulnerable...a stark contrast to the person who went shopping for heavy duty wood glue & searching for a kickass red lipstick just hours earlier.
So here's the song, On My Own from the musical Les Miserables, this version sung by Lea Salonga...just so u know, i've never even seen it. I learned of the song during my musical theatre workshop a few years back.

On My Own - sung by Lea Salonga

And now I'm all alone again;

nowhere to go, noone to turn to

I did not want your money so I only did as I was told to

But now the night is near;

and I can make believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping

I think of him and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping

The city goes to bed

and I can live inside my head

On my own,

pretending he's beside me

All alone, I walk with him till morning

Without him, I feel his arms around me

and when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain

The pavement shines like silver

All the lights are misty in the river

In the darkness the trees are full of starlight

and all I see is him and me,

forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind

that I'm talking to myself and not to him

and although I know that he is blind,

Still I say there's a way for us

I love him

but when the night is over

He is gone; the river's just a river

Without him, the world around me changes

The trees are bare and everywhere the streets

are full of strangers

I love him

but everyday I'm learning

all my life...I've only been pretending

Without me, his world would go on turning

a world that's full of happiness that I have never known!

I love him,

but only on my own

And that is exactly how i feel tonight.

My go at MuayFit

2011-03-19T06:13:00.003+08:00

After much pondering i realized my heart was already set on joining muay thai. So i arranged for a visit & scheduled a free trial session for a later date. By this time, i had 3 other friends pretty eager to join as well and we're hoping for a group discount or something. Here's their website http://www.muayfit.com. Thanks Jane, for helping me out.

The visit. Well the gym was empty at that time. It was clean, with mirrored walls & colourful floormats. The practise mitts were provided & they look to be in good condition, almost new. Then Jane took me upstairs to see the personal training section and oh my GOD it's beautiful. There was a boxing ring, a weights machine, about 8 punching bags (what pros call heavy packs) and several speedballs (those smaller, bouncy punching bags) with more practise mitts & bodypacks. The gym also sells equipment like gloves & hand wraps.

I decided to go for a free trial, the Muay Thai Beginner's Class on Friday 18th. Thankfully my friend Ramiza managed to join me. The other 2 were indisposed due to the short notice. I came early and saw the ongoing Intermediate class. They should rename it to Intimidating! Reminiscent of my times in Karate 10 years ago, going to the Batu Lanchang Dojo for additional practise; it reminded me of how it looked like when the brown & black belts were training, especially with that fierce Shihan Lim at the reigns. So yeah, intimidating with a tinge of aspirational envy & awe. So then I knew i was in the right place.

I had my reservations though : Karate was 10 years ago (and 10 kilos ago!). My stamina, my physique, everything is out of shape. Furthermore when i learnt Karate, all my instructors were women and all the students were girls (duh, it was SGGS). This is Muay Thai, raw & fierce. I am not beyond vulnerability & insecurity. If Mija weren't there, i'd have felt totally awkward, like I did the first few days in STARMAKER Musical Theatre Bootcamp.

Anyway...the Beginners class. The warm-up already was a shadow of what i used to do in Karate. Panting, sweating, cramping! Technique and erminology is different though. Jab, cross, hook, uppercut. Their roundhouse kick is more like the snapkick we had for Kumite. The jab they use was like the high forward punch and high reverse punch, only now done in kumite (sparring) stance. We didn't have uppercuts, but we had a similar block. So yeah, I enjoyed myself, but was a bit awkward adjusting what i had in muscle memory.

The class was only one hour though :(
But it was good thing considering how out of shape I am. I figured maybe in a few months i'd give the intermediate class a go. I'll also try out Freestyle Martial Arts & Krav Maga. At this moment I really don't regret signing up. Once the windedness and the tiredness have passed, I had a good sleep and I'm looking forward for more. But before you say 'go for it!', i gotta let my sore muscles heal first else i might seriously injure them jumping in too vigorous an activity.

So yeah, that's the beautiful highlight of my week : Muay Thai Kickboxing for Beginners.
If any of you reading this find yourselves interested to know more, call Jane at MuayFit Gym or email/text me to find out about their terms. Till next time, KOW POW!

Could This Be It?

2011-03-11T10:27:00.002+08:00

It's no surprise that I've been doind a lot of soul searching the last couple of years, in trying to overcome my depression & all, trying to live a happier life. But so far, nothing i've tried is consistent enough to work all the time to 'pick me up'. It also doesnt help that I get easily bored with things and move on to something new; the motivation itself constantly wavering I'm searching for a formula that WORKS.

I've tried reading about whtever interests me, tried gym, tried karaoke & hanging out with friends (which is great, but its something you have to rely on people for), tried immersing myself in religion & current issues, dreaming or forecasting career prospects....so on and so forth.

Now, i've picked up the guitar. No lessons yet, just a chord book & a guide book and my 20-minute attention span. Even though i suck at it, somhow it provided a release i needed, the way piano used to do for me. I think i've said this in a previous post, about being unable to fool around with the piano made me miss it and I realized playing the piano (and now the guitar) does have a soothing effect on me. I'm contented with it regardless of how badly i play, like the guitar. One thing better with the guitar right now is that i am self-taught, so its more intimate,more organic, relying on my spark to learn & intuition rather than scheduled classes with homework. I'm not playing for anybody but me. However, for music (the guitar) to truly be a self-esteem booster, i gotta be good at it, just kick-ass enough to impress old friends at a barbeque party...something like that

Then just a few days back, by pure chance I spotted this Muay Thai Studio near my house, and i had this insatiable urge to find out more. The more i read online, the more eager I became to join & start immediately. I didn't. I didn't want it to be too impulsive and see it eventually abandoned, but until today I'm still excited about it. I actually emailed them with a few questions i had, and today I have an appointment to come look around. The price seems pretty affordable.

So I've been thinking...why am I so drawn to this, apart from its proximity to my current location? Then it hit me : it is the same as playing with music. Looking back 10 years ago, around Form 2 and Form 3, I was at my peak; I could do anything I wanted, I was at my happiest & most productive period in my life so far. I had great friends, schoolwork was in order and I had much more self-confidence. What was so different back then?

Back then i also had sporting activities. I was very active in my school Karate club; I was only a purple-belt when i had to stop and leave for MRSM. I also played tennis, but that was kinda forced on me like piano. Since MRSM i literally stopped all sporting activities. Maybe there was the occasional run, or tennis, and stints at the gym. I even took a personal trainer last year. I enjoyed myself in the gym, but something didn't quite click. I wasn't eager or excited to go back even though I did enjoy the workout. From time to time i'd find myself wondering if I could go back and finish what i'd started in karate....looking for a place that specifically trains in the Goshin-Ryu style to no avail. I can't possibly go back and join the training in SGGS or the Dojo in Batu Lanchang....it's been 10 years : I'm out of shape, out of touch, and had forgotted my of the syllabus that got me my purple belt. So could this particular juncture with Muay Thai Kickboxing be it : the sporting activity that can give me the release that Karate did years ago.

Perhaps it was wise to analyse my life at my peak...considering that i've been felling like i've passed my expiry date 3 years ago. No wonder I'm depressed. School wasn't going well, good friends are scattered, new ones are few & far between, unable to immerse myself in my love of performing arts and martial arts. Nothing to live for. That was my life. I felt empty, never felt whole and yet I knew the cause isn't my inherent asbece of a love life. That, has been constant even since my 'glory days', and for the most part I really don't mind. It's a completely different subject matter.

So could this be it? Is joining the kickboxing gym be the right thing to do? Will it finally provide me with another piece of the puzzle that'll make me whole? I don't know.
What do you think?

Just Books

2011-03-08T06:05:00.005+08:00

Books I'm Currently Reading :

1. Serial Killer Timelines : Illustrated Accounts of the World's Most Gruesome Murders (Dr. Chris McNab)
I'm not exactly sure how my fascination with serial killers sterted.....or more specifically, my fascination with sexual sadism, sex crimes and psychotic killers. I was probably around 14 years old, watching a show on Discovery channel called Medical Detectives, and sometimes New Dedtectives. This was before the massive explosion of CSI into Astro & mainstream television. It was basically how they solved a string of murders; from the discovery of victime, to police work, forensics, arrest & trial. The i started watching more crime shows like CSI and Law & Order, but my real favourite nowadays is Criminal MInds.

2. Play Guitar in 10 Easy Lessons (Jon Buck)
Many years I go, i had piano lessons. I never did complete it, and neither was I too fond of it. It was just something I couldn't relate to, but after being at it for so long I did learn to enjoy playing music. I didn't quite realize how much until i went to MRSM and my piano lessons stopped for good. One day, a friend and I discovered the piano in the school hall was unlocked and we started playing...and that was when I realize that playing a piano did provide me with some form of release. I had to learn that lesson once again a few weeks ago. As a teen I did fantasize about becoming a drummer or a rock guitarist but this time, I decided to give guitar a go. I needed an artful outlet...and music is more practical than theatre/drama; and the guitar is more portable than the piano or drums. Not to mentioned that i discovered this really cool Grammer guitar in the closet back when I moved into my grandma's house.

3. The Secret (Rhonda Byrne)
I got curious! Plus i think the cover looks really nice. I thought it was rather expensive, until I found a copu in a book sale. I've really just cracked the foreword; now let's just hope I finish it.

Books I Want To Get :

1. The 48 Laws of Power (Robers Greene, Joost Elffers)
Just reading the title itself sounds so powerful. I might just get the concise version thought, I really don't like thick books...which is the ONLY reason why I didnt read Harry Potter books 5-8 and the Twilight series.

2. Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs (Zahi Hawass)
I think i've already mentioned about my fascination with ancient Egypt and a bit on Dr. Zahi Hawass in a previous post about travelling. When i saw this book, i didn't have much cash on me and was amazed at how affordable it wass : again, I found it in a discount book store. This book is also the official National Geographic guide to the exhibits of the Cairo museum...so i guess I doubt there is another book out there more fitting than this to satisfy my academic curiosity as well as prepare me for my eventual tour of Egypt.

3. How to be a Domestic Goddess (Nigella Lawson)
Actually, I'm drawn to a lot of her books but I think this one will be a good start. I just like her style whenever I manage to catch her show on tv. It looks simple & manageable enough, with modifications of course...She was the reason I became less anxious/afraid of the kitchen & learning to cook.

4. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
Just because....my dad read it, reccommended it. He recommended the Da Vinci Code to me and I enjoyed it. This book is real famous, I'm not surprised if it turns out to be a classic in future... Numerous awards, stuff like that. I don't read much to know about authors and must-reads.

5. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Stephen R. Covey)
Never to late to improve yourself....especially when you spend most of the time dreading your day, procrastinating your tasks and living in dreams of a different life. I have to wonder what I am doing wrong, and how to make the best out of it. Before starting Form 3, i did read a motivational book about PMR and i think it did help me at the time...and in that sense, I am long overdue for a motivation seminar of sorts. Let's hope this works!

Books I Have and Should Read/Finish First :

1. Online Killers : Portraits of Murderers, Cannibals and Sex Predators Who Stalked The Web for Thier Victims (Christopher Berry-Dee, Steven Morris)
2. The Last Lecture (Randy Pausch)
3. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
4. Tafsir Al-Quran
5. The Other Malaysia (Dr. Farish Noor)

Things I Wish I Could Read Up on :

1. Spa & Massage
2. World History
3. Psychology
4. Beauty
5. Religion & Religious History
6. Cooking & World Cuisine
7. Crime & Punishment
8. Rock & Roll
9. Geology & Gemstones
10. Self-help & Motivation

Random Musings...

2011-03-03T22:04:00.003+08:00

Why oh Why did DBKL forcefully relocate my favourite spot in KL : the row of Middle-Eastern restaurants & shisha/hookah joints in Jalan Damai?
Sometimes I wish I was a Dato' or Tan Sti something-or-other, just so i can cut through the red tape & settle this bullshit administrative crap. Don't get me wrong, i don't mind taking a number and waiting in line, I just hate the whole "fill this form" then "consult that department" and "send an application & we'll call you in a few days" and they never do.
I've never finished anything I started : piano, karate, tennis, Mandarin class, weight loss, religion, novels....I wonder if it's going to be the same with the guitar?
With all the trouble I have to go though to enable me to sit for my exams in March, maybe it's a sign for me to sit for it in 6 months time...
The medication i'm currently on is really working for me. I haven't felt this able in years!
Should i really get a smartphone, HTC, iphone, some android-y thingy?
My loneliness is the thing i find hardest to admit or do anything about, main reason being I don't believe i'll have any success at it; and multiple failures is a real self-esteem killer...so better not open that haunted closet...there, i've said it
As much as i truly do like helping people, they can't help but take advantage. No such thing as a 'once in a while' occurence. Apparently, i can't seem to say no! If i do, i have to deal with the guilt.
Even though I do like to write, I can't do it to a schedule AND i'm not good enough to make a living out of it
Sometimes I wish i had all the time in the world to read all the books I wanna read...or maybe i should pick-up speedreading.....anyone know how?
Whenever i daydream, I am 5 foot 6, slim, with thicker hair
I think currently my vice is Coke, coffee & choc chip cookies

If I could Travel...

2011-02-25T10:20:00.004+08:00

Watching Asian Food Channel or TLC or Discovery Travel makes me wonder about the world...Me being somewhat trapped in my dwellings & the mind-numbing routine and suffocating expectations of 'becoming somebody'....I cant help but think about what i'm missing out there. Thanks to the wonders of television, i'm trying to narrow the list of places that one day i may visit. If i ever have the time & money to travel, i wanna go to :

1. Egypt
Well, unfortunately that'll have to wait with all the riots & protests and all... Egypt is a country i've been wanting to go for a long time, but somehow i've never felt ready for it. I've had a long time fascination with ancient egypt from watching excavations & stories from the Discovery channel or NatGeo...at one time i wanted to be able to read hieroglyphics. I wanted my tour of Egypt (Cairo, Giza, Alexandria) to be an educational trip; I hoped i'd be able to meet Dr. Zahi Hawass so i could ask questions and hear his stories first-hand. After all he is the go-to guy for all things ancient Egypt. He discovered the mummy of Hatchepsut, looking for the high priest Imhotep, & he is also the curator of the Cairo Museum.

2. Syria
This is thanks to a show i watched with Bobby Chin in it. He went to Aleppo, the food capital of Syria. It being a Muslim country, i reckon halal food would be everywhere and it would be great to have a culinary adventure. And besides, i love lamb and have never quite tried middle eastern food before. In Syria, they usle a lot of pommegranate in their food. Doesnt that just sound exquisite? Then there is this world-famous traditional ice-cream shop that is a must-go destination...i ain't saying no! Then there is the ancient city of Damascus, or better known as Damsyik in my old Pendidikan Islam textbooks. This is the soul of ancient Syria, and i'd love to just be able to stand in the courtyard of one of the old mud-brick buildings, surrounded by the desert landscape and just take it all in. Definitely a change of scene.

3. Morocco
Before i 'discovered' Syria, i wanted to go to Morocco, coz it's the crossing between middle-eastern and african culture/civilization. I wanted to experience it for similar reasons as Syria, but also for Marrakesh, a huge open-air bazaar that looks absolutely amazing. Food, fresh spices, decor, trinkets...i kinda imagined that i'd have an area in my house decorated Morrocan-style, with a harem feeling to it...you know, large cushions, a hookah pipe, lanterns, strings of beads & drapes, inscence....but i'd have to go to Morocco to get stuff so it'll be more authentic.

5. South Africa
This is a no brainer : Safari. I like animals, but not so much to say i'm passionate. If i'm lucky, i wanna go see penguins & whales. When i was a kid my dad went to South Africa for business and bought my sis & i this small carpet that we can colour using magic marker. Mine was the picture of a bird that looked like a hornbill. I had so much fun doing it, and because i've never had anything like that before, I became fascinated with South Africa. Also it's to avoid cliche' : many people say they wanna travel the world but most only talk about going across Europe. I wanna spread out a bit, and if you'll see later, that's why I don't have that many Asian destinations....I want a different culture/experience entirely.

6.Italy
Although i like the sort of Italian food i get in Malaysia, i doubt i'd be able to eat my way through Italy because of the scarcity of halal meat & the abundance of wine in their food. I can't say for sure, but who knows if one day i'll break down that barrier just to savour the cultural experience....only for food though! In Italy, of course i'd have to see Rome and all the famous landmarks like the colosseum, and the Leaning Tower of Pisa. But what i really want to do in Italy is spend my time in Venice...oooohhh... People say Paris is the most romantic place in the world, but for me, its Venice. You see, i like water. It's cleansing, relaxing. Nothing can beat a slow sunset spent cuddling in s gondola, gliding below the bridges & passing by beautiful buildings through the city's elaborate waterways. Of course, to dine by the sea would be luxurious.

7. Australia
Yet another destination i don't feel ready to go to yet. 3 words : Great Barrier Reef. I'll need my scuba licence for that and i don't have one! Snorkelling just don't cut it in a place like that. My mum promised me my scuba licensce if i pass my MBBS. I can't afford it myself. Maybe later in life i'll upgrade my depth, but for now, i need the basic stuff. Also in Aussie, it's the wildlife that attracts me. Sharks & marsupials...if i'm not mistaken, marsupials are indigenous and almost exclusively found in Aussie. I also wanna see a kiwi bird!! The outback? Maybe. I hear there is a restaurant that serves all kinds of wild meat..again comes the issue of halal-ness.

8. New Zealand
Again a story from my childhood. I remember going through my grandma's drawers in PJ and i found this bar of soap that says Rotorua. It was so pretty & colourful, and she told me it was made from volcanic mud and it was the different minerals in the mud that gives it the different colours. So i wanted to see it someday. I heard of Rotorua again in Form 3 Geography, and the mention of fiords/fjords that make for wonderful views. And who can forget the beautiful locations from Lord of The Rings?

9. USA
Everywhere! New York, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Florida, Disneyland, Yosemite, Washington, Arizona, San Francisco...maybe literally just to drive through the States. This is perhaps the most obvious influence of TV but who cares. I wanna go to the museums : the Smithsonian, the museum of natural history, the museum of crime & punishment...damn, why can't i remember my other destinations? NASA, hell maybe even the CDC in Atlanta, and the FBI headquarters, just to see the real thing instead of just those on tv....maybe even a ski resort. Somehow the possible destinations are endless. Hopefully if my aunt is still living there i can bunk in & save on accommodation a few days...i think she's in San Diego, i'm not sure...I have another aunt somewhere, maybe i'll go find out.

10. Amsterdam
This is obvious : i wanna wake up on the street one morning with a stripper & next to someone else's vomit. Haha! It's no secret that i wanna smoke weed. Over here, its illegal...but not in Amsterdam. The misconception about weed is that it is addictive like heroin...it's not. Cigarettes are more addictive and more dangerous to health. If one get's hooked to weed, its more a psychological need than physical dependence (which commonly happens with heroin). And so far there is no 'marijuana overdose'. So yeah, its an educated decision. Of course there are other things to Holland/Amsterdam/Netherlands, like tulip plantations, windmills, wooden shoes and the dykes...you know the story, about the boy who stuck his finger in the hole of the dyke, saving the city from inevitable flooding...overnight, his finger froze...i don't know what happened after that

Wow...10, and i'm not even done! I barely cracked Europe and haven't even touched Asia & South America....Oh well, i guess i'll save it for next time. In the mean time, i'll keep on dreaming. Toodles!

Anger Management

2010-11-17T05:57:00.002+08:00

I hate being angry.
It is really an unpleasant feeling.
Thankfully, i dont get angry very often...somehow over the years my knee-jerk angry spews have disappeared. Ask the friends that know me from way back in primary & secondary school and they'll tell you i'm known for my sharp tongue, impatience and temper (that's the bad stuff...). I guess we all grow up, learn a bit of tolerance, about giving in, and to not sweat the small stuff.

But still, shit happens.

Nowdays my anger is akin to a thunderclap : sudden, explosive, and scary (to me!)
The reason i dont like being angry is because of the thoughts that flood my mind following the offending situation/person. Its horrible. Things like wanting to push an old lady down a flight of stairs, or to slit someone's throat when they fall asleep, or wishing they fail exams, or wanting them to die alone & in disgrace. I cant believe such thoughts are actually coming from me. If anything, i am thankful i'm not one of the X-men or Heroes or own that book from Death Note. Otherwise in that impulsive fury someone will be hurt. Also, within the thunderclap, i can keep my mouth shut....which is probably a good thing, for that moment.

My reactions have evolved from 'confrontational' to become 'avoidant' and then passive-aggressive...which is NOT good. I fear becoming a ticking time-bomb. Of course i try to resolve the issue, after giving myself a few days to bring the temper down a notch and collect my thoughts. Alas, what am i to do if the other party refuses to respond or acknowledge? Surely that cant be a bad reflection on me, afterall it takes 2 to tango.

I guess it goes without saying that i'm having an unresolved conflict of sorts. Its draining. Nobody likes under-handed tactics & false accusations no matter what your age. Too bad for me needing a clear conscience. Its draining on me because i hate to leave things hanging, and i'm not one who can brush things off and say 'whatever'. Guilt? Only because u r my 'superior'. i didnt wrong you; instead you chose to make my pitfalls your problem.

The thunderclap is gone but the skies are still dark, waiting for a ray of sunshine.

Desperate Houswife?

2010-11-04T17:04:00.002+08:00

If i find something i like doing, its just really really hard to go back or do something else.
I've had lots of fun doing O&G, and being in the A&E and clinics while i was in Banting. Now, i can't even make myself look at my campus, my dear PPUM, espiecially in the name of PAEDIATRICS. Urgh. I hate it.

Not surprisingly, my attention is diverted to other aspects of my life : friends, family, as well as my neglected bunny & daunting housework. I'm at present hopelessly disorganized; with >3 batches of laundry that needs to be done, bed linens in need of changing, floors & carpets begging to be cleaned & vacuumed...and THAT's just my room in grandma's house. In my hostel, i've got bags to unpack since moving out from Banting...the room, a months worth of collected dust...books & papers everywhere. Groceries? Zilch. I can't even concentrate long enough to decide where to begin.

Last weekend was my friend oNe's engagement. I got to her house just in time, despite her giving me wrong directions and making me do a 40km U-turn all the wal in Kuala Kangsar. I'dve killed her if it wasn't her engagement. Anyway the ceremony was cozy, the food was really good (really...really...good) and she looked like a princess, a blushing bride-to-be. I didn't really have a role, other than moral support & additional photographs. It really sucks that i wont be able to make it to her wedding...all in the name of Final MBBS.

Of course, upon my return to PJ my room was in shambles...part due to my piles of laundry, part due to the fact mum & sis stayed there for the weekend...you know how it is. So i've been staying home since then, my mind a blur, slowly cleaning up. At night, i watch tv with my grandma, and that's where the fun begins.

You see, i've been wanting to experiment in the kitchen for a long time. My culinary skills are very limited (NOT non-existent). Baking & desserts are easy, that's why i don't give myself the credit. You know what they say about cooking : learn to cook what you like to eat. When i ask for a recipe from MJ or my stepmum, they snicker as if saying "seriously, u wanna attempt that? its complicated". Fine, whatever. I'll get it from friends, or the internet.

Frankly, i think evryday dishes are difficult, main reason being i just buy them & didnt bother much in the kitchen before boarding school. The thing with Malay cooking, instructions are very vague with descriptions like 'secukup rasa' and 'naik bau' and 'pecah minyak'. They dont say 200g of this + 50ml of that & bake 40mins at 180. Its all 'secubit' and 'ukur dengan jari'.

So i try is the next best thing : anything i see on TV. Heck i've managed a pavlova & breakfast parfait from watching tv. From watching enough tv and eating enough food, i've concocted 2 recipes that i've yet to try:

1) Beef Stew : chunks of beef in a pot of water...a bit of salt...a sprig of rosemary...a few cloves, star anise & cinnamon...black peppercorns... lots of potato chunks to help reduce & thicken the broth. Boil & simmer a few hours...some tomatoes... i think that should do it. eat with bread...yumyum

2) Lamb Kebab in Pita : minced lamb...add 1 Tbs cili boh...some McCormick Allspice...some salt and olive oil... make into ball/sausage shape, skewer & grill. Then diced tomatoes, shredded lettuce, handful of pomegranate seeds & lemon juice... Next avocadoes, lime, cream, green capsicum & lime.. Toast pita... voila!

I actually enjoy all this housework, if i don't have anything else to do...which freaks me out, coz all my life growing up i saw myself 100% career woman, and now for some reason my contentment comes from being able to do my own housework.

Desperate Housewife? or Angelina Jolie?

Medical Mismanagement or Hopeless Communication?

2010-09-28T10:56:00.002+08:00

Here's the original article on Malaysiakini, about a Dr whose father recently passed away in Hospital Taiping http://www.malaysiakini.com/letters/141502 .

In short he is saying there was mismanagement, poor conduct by the hospital staff & the doctors involved.

A 94-year-old Indian male with Acute Coronary Syndrome (ACS,minor heart attack) and possible chest (lung) infection who was progressively deteriorating in the ward, developed respiratory distress & hypotension (low BP). His son a Dr, believes he should've been in ICU/CCU, and that he should've been intubated and actively resuscitated whe he started to deteriorate. In fact, he (the son) started to do CPR and asked if he could intubate his father. The following day, the doctors asked if they could perform an autopsy to determine the cause of death.
It was a painful article to read, because it captured the father's final moments very vividly.

Responses to the article commented (more like complained) on everything : going to a Govt. hospital is a death sentence, Malaysian doctors & healthcare system is hopeless, too many medical schools resulting in mediocre doctors, the need for meritocracy in deucation, the country is going to the dogs...etc.

Let me be frank about something : the hospital & healthcare system is not a 5-star hotel with a menu where you choose the ward you should be in, or which specialist from what field should be treating you. This is not my response to the article per se, rather my feeling toward the more educated patinets out there, especially those who can afford the $$$$. Just because you have a chest pain does not mean you need a cardiologist. You may think your funny looking nails are due for a manicure, but don't be surprised if your GP sends you to a hematologist, a cardiologist or a hepatologist. Yes, a patient has a right to his choice of treatment, but treatment as counselled or recommended by doctors...not wikipedia

Sorry for the tangent. Here's an objective response to the article, by an Ida Bakar :
"I am writing in the hope to lessen your pain at the loss of your father. If your father had been admitted to a hospital in the UK, I doubt the outcome would be different.
1) it is highly unlikely that a 94-y.o. would be admitted to ICU
2)the diagnosis of ACS alone does warrant admission to CCU
3)presence of dentures can ensure the upper airway remains patent, detures are remained in situ during bag-mask resus
4)intubating your father will only prolong his agony; his heart and lungs have failed and his body was shutting down
5)the request for a post-mortem is not unsusual in a hospital death
It does appear here that the problem was one of communication. A Do-Not-Resuscitate decision was made. Perhaps a decision to keep him comfortable in the last hours of his life was made also. You mentioned the lack of monitors and drips, but the presence of a cannula may indicate that appropriate drugs were given"

Here's a snip of another comment, by a Tyrone, a doc with ICU experiencr :
"You father should have been given an opportunity to pass away with dignity and without suffering, hence no active resuscitation. A morphine infusion should have been started to alleviate any pain or discomfort; this is where the hospital staff should have acted promptly. You shouldn't have taken an active role in treatment because emotions would have clouded your medical judgement. Nonetheless, staff should have sttended to your concerns or explained to you why they did what they did".

OK. I'll be the first to say that in Govt hospitals, communication with patients leaves a lot to be desired. This is where we differ from UK, where patient counselling cn take up to an hour...if that were to happen here, we'll get a new letter in the newspapers saying that the waiting time in hospitals is too long. So patient education takes a back seat and usually delegated to nurses, monthly talks/briefings and to junior doctors. And in most instances, only the basic info of the disease, prescribed treatment is given...not much attention is given to alleviate concerns n giving patients peace of mind...

keyword here is PATIENTS....not relatives or mother-in-laws. And so far, for me as a student, this is where i come in : the bridge between the hard-core clinical stuff and the layman's perspective. Also, this is where private hospitals & clinics have the upper hand...there are no 'junior doctors' or specialized nurses, so the task of addressing the concerns falls solely on the consultant....which is also why some private docs give out their personal handphone number. This is actually why the general perception of 'doctors in private hospitals are better'. In terms of medical care, any Govt hospital wins hands-down. NEWSFLASH : if anything goes wrong in a private hosp, or a case seems complicated, they WILL refer to a Govt Hosp, any Hospital Besar. You will never see a govt. hosp, no matter how small, refer a case to a private hosp....unless it is because of a patient's request.

I guess another point to learn from the story is, never underestimate the role of emotions, and how grief (or worse, impending bereavement) can affect somebody. Everyone has a hard time when witnessing death. Doctors may see it more often, hence dismiss it in another day at the job. But when it his home, when it stares you in the face, you WILL feel compelled to do something, ANYTHING, because afterall you were trained to 'rectify' any state/condition that is not functioning normally. This is why we have a lecture, Diagnosing Death....to know when to let go. Any person on the street can tell you if someone is alive or dead...it doesn't take a genius. But how do you tell when a person has death in line?

I guess that's enough for now. Back to school.

Arrividerci, Baby!

2010-08-29T22:10:00.005+08:00

Wow...There's so much i wanna say, my head feels congested & i'm nauseated just trying to sort my thoughts out! But it's all good. Since finishing my Orthopaedics posting last Thursday and going home to Penang & back again, many things have happened (more like, a lot of normally-mundane things turned out to be awesome). I'm happy!!! See :) :) :)

give it a couple of days, it'll be gone once i'm back in my brain-dead medical school routine.

Just a concluding line for my ortho exam : i thought it was do-able; it would've been 'not bad' if i actually attended the first 4 weeks of class. I haven't submitted my case write-up though... Frankly it is not that i dont regret it; i just wanna keep the self-loathing quiet for now, ESPECIALLY because i am actually enjoying being alive instead of ruminating on how indecisive i am about being dead

now where was i? oh yea, PENANG. Seriously, i dont know why i dont go back more often. Its a whole different feeling, the minute i'm on the streets of Penang...regardless of taxi or mum's car, or my car. The scorching sun, the clear night skies, my quirky & moody little cats, the less-congested roads, my 'childhood' bed, the free-to-experiment kitchen...i tend to forget; it just hits every time i touch base. I'm wondering if i should work in Penang GH, right next to my 'ol high school SGGS. If i do then for one thing, at least my mum wouldn't be alone. The thing is, a part of me feels i should stay in UMMC...i've always had a strong sense of attachment to UM what goes beyond it being my alma matyr.

Anyway. in my flight back to KL, i happened to be sitting next to an Italian couple. Iattempted to make polite conversation but as it turns out, the husband doesnt speak English. At that moment, all i could think of was ''bon giorno", "ti amero", and "arrividerci", which loosely translates as 'hello', 'i love you', 'goodbye'....not exactly the words to say to a stranger u just met; unless of course you're in there for a one-night-stand, huhuhu. I spoke briefly with the wife, who told me they were in Penang for vacation...then they resumed their husband-wife conversation completely in Italian. I just sat there with my eyes closed, eavesdropping on a conversation to which i had no clue as wo what was going on....i was rather in awe coz i've never really heard conversations in italian before, aside from the brief opening scene in Angels & Demons.

So i spent the entire 45-minute flight lost in my own thoughts : i was ransacking my brain for all the Italian words i know. I came up with "aiuto", which means 'help'...i pressed on, then started singing my favourite Il Divo song, Ti Amero...."La notte schivole sormondo...que sia tormentera..." Heck, all i got from the song was 'one night', 'torment', 'lingering/continueing'.... In other words, not much prgress. Naturally, i proceed to what i can recall from the menu at Italian restaurants : tiramisu? quattro formage? de carni? spaghetti? lasagne? Even more useless for conversation...

I was beginning to get exahusted. I mean, if they were Spanish then i'd have better luck. I've always wanted to learn Spanish, and i did pick up a few phrases from my grandmother, and from songs & movies. See, TV does me a LOT of good. I havent had the opportunity to travel, but that is how i learn about the world & other cultures. of course, you'll need common sense to discern the 'hollywood fiction' factor from some of the stuff. plus, i love watching then discovery channel, natgeo, history channel, and sometimes discovery travel & the cooking channels. I guess what i'm trying to say is for some people out there who watch even more tv/series than i do and yet for some reason can still remain so close-minded and got no clue about other poeple's values, cultures, taboos, they have got to be the thickest numbskulls ever. Heads up peeps, this is what 'informal education' is all about.

and i digress yet again. now where was i...oh yeah, the italian food road block. fine. then i got an idea : i used to learn the piano, i was up to grade 5...we had to learn italian terms for music theory. Immediately i tried to recall : mezzo, moderato, allegro, adagio, lento, crescendo, allegretto, segno, maestoso, dolce, forte, presto, pianissimo, con brio, etc. Sure, it may not be enough for conversation but i was contented to at least know SOMETHING. By then we were about to land in KLIA. I was determined to at least say something in italian but i cant seem to work up the nerve for it...what if my understanding was flawed? what if my pronounciation is wrong, so wrong that they cant understand?

So we were getting our luggage, and the man said ;bon voyage. i said, wait first (the cabin doors were still closed). Just when the people ahead started walking out, both husband and wife said 'bye bye' to me...i turned to look at the husband (he was sitting next to me, afterall) and said, "arrividerci" and oh how their faces lit up! She said 'ah, brava!' and he smiled and repeated 'arrividervi'. I guess they were taken aback, coz they weren't expecting it. The were impressed, and i was pleased with myself. Walking toward the arrival hall, i was giggling to myself, and i was skipping with joy for actually finding the guts to say that one word. You see, earlier this year i studied Mandarin for a while and wasnt very good at it; and although i do know a few words & phrases here n there, i have yet to be able to muster the courage to speak with my chinese classmates/friends/patients...for the same reasons i mentioned earlier. I am too self-conscious for my own good, too egoistic to risk embarassment.

Then in the taxi, i had a chinese taxi driver whom i noticed had classical features/deformity of rheumatoid arthritis : boutonniere, swan-neck, z-shape, radial deviation of the wrist. I asked him about it, and he's had it for >20 years. Apparently it doesnt hurt when he drives. He gave me the same advice i've heard time n again : to master a language, u have to speak; it doesnt matter if they laugh at you.

So in summary; I had a great weekend. For now, arrividerci baby!

A Moment of Clarity

2010-08-23T03:08:00.002+08:00

I was on Facebook for a few hours just now, waiting for my Farmville crops to be ready. I had run out of my usual online time-killing things to do, then i got a bright idea : inbox-messaging friends.

To be frank, i haven't socialized much in the past year or so. Most of the times i prefer to be by myself...i just had no mood for it. Even when friends try to ask me out, i reluctantly agree and end up cancelling in the last minute. Of course, friends/acquaintances in my immediate surrounding markedly shrank a long time ago when i left my initial MBBS 2005/2010 and joined with the juniors...even more so since they've graduated & started working in hospitals all over the country. So, in my everyday there is a steep drop even in casual encounters; hardly any more hi's or hello's from the 150-or so familiar faces walking down the corridor. Friends outside of med school hv always been tough to hangout with coz they're working or back at their home state.

As a result, i feel lonely a lot of the time. I don't blame them for it...well maybe i blame them about 30%...the rest of it is me not wanting to be around people, feel the need to be alone..and the part of me that doesn't understand why i do it; i just have to. Heck, most times i dont think i'd be any good for company, that i'd probably bore those who ask me out or come over, and i didnt wanna feel bad if i had 'dampened' the whole outing. So might as well stay in by myself & be bored by myself.

Anyway. Like i said i was waiting for my Farmville crops to mature & i was feeling rather joyful & i started messaging my friends, one after the other. With each message i typed, i felt a lil more uplifted. Somehow it felt like everything was clear now, and i had a certain calm embrace me. The feeling itself wasn't overwhelming...but when i realized the feeling, typing, 'talking' to my friends, I felt my old self. It was good. It felt wonderful. I felt like i had clarity, that i was being like my old chatty jovial self. Suddenly now, typing this, I begin to miss my friends...I miss chatting with them...I miss the feeling of security, knowing they will be there for me if i need someone to turn to.

It is in moments like these, that i 100% believe that i do indeed suffer from depression. In moments of clarity like these i can look back at my weariness, it-doesnt-matter feelings, incredibly boring & lethargic everyday then say for sure that the sloth-like existence cannot possibly be my own conscious doing...because they never feel right, and sometimes they don't even feel real. I never felt truly rested no matter how much i sleep, I never felt truly unburdened regardless how little i take on or even when i choose to do nothing. I know i am better than that, that i am capable of a lot more...but when i am in the slum, i never believe it, and think that i indeed subconsciously want to destroy myself. Even worse when people around me too start blaming it on me having a bad attitude, being lazy and irresponsible.

I felt that i had to write within this moment, before it slips away and i become my shadow again. All i want, just like evryone else, is to be happy and to be able to experience happiness. I want this clarity to just last longer, no need for forever. Just last long enough so i can get things done, and feel like I actually do exist, and that this a life, that i am not just an empty vessel floating through time.

Good night.

Of Weddings, Graduation and Upcoming Ramadhan

2010-08-10T23:36:00.002+08:00

Last Saturday i attended the wedding of a former schoolmate of mine, Ezureen Ezani. Its the first of such weddings that i attended, though quite a number of my MRSM Taiping batchmates have entered a new phase in their lives. Some are engaged, most are newlyweds, others have welcomed their first child, and a tiny number of them are already pregnant with baby number 2.

Oh, how time flies. Apparently it has been 7 years since the lot of us left high school & SPM. Friends, former friends and even teachers have gone separate ways. Of course, being at Ezureen's wedding was like a small reunion of a handful of individuals; no longer clustered in 'gangs' or 'couples' or 'classmates' . I had fun! Oddly enough, there wasn't really any nostalgia. Everyone was here-and-now, celebrating our mutual friends' journey into marriage. I guess the lot of us had fun chatting & eating & laughing, we just HAD to have our own afterparty : Karaoke @ Wangsa Walk. Perfect Timing, coz Kemek (my karaoke buddy) & I havent been to karaoke for so long. Usually our karaoke trips are an all-girl outing, so this is the 1st time we have guys in the bunch. Frankly we were surprised to feel at ease, comfy enough to make fools of ourselves belting & screaming out of pitch for 2 hours.

Tired & happy, my day wasn't over : I had an Orthopaedic on-call shift that night, which also turned out to be fun and very informative.

The day before that (Friday) would have been a big day for me had i stayed on with my previous batch : Graduation, class of 2010. To be honest i anticipated a wave of depression to hit, just like it did they day they passed their final exams a few months back. Thankfully it didn't. The person i was really looking forward to see is my old roomate, Dahlia. She's a quiet girl, very hardworking and smart. Although i always say Dahlia is stiff, 'has no feelings' and hardly socializes (its the truth, she admits so herself!) but through the years we did become good friends. I was happy that she too really wanted to see me. I thought i was just going to meet her, say 'hi' amongst the crowd of graduates....i mean, i didnt want to interrupt her plans & celebrations...instead she asked to chill out in my hostel room & hv a quiet chat. Working life IS tough afterall, and after 2 months she has yet to receive her paycheck. I guess i just miss having her as a roomate & study partner.

Ramadan starts tomorrow. One month of fasting, before Raya celebrations. Regretfully this year i failed to 'pay my debt' if u know what i mean. Its a big deal to some people, and to others it means nothing. Me, its one of the things i usually make an effort to do in recent years. Perhaps if u'd notice, this is just another notch in the way things have been going on since late 2008....how i've completely let myself go; let go of discipline, of responsibilities, of decisions, and of everything i m 'supposed' to be. And now slowly & reluctantly i m resuming control of myself and my 'life'. I was never a failure, but now i'm halfway to becoming one....and i dont even know why. This posting (Orthopaedics) marks my worst/lowest point of academic participation thus far, possibly putting my future (exams/graduation from med school) in jeopardy. I dont even like myself for that, and it adds on every time i think about it. What does Ramadhan have to do with all this? Nothing, i guess. Its just another day of another month, except that i dont get to eat or drink during the day.

I gotta go to sleep now. Hope i make it to my 8.30 ward round tomorrow. Toodles!

Fill in the Blanks

2010-07-13T04:13:00.002+08:00

Its been quite a while since i last wrote anything. The last few months for me felt rather uneventful, slow. Not that they really were, but it just felt that way. For some reason i've felt persistently bored, as if my emotional thermostat was stuck on 'blank'. Whatever feelings of enjoyment or sadness, anger or enthusiasm were short-lived and merely reactive. So naturally, i had no opinion on anything yet my thoughts were swarming left right and centre on god knows what...

I'm still not quite 'fine' yet, though i cant put a finger on it so really, questions like 'are u ok' or 'whats wrong' will be met by a stoned expression & a stiff, uncomfortable chuckle. It is 4.30am and i wanna kill time till i'm due for ward rounds so here goes.

1. My Grandma's 77th Birthday
Saturday 10th July. I dont know whose idea it was, but i have to say there were lotsa bumps on the execution of the party. i mean, i live in the same house as my grandma, but i only found out about the party when i picked my mum up (who came all the way from Penang mind you). Regardless, it was a huge turnout...5 or 6 cars worth of relatives, ud think it was a Raya openhouse! We ended up with 4 birthday cakes, some murtabak + pasembor and other 'snack' food but no 'real' food. Not to fret, Dima Marlina & her Domino's coupons saved the day! Heck, even Dominos sounded confused, coz i had to call and order twice that day...huhu. It was fun, really, seeing my grandma blow 30-something candles on the many cakes. She was happy, pleased, that's all that mattered. She said to me today, she never had such a big party, maybe she it was all the excitement or because of the shock that she's getting sick today (she's getting the flu).

2. OZ
OZ....The name on the street for the Oswald State Correctional Facility, Level 4. Haha. Its a tv series, by HBO waay back in 1997-2003...6 seasons altogether. I've watched it twice back in 2008 when i was doing my elective in the pusat serenti. And I've watched it again twice the last few weeks. Its a show about life in prison, and will probably be one of the most gripping, brutal, real and unique show u'll ever see. Man I love it. Super testosterone (haha). Gotta thank my dad for intoducing it to me. I haven't watched Prison Break, but to be frank, i'm skeptical coz i dont think something truly realistic & gory/intense would be able to be that mainstream. Anyway. I made my sis watch it and now she's hooked. Our fave characters : The O'Reily Brothers...i love Ryan & she loves Cyril...played by real-life brothers Dean Winters and Scott William Winters, respectively. And heck, their brother, Bradford Winters also came in as one of the writers for the show. But really, there are so many good characters that anyone who watches Oz will have a hard time picking favourites.

3. Schindler's List
When oNe came to stay with me a month ago, i was surprised to find this movie on her external hard drive. Its one of those movies i've heard of but have no idea what its about. I watched it, initially confused coz half of the dialogue was in German or Polish then in Hebrew or Yiddish but then somehow it didnt matter; the message was clear. Its a true story about the events during the Holocaust and how a man named Oskar Schindler managed to save the lives of almost 1200 jews from Poland. The movie haunted me; made me want to watch it again and again. It made me surf online to read a bit more on the Holocaust, Schindler himself, Amon Goeth, and whetever that was related. One particular night i scared myself shitless, reading on human vivisection (surgery/dissection on live victims without anaesthesia), human 'medical experiments', mass executions....all done by the Nazis to the jews & other prisoners...even the Japanese did the same thing during their occupation of China...they did that plus 2 other sick, grotesque practise : CANNIBALISM and 'comfort women' (kidnap village women & put them in brothels to 'serve comfort' for the soldiers). yeeesh. I didnt dare turn the light off that night.

4. Medical School
Not surprisingly, i'm getting the same feelings i had the last time : why does it matter? what the hell am i doing here? i'm not a doctor, i'm just a smart-ass in a white coat. Yeah, those feelings. Going to sleep & wishing i'd evaporate into thin air. I've finished my Medicine posting & my Psychiatry posting (i wish i had my head on right; i wouldve enjoyed it a lot more) and now i'm in Orthopaedics. Oh, we also had 3 weeks of OMHS (Organization & Management of Health Services) and my group was posted in Putrajaya. Boring as hell. Compared to the previous project trip to Maran in 3rd year for CRP (Community Residency Programme), i felt completely useless & out of the loop. All i did was interview the guy i was supposed to, wrote my report, & helped 1 editor with a teeny bit of editing. I'm just glad that's over, but it also means going back to the wards and unpredictable class schedules. hmmph. I just wanna be able to feel excited & interested...my reflex is to avoid it like a plague, or put if off until abso-freakin-lutely necessary, i.e. crossing the bridge when i get there. As if on cue, somehow on days that i have class suddenly i cant wake up, completely knocked-out in a 16-hour coma. Frankly right now, i'm contented if i complete/submit my assignments, do my on-calls & vaguely know about the posting. I couldnt care less about making the 80% attendance mark or to be as good as evrybody else. One day, this will change. I cant live with myself like this.

I guess that's it for now. Till next time, ciao!

Breaking The Glass Ceiling

2010-04-05T20:46:00.002+08:00

Today the Final MBBS Exam results for batch 2005/2010 came out . The end of their 5-year struggle. My former roomate texted me, sharing her good news. I logged on to facebook and saw the many congratulatory wishes & thank yous to God, parents, friends and everything else. Talk of celebration and 'rebellion' to studying are everywhere. As of today, they have finally obtained the right to be addressed as Doctor.

It could've been me.
I was once one of them.
But it was I who decided to pull myself out; to deal with other demons or i would probably be a corpse today.

I am happy for them, i really am. But i would be lying if i said the happiness isn't enshrouded by intense jealousy. I just really wish i was one of them. I wish i would be standing with them on stage at graduation.

Perhaps this is my pride talking. Looking at the bigger picture, i will become a doctor as well...only 1 year later. I hadn't failed. Things happen. Unforseen events. It can't be helped, and there is no blame to be put. Regardless, i can't help what i feel. Perhaps i could grieve and put these feelings to rest.

Things have not been working so smoothly the past few weeks...ever since the fire in our home in Penang. Though it wasn't major, but one can feel the stress eminating from mother & daughters. Everyone's busy, everyone's slammed with job/academic commitments. The tension is unavoidable. One has to bear it as long as it takes to make the house back to what it was.

It has been difficult for me to concentrate on what i'm doing. Restless boredom. The lability of my emotions draws me into seclusion...avoiding contact yet yearning it all the same.

Anyway. What does it take to break the glass ceiling? The unseen & unreal barriers to materializing ones dream. The exaggerated gravity of situations. The fear of failure. The irrational loathing towards certain departments. The inherent compulsion to procrastination.

Looks like i have a long way to go.

Sex Education

2010-04-01T02:16:00.000+08:00

The first time i heard about Sex Education was in Form 2, where it was the topic for our class debate and i was in the opposition team. It was meant to be for our English class, among fellow classmates; but since we had that class in front of the school co-op (it was more spacious, so we could arrange chairs & tables to get a better 'feel' of debate) i got rebuttals from Form 4 and Form 5 students...SCHOOL DEBATERS mind you (who were apparently frustrated because they just lost a debate) leaving me flustered, confused & tongue tied so our teacher finally stepped in. rather unfair for a first-timer, dont you think? either way i don't think it affected my assessment so much.

Anyway. Why Sex Ed? Is it really necesary? To be honest i dont really care if they implement it or not. However, since i generally dislike sex out of wedlock & promiscuous behaviour, and unfortunately some go about it like we live in caves (i.e. no choice, no contraception, no restrictions, no-knowledge-just-urges, no rules) i think it becomes necessary to educate and break the apparent naivete.

OK. To Sex Ed or Not To Sex Ed. From newspapers & blog comments i see most people debate on that. I'm more interested as to what they MEAN by sex-ed, and the fact that if improperly implemented there could be potential misuse by perverted teachers. So to be frank, i think the best people to teach sex education are doctors, nurses, trained teachers (include some open-minded ustaz/ustazahs/religious leaders if any)...basically anyone who is trained and capable of talking about sex academically, objectively, and clinically.

Sex ed is NOT teaching people how to have sex (i.e. cuddle & kiss for how long then do this and do that here or there). Sex ed is about sexual behaviour, consequences/products of sex, and prevention.

So, here is my suggected scope for sex education.

1) Primary Sex Education : probably for high school students
-normal human sexual development (from in utero, puberty, sexual maturity and regression)
-sexual anatomy (male and female)
-views on sex and its role/practise by different cultures & religions (preferably worldwide...include current malaysian law)
-sexually transmitted disease
-pregnancy, abstinence & contraception (i'm talking hard core contraception including implants, tubal ligations and vasectomies...not just condoms & pills)

2) Secondary Sex Education : matriculation/A-level/university, maybe?
-the differences between gender and sex (gender roles, gender identity, sexual identity, transexualism)
-sexual preferences (homo/bi/heterosexuality)
-sexual harrassment & the law
-family & relationships (responsibility, maturity, infidelity, polygamy)
-psychology (body image, self-awareness & empowerment)

3) Tertiery Sex Education : optional, for sexually active individuals (hopefully married)
-the Kama Sutra & enhancing sexual pleasures
-non-conventional practices (S&M, swinging, necrophilia, pedophilia, bestiality, incest, rape, etc)
-overcoming common sexual problems (performance anxieties, erectile dysfunction, painful intercourse, etc)

what do you think?

Discouraged

2010-03-15T22:47:00.002+08:00

Last week my article was published on the blogsite Unscientific Malaysia. Here's the link http://unmalaysia.wordpress.com/2010/03/11/my-2-cents-on-fatine-2/comment-page-1/#comments You can find the original article in my blog archive, January 2010

I submitted that blog post to the administrators because the discussions on UnMsia's Facebook page at the time was going a lot into gay/LGBT issues and thought it would be a good idea to share. So imagine my surprise when they responded and decided to publish it. I mean, i am nobody...just another girl with a blog.

When the article came out, i was practically jumping up and down with excitement. I went to check it out for myself & nearly had a heart attack : there was a comment by Marina Mahathir. There it was, one of the earliest comments. I was stunned. Marina Mahathir commented on something I wrote, not the other way around!!! Once the initial shock wore off, i was elated and proceeded to forward the link to my friends, my mother, my sister... At that moment i felt like a kid showing-off her artwork, and was so happy for the support from friends.

That was then.

Obviously i followed my article closely. Now there are many more comments, and a significant proportion of them negative, with non-helpful criticism. Some responded emotionally, convinced i have no idea what i'm talking about, or that i am so far away from actually understanding the issue. The comments on the Facebook page are a lot harsher, some telling me to "shut the fuck up" http://www.facebook.com/notes/unscientific-malaysia/my-2-cents-on-fatine/355903123510 .

Even my comments attempting to clear misunderstandings or misconception regarding statements within the article were met with 'dislikes'. Basically all the bad comments were just one step short of name-calling or branding me a 'disgrace'. They refuse to accept my clarifications of the article, that it wasnt meant to be a scientific/research article thus was written based on observation, brief reading, and knowledge at hand. They dont see the fact that i am not writing as an activist, a sympathiser, an opposer, or as an individual with 'experience' (i.e, a transexual or a family member or someone living with a transexual)...heck they even questioned when i say i'm on the fence.

Seriously. If i had wrote the article as a Professor of Gender Studies or Sociology and had made those errors in my article, then yes, feel free to crucify me, i'd deserve it. Don't punish a 10-year old for not being able to do PMR level quadratics.

The 'up' side to my article was that there were transexual women who read it, and they did not condemn me except for my haphazard teminology. I appreciate them sharing their stories, and they were not like the stereotypes i wrote about. The problem with trying to reach out to the marginalized or 'frowned upon' population is that they get so defensive; i faced similar criticism when i interviewed drug addicts at the Pusat Serenti. They disregard the fact that i had CHOSEN be there & learn about them; instead some condemn me for being skeptical about trusting drug addicts. Instead of showing me why & how they can be trusted, this guy just confronted & lectured me on MY 'sincerity' and motives. Same with these transexual sympathisers (like i said, the trans women were actually receptive) chose to laugh at my 'ignorance', express their appalled-ness over my lack of 'initiative' and 'understanding'.

You know what's sad? my mum & sis haven't even seen my article. never mind reading or commenting, they haven't even looked at it.

Why is my title 'Discouraged'? Well, i've told u about UnMsia's Facebook page. I debate there a lot, and unfortunately i always find myself having to speak about Islam because of the blatant condemnation & apparent misinterpretation by the anti-Islam and left-wing liberatarians. all i do is put out facts that i know. and instead of taking the facts, they question my understanding, my interpretation, my motives, my knowlegde and accuse me of pick-n-choose Islamic teachings as well as manipulating Islam to prove my point. Mind you, i dont even quote the Quran or Hadith and i make it a point never to do so unless talking to other Muslims.

Debating there was my outlet when stressed : it channels my aggression to something more useful; helps take the edge off. Instead of creating drama or picking fights with friends/family, i 'fight' about topics, issues, and causes. Just as what happened with my article, i now spend more time clarifying & justifying the points i put out; with no help from fellow members or friends.

My once source of stress release has turned into my source of stress. I guess it is time stop & move on to something else.

Exhaustion by Expectation...AAARGH!!!

2010-03-11T08:01:00.006+08:00

I am currently in the 3rd week of my medical posting...or at least i am supposed to be. I practically slept through the whole of last week; i could barely keep myself awake. This week i'm plagued by insomnia, waking up at 3am and unable to fall back asleep. I am very much interested with my studies, but just overwhelmed because there is too much to do. Its draining just thinking about it & planning my next course of action and frankly, i have little energy to do anything. Forget eating or socializing; i'm too tensed most of the time anyway.

Let me give you a tour of the expected life of a final year medical student in University Malaya.

My current posting : Internal Medicine.
We are rotated among the 8-10 sub-specialty wards each week (cardiology, neurology, geriatric, hematology, etc.) for the 8-week posting. Depending on the ward, each student will have about 7 patients to cover; meaning to fully clerk the history, full examination, trace lab results & X-rays, study the case notes, and follow-up until discharge. By exam standards, full clerking + examination + diagnosis + plan investigations should be done in <1 hour (experienced doctors can do it within 10-30mins depending on the illness...that's y the GPs shoo you away after 2 minutes). Simple math will tell you it will take minimum 8 hours in the ward including breaks & moving between patients, just to cover the patients...without even checking reference textbooks about the disease. 8 HOURS OF BASIC EXPECTED PREPARATION FOR JUST 1 HOUR OF CLASS (TEACHING WARD ROUND). We have 2-3 teaching ward rounds a week. And some of our lecturers expect us to be in the ward 7.30am-5.00pm to join with the consultant/medical officer ward rounds or help with blood taking and other things like that. Then we have on-call duties once a week so we have to stay at the ward or emergency department at least until midnight & follow the doctors.

That is just the ward work. Mind you, its not like we are getting paid...and neither are we actually treating the patient...just aggressively observing.

Then in every posting, we are expected to observe procedures like X-rays, CT scans, endoscopy, biopsies, blablabla...at our own time. Regardless if we have seen such procedures before (perhaps in different postings), failure to obtain the the attending doctor's signature to complete/fill out log books would reflect poor attitude and less marks. On top of that, we have tutorials on various topics once or twice a week, each taking about 1-2 hours. Because the lecturers themselves are specialists/consultants, they are very busy thus last-minute schedule changes are not uncommon. Then in some postings we also have to attend to the clinics, to learn about follow-up, clinic vs ward setting, learn how to decide which patients need to be admitted, so on and so forth. And because UMMC is very sub-specialized, different clinics are on different days!!! Then there are additional stints with the Departments of Pathology and Radiology every other week....sometimes requiring searching for additional patients or writing up reports. Then we also have 1-2 hours of general lectures and 2 hours of Clinical Pathology Conference (CPC) once a week. Attendance for EVERYTHING is compulsory, anyone with <80% per posting will be subjeced to inquiry by the Dean's Office and barred from our final exam. Oh, and did i mention that we have end-of-posting exams every 8 weeks?

Overwhelmed yet? Noticed that i haven't even mentioned READING or STUDYING.....let alone RELAXING. Ideally, they expect students to read up on the disease/conditions of their allocated patients in the wards as well as their treatment options, read up in tutorial topics beforehand, revise the contents of the general lectures, and prepare for the CPC which are very complicated cases like you see on House. I personally think one has to either be manic or hyperthyroid or hyperactive or addicted to coffee/red bull/crystal meth to be able to cope. That's why i am contented with my C-mark at every major exam.

Hospital staff (doctors, nurses, dentists alike) always say this about UM grads : UM grads are excellent, they are very skilled with clinical work and have a lot of knowlegde, but have bad attitudes. Well, that's because in the process of our training/grooming/education we have learnt to say FUCK YOU!!! We'll go around doing out own business, as long as the patient is safe/stable, the filing & documentation is up-to-date, we really don't give 2 shits about anything else.

Ain't we a fun bunch. Now...has anyone got some crystal meth for me?

Buttering Myself Up

2010-03-02T04:17:00.002+08:00

I've been in somewhat of a bad mood for the past several days. Although i remain motivated, my temperament has been foul; thanks to no small part to the hypocrites i call family. If u had read my previous post with regard to sex out of wedlock, you can obviously see how strongly i feel about it. I have to be honest and say my stand has been conditioned by upbringing, religious education, and to no small part influenced by the incidents that lead to the wreckage of my only family institution : the inability of 1 man to control his sexual desire + 1 immoral woman who had no qualms about having sex with just anyone.

Do i not feel ashamed writing that down? why should i, when the offenders themselves have never truly been apologetic. Not my problem. Yet apparently the collateral 'victims' to the ordeal don't feel as strongly as i do. So i guess its everyone for themselves, they way it should have been from the start. No good deed goes unpunished. For trying to stick to what i believe in and truly spend time with my relatives, I get unadulterated version of the unspoken resentment and end up being the soundboard & the reliable one when it comes to...well, anything.

So. Let's butter me up to make me feel better.
Definitely better than beating myself up, right?

I come from a very educated family. On my mum's side, you have the ultimate definition of academic : my grandma, Prof Emeritus Puan Sri Dato Dr Fatimah Hamid Don. Yep, my grandma has a PhD. Google her and you'll get her journal contributions, newspaper articles & the sorts. As if that wasn't great enough, she is the founder and held high positions in several of the women NGOs in Malaysia. Then you have my late grandfather, Tan Sri Dato Ishak Pateh Akhir. Google him and you'll see his face as chairman of SPA & MIDA...he was a high-rank government officer. My mum, Dr Fawziah Ishak, Obs & Gynae specialist. She's well-known in Penang, esp in the mainland. On my father's side, my maktok Jumabee (MJ) was a teacher for over 40 years. I think she started teaching when she was 14...mostly math & art in primary school. My grandfather Daud was also a teacher, a high school art teacher (oil painting, pottery) ...its pathetic how i did not inherit ANY art skill. Although my MJ & tokwan aren't as high-powered as my other 2 grandparents, i am still very proud of them...many in their generation are illiterate, many never went to school, let alone have careers. My dad Mohd Rafi started as an engineer/technician and has long ventured in to business and the world of economics/venture capitalist/investments that i dont understand one bit.

That's them.

What about me? I always say i'm average but my friends always disagree. I guess academically i've been blessed. 5A UPSR + offered Sekolah Tun Fatimah, 8A PMR + offered MRSM Taiping, 9A SPM + offered PASUM, 4.0 PASUM + offered UM Medicine. According to my dad's calculations, among the ~200,000 that took SPM my year, ~2000 got straight 9A1..... since i only had 8A1+1A2.....that puts me at around the top 2-5% among my fellow batchmates. Now, I'm in my final year of Medical school where everyone is crazy brilliant, i haven't really felt smart in a long time. In medical school, i'm in the bunch who gets just enough to pass (so far).

So nevermind academics, i've always tried do to other things. Like my ventures into drama/theatre/performing coz i really enjoy doing so. Regardless of the feedback i get, i just cringe seeing myself on stage. Unsuccessful there. Art, i won't even bother. I've never been good in sports, probably because i've always been on the heavy side thus i get winded quicker than others. Nevertheless, i really did enjoy my 3 years in Goshin-ryu Karate and i still wish to continue till i get my black belt, if & when i have the time. I don't read much until recently (political blogs), I'm the worst when it comes to technology & gadgets, and in person i am pretty 'blur', not very eloquent and in my opinion, not really that interesting.

But i am intelligent.

It is only recently that i realized that. In searching of my forte, something that i can rely on and feel confident about, finally i could connect the dots. I am smart, as 'evidenced' by my academic track record. So what am i good at? what is my forte : STUDYING!

So what am I doing about that...refer my earlier post about turning 24. I am currently :
1) taking Mandarin classes
2) reading political/social/religious blogs & giving my opinions
3) reading Mahathir's book : The Malay Dilemma
4) studying a compilation of hadith : Tajzibu Athraf
5) studying the tafsir Al-Quran in english
and of course, i cannot leave out my medical textbooks & notes...but i have to admit, i get distracted with the aforementioned.

Perhaps i am being overzealous...i have 2 more books to read once i'm done : The Other Malaysia by Farish Noor, Kisah 25 Nabi & Rasul, tafsir Al-Quran in BM...novels & Chicken Soups. I can't help it, i'm excited but reading is taxing. Writing in this blog also helps keep me interested. Frankly i was surprised to see >50 hits on my blog in within a week, coz i really thought i had maybe 5 friends who actually read what i write.

That's enough buttering. Now i'm craving butter-fried prawns..Ooohhh...

Premarital Sex & Caning of Women

2010-02-19T01:48:00.002+08:00

I am just fuming. This topic has got me all riled up in a bunch. Oh, I don't know, maybe because it most likely concerns my generation, people in my age group? The many comments i've read about this topic is actually the fan to my fire.

Its not my intention to mimick Dr. Mahathir's blog style, but i need my thoughts in order

1. I am against pre-marital sex. I do think it showcases loose morals and irresponsible behaviour on both sides.

2.It is not something intrinsic of the East...it is not advocated in any religion i know. Blame the media or whatnot; it is only practised by a certain bunch of 'liberal' Americans (ie, the MTV or any form of protesting bunch which happen to get most of the airtime) and European countries, where ignorant young people compare the age of losing their virginity.... thanks to that UK has the highest incidence of teenage pregnancy. Is that really something to be proud of? Is that really 'modern' & 'progressive'? Sounds like young African tribal brides to me.

3. Most of the idiots i know who 'terlanjur' (i hate this term coz who on earth can 'accidentaly' have sex? its a lot of effort man!) usually i hear they cry after their 1st time coz of shame, 'regret', because 'it just happened' (yeah right...)...then ignore their conscience do it again & again because 'it doesnt matter anymore now that virginity is lost' and 'alang-alang'...and of course, who can deny the pleasures of sex? Now, their initial reaction of self-realization n regret MAY be described as the feeling of 'insaf'...judging by the events that followed, is it really?

4. Having said about 'insaf', lets talk about the caning of women issue. Look, i am not a die-hard fan of caning, neither am I a religious extremist, but what the hell is the big deal? Why on earth are you arguing on basis of women's rights and what nots....Men have been caned for ages and when its time for women to get cained u claim injustice... You want gender equality, you gotta take it as a whole...not 'selectively' when it suits you, you bigot. You get same jobs as the men, same opportunity as the men, same punishment as the men.

5. From what i know Shariah caning is different than the usual caning we see : the graphic images of the buttock skin torn from the many lashes revealing the angry bleeding red flesh underneath. Shariah caning is not like that. For one thing, you have clothes on. Second, it is not meant to cause permanent injury. Third, they dont use big scary rotans. Fourth, they dont ask a huge masked burly man to smack the life outta you

6. If someone is a Muslim, it is only logic to assume that they KNOW the do's & don'ts...so please dont act surprised when authorities say what you do is wrong especially when you are guilty / caught in the act (making out, consuming alcohol, lying through your teeth)...and especially, dont even bother covering it up or say it is unjust. With that, i'd like to express my respect to Kartika, because she did not petition against her punishment; she accepted that she has done wrong and deserves her sentence. It shows she is not ignorant, and that she is a woman who has self-respect.

7. Having said that, i think it is pointless for these 'raids' by Jabatan Agama Islam.... There are a lot more pressing issues to be dealth with, like ajaran sesat, high corruption, public education, reforming the eduation of Islam for the benefit of younger generations. Moral/akhlak issues are between a person and his/her immediate environment....their family, friends, teachers. It all starts from waaay back when

8. I am an advocate of educating & councelling. As i've said, premarital sex or casual sex or extramarital sex is all a reflection of loose morals...which begs the question of their upbringing. Parents should really educate their kids about the true value of sex...it is incredibly sad to see people being punished for their natural God-given urges. Or are the parents themselves behaving like reckless teenagers in heat, with their own porn stash and extra-marital affairs?

I guess that's sufficient for my 'lepas geram'. Let's all work & pray for a better future.

Polygamy?

2010-02-06T20:56:00.002+08:00

This point of view just came to me yesterday for some reason.

Perhaps one could view the allowance of polygamy in Islam through the lens of early feminism. It could be a way of saying :

" Yeah if u still wanna go & f*ck around even though you're married then go ahead; but you're gonna have to marry that woman too. You gotta treat her well, provide for her & care for her as you do your wife. There aint no such thing as free bonus 'ride' for you, honey!
And if you STILL wanna go ahead and pursue that subsequent marriage, you can only do so with blessing from your wife. If she is kind or unconditionally patient then fine, you're safe. Otherwise you'll find yourself facing divorce, annulment or other forms of dissolution and by that you have already incurred the wrath & heartache of God for executing His least favoured of righteous acts."

Just a thought.

Doctor, doctor

2010-02-03T04:18:00.003+08:00

As I awaken at 2am from my slumber, realizing I haven't done the presentation slides of my ICU patient, I sat on my desk and turned on my laptop. I then proceed to Facebook and Farmville, harvested my crops, commented on walls, and read a few posts. So ingrained is my routine of delaying unpleasantness, i now function my best once the world has gone to sleep. Not to mention i have grown disturbingly comfortable and skilled at churning out just-enough-for-passing-grade academic assigntments in a matter of hours. Perhaps it is now evident that i am no workaholic.

Anyway. I've been wanting to lay my opinions on the recycled issue concerning doctors : that there aren't enough doctors in Malaysia.
http://www.bharian.com.my/Current_News/BH/Wednesday/Mutakhir/20100127125427/Article/
Pure hogwash. The statement was probably true a few years back, but now with more than 20 medical schoold in Malaysia, plus the many more studying overseas, pretty soon Malaysia will be flooded with doctors. Even now, there are too many students-per-teacher, and in the working world, too many House Officers per ward.

What we need are better doctors, or perhaps more doctors with better mindsets. Ask the question, why does it seem we never have enough doctors?

Number 1, its the massive amounts of patients. Not just the usual Monday crowd (MC-seekers.) Its not that Malaysians are a sickly bunch, but most Malaysians are not medically-literate and come in too late, usually from very preventable complications. It is obvious that they have no idea what is going on with them especially when they come thinking 'angin' is the root of all evil. Headache= angin, abdominal pain = angin, chest tightness = angin, shooting nerve pain down the leg = angin. But, one good thing with these patients is that they are more likely to stick to one doctor, although by no means are they more compliant to medication and therapeutic advice.

Number 2, the certain bunch of demanding patients. Not every headache is a brain tumour, and most headaches dont need a demand for a CT scan. Dont believe everything you see on Spektra or House or Grey's. Doctors in private hospitals would probably entertain such requests, because they dont have a long waiting list plus the extra money in their pocket, justified as "for the patient's own ease of mind". Wouldn't it be better if these resources are used for the people who actually need it? In government hospitals, the doctors would tell you to go fly kite...then doctors get the bad press. These bunch of patients are the ones who go 'doctor hopping', which is not good. One visit to a doctor who didnt 'cure' them, they find another doctor a few days later who can give 'better medicine'. This is potentially dangerous because without existing records, there is no continuity of care.

Here's an example of unrealistic expectations of a patient :
http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/index.php/opinion/sazlin-daud/47633-doctor-doctorcant-you-see-im-waiting-waiting

But of course, doctors are not without faults. More often than not they are too focused on what they need to do for/to the patient that they forgot that they have not explained much to the patient what is going on. I've read somewhere that doctors overestimate the time they spend with patients by 900%. Now as a student, that is where i come in. Whenever i speak to my patients, young or old, i try my best to talk to them as friends. Hopefully if they are receptive, then they feel more at ease and open to ask me stuff, and I will gladly explain what i know about their condition.

For example, my Gynaecology patient was admitted for heavy periods, but she was also desperate to conceive and she asked me to help her understand the various methods of assisted conception. Then there was this man at the ENT clinic whose wife was having her ear examined & cleaned because an insect flew in it. We were both looking at the monitor (along with many other nurses & medical students) and i just asked him what happened. Then i just pointed to the screen and told him that the white thing was the eardrum, and that was where the insect was attached too. The a big ooooOOhhh came from him, learning a bit of trivia, almost with a hint of amazement for seeing an actual eardrum for the first time. Also like my uncle, curiously listening to his son's heartbeat with my stethoscope. Then there was this man back in Klang who had a heart valve condition (if i'm not mistaken) and having students flock around him day-in and day-out to have a listen at his heart. His daughter was there when it was my turn, and I told them that because of his condition his heart sound was different from the norm, and as students we had to learn to differentiate. I also demonstrate how it was different, and if i remember correctly i even offered my stethoscope.

PATIENT EDUCATION. Get them interested with their own health and illness. No time to counsel? Provide useful reference or websites. In short, i completely disagree with extending compulsory government service. I also believe that as long we provide f.o.c healthcare, peeple will not wise-up and take responsibility of their health, because they do not understand the cost of the medications & equipment used. I am of the opinion that the resources should be focused on patient education and more community outreach programmes. Don't even get me started on medical tourism. Look inwards and improve the health of Malaysian citizens first before offering 7-star treatment to foreign patrons. To paraphrase a Malay proverb : dont go breastfeed baby monkey in jungle while your own baby dying of hunger.

Time to get back to calculating my patient's potential death risk.... (does anybody know how to work the APACHE score??)

You Got Mail

2010-01-19T01:39:00.002+08:00

My grandmother sent me an SMS earlier today saying a package just arrived for me from Australia. I've got a package!!! No, not a-dick-in-a-box a la Justin Timberlake, (neither do i wish to receive one...its just creepy) but rather a small parcel I've been expecting; a gift from my oldest friend in every way, Sufia.

And behold! As if right on cue (with reference to my previous post) it is a small Quran with english translation. Somehow i knew that that was the thing she wanted to give me...after all a few months back i did ask if she knew where i could get 1 for myself; and i wanted it to be in english, and prefereably not Shakespearean english, but she had given hers away to someone. Put it this way : if I was going to get a Quran from someone, it would either be from Sufia or MJ (Maktok Jumabee, my paternal grandmother).

A few months back, i received a package from the UK. This time it was academic; I had asked Ili Liyana for a copy of the BNF (British National Formulary) which is like a 'dictionary for drugs'...they get it f.o.c there while here in Malaysia the price is around RM100!!

Then a few weeks before that, i received the most adorable home-made (or at least self-modified) card from another of my favourite-test people on earth : Azlaili!!! All the way from Savannah, Georgia...partying in the USA. A card for no special occasion, just an old-fashioned token of friendship to say 'hey' and 'be happy' and 'all the best for everything'. Opening that little envelope made my day.

Isn't it fun to open mail, cards, and personal letters? Perhaps i'll take this moment to lament on the fact that most of the time nowadays the postal service is used for bills, formal application forms/notifications, advetisements and catalogues. At least this is the case for my mother back in Penang....and my grandmother in PJ (except that she looks forward to her subscription of National Geographic / TIME / Readers Digest among other things). I remember the days, about 15 years ago (damn! damn!) back in school, it was so much fun slipping Hari Raya or Chinese New Year or Deepavali or Christmas cards into my classmates' desk or bags. Or receiving birthday cards and presents....something tangible that i can hold.

Nowadays, with the advent of handphones, SMS, emails and social networking sites, all wishes are conveyed via Facebook wall, or hp inbox, or Friendster page. The most personal thing you'll get is a phone call, and I appreciate them dearly (especially due to its sheer scarcity). Quoting Azlaili, Facebook dilutes friendship. Technology is not without its perks, but i believe it is limited to the sake of connectivity and networking. Nothing can substitute face-to-face encounters. The best substitue to that are letters (not emails!!) and phone calls, because there is always that 'personal touch' and effort. I call often and I love to meet up, but I'm guilty of not writing...I hardly give presents coz I never know what to buy!

Perhaps I'll start sending out letters/cards like my friends, paying it forward. Reciprocity. That is the key to make anything work. Maybe it will even be therapeutic for me, and hopefully bring some joy in their lives. First, i'll have to imrpove my penmanship and buy nice cards coz it will be horrible for me to attempt 'decorating' them.

That's all. Till next time, good night.

24 = Jack Bauer?

2010-01-14T22:08:00.002+08:00

Hahaha, I wish! Well its 2010, and I turn 24 in May. Does that mean i can also turn into super-cool multipotential CTU Federal Agent Jack Bauer, from the TV series 24? Unfortunately, no.
With a heavy heart I must admit that i am now in my mid-twenties... no longer a teen/adolescent...not even a young adult anymore.

Perhaps after 2 weeks of writing on heavy stuff (refer my previous posts) both on my blog & on my Facebook, i finally came to the realization (yet again) that :
1) i am not governing this country
2) i am not a politician
3) the decision-makers of Malaysia aren't listening to me speficially, thus what i have to say makes no difference whatsoever
4) last but not least, the most important of all........... I am still a medical student, undergrad, i am nobody...YET

And with that, i revert to lighter issues such as how much i adore the movie Sherlock Holmes, or my newfound admiration for the writings of Farish A. Noor, the chocolate fondue party i hosted in my hostel room, my awesome weekend with my favourite friend oNe, reflecting on my long overdue workout session....and perhaps most urgently (yet least impotant to me) my assignments & reports and their sneaky deadlines.

Nevermind that, what I do want to write about is this : I turn 24 this year, so what do i want to achieve? Here's a bunch of things i wanna do before i turn 30. In no particular order:
1) learn Mandarin
2) learn guitar
3) study the Al-Quran
4) lose weight!!!!
5) be able to cook basic meals
6) pave my way for medical-related community outreach programmes, or Drs without borders
7) decide & proceed with my post-grad specialty of choice
8) road trip around Malaysia (the Peninsular at least!)
9) back-packing / travel to Europe or US
10 ) revisit & relive my love of performing arts

10 things. Even if i dont manage to check all of them, i'll be happy. Also, i made it a point to write down only the things that are within my control; not things like get married & hv 2 kids & hv RM******* in my account & migrate to Maldives. I think my dreams are somewhat attainable, dont you think?

I guess that's all for tonight. I'd better get cracking on my case reports & prepare for the viva tomorrow. Wish me luck!!

Why, Malaysia, WHY!!!

2010-01-05T20:16:00.003+08:00

Perhaps it is time for another blog post. Today i've been reading a lot about Malaysia's current 'hot' debate about The Herald, a Christian/Catholic publication wanting to use 'Allah' as a substitute word for God in their newspaper and Malay-language bibles. The Malaysian Courts have approved the use of 'Allah'; the reverend is smiling in victory and the government is planning to appeal the decision. The rakyat? Extremely divided; some furious, some preaching to others about how good it is, others say it really doesn't matter. To me, there are two parts to this :
1) Is it legal? YES, i agree with the courts. No need to overcrowd the jails.
2) Is it right? Is this morally correct? NO.

Mostof the arguments (that i've read) against the decision can be divided into 3 :
1) This act is tampering with the sanctity of Islam - I agree with this, and will elaborate later
2) This is an act of the Christians in an attempt to confuse/distort and destroy Islam - bullshit
3) This is a political strategy by UMNO to win the votes of the Malay majority once the court's verdict is overturned, thus they appear triumphant as defenders of Islam - i dont give 2 shits about politics

The people who support the decision give these reasons :
1) God has no objections to what He is called, because He is there for all mankind
2) The word 'Allah' itself predates Islam, and is still currently being used by those of other religions especially in the Arab countries
3) Other religions such has Sikhism also mentions Allah in their teachings, so 'Allah' is not exclusive to Islam

" What's in a name? That which we call a rose; by any other name would smell as sweet " - Romeo and Juliet, by William Shakespeare.

EVERYTHING is in a name. Although the quote rings true but to me, it only works in a private, smaller-scale. The minute you were born, before you even get to develop your own individuality, you've been given a name. Nicknames come and go, they change over time, but your name stays with you till the end. It becomes a part of you, and at a mere mention the people around you know who you are and have a mental picture of what you're like. You wouldn't call you kid 'girl' or 'boy' for the rest of their life; the name is a show of love. Say MAHATHIR and the world knows who i'm talking about. Say Prime Minister of Malaysia, and it could be one of many. Similarly, you say God, peeple relate it to who you pray to, 1 or many, trancending religion. You say ALLAH, anywhere in the world and they know you are referring to Allah in association with Islam. Common sense.

To Muslims, Allah is not just a word. It is an entity, the diety to ehom we pray to, who we come from, who we return to, The One and Only God. In Malaysia, most of the Christian subgroubs believe in The Holy Trinity; whereby God exists as or is a combination of 3 forms/entities, The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost/Spirit. In Nomine Patri, et Fili et Spiritus Sancti. The Father is God; Jesus Christ is The Son (of God) and is God's presence on earth, it is only through Jesus can they find God and salvation; The Holy Spirit is somewhere between the two...i dont know much, i aint Christian nor am I a theology major. Catholicism adds another prayer for the Holy Mother Mary.

In Netherlands back in 2007, Bishop Tiny Muskens wanted people to start referring to God as Allah. A survey in Netherland's biggest-selling newspaper De Telegraaf found 92% of the over 4000 people in the poll disagreed with the bishop, who also drew ridicule. One man wrote "sure. Let's call God Allah. Let's call a church a mosque and pray 5 times a say. Ramadan sounds like fun". Read the full article at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20279326/.

Naturally, the Christian community would respond :
http://www.christianpost.com/article/20070823/is-calling-the-christian-god-allah-wrong/index.html
In this article, they concluded that it is fundamentally WRONG to say Allah and God are the same, because of what i mentioned earlier (the different concept of God in both Islam and Christianity).

So I really don't see why Reverend Lawrence Andrew insists on using 'Allah'. Yes it WILL be confusing, but not to fully-practicing Muslims. What about new converts a.k.a muallafs? What about children? He insists that there is no suitable word to use for translation, that Tuhan or Lord is inadequate, that it does not convey what they wish to deliver. Let me ask you another question. You translate the bible to Tamil and Mandarin as well, but do you attempt to equate God to Krishna/Vishnu/Shiva/Murugan/Saraswathy or Buddha/Confucius? is it really a language barrier? Does it mean that much to you to use 'Allah', which is just a word to you, as a tool while on the other hand Allah is the centre and the holiest of our religious teachings? Does it really mean that much to you as it does to us?

The arguement that the word 'Allah' predates Islam, yes i agree. Yes, it is still being used in Arab countries by people of other religions to mean God...I say, SO WHAT? It is their culture, it doesnt bother them. Are we to absorb every single piece of foreign culture that remotely brushes against ours? Also, a simple Wikipedia search would tell you that in the Arab countries, when Christians use 'Allah', they use at as Allah al-'ab or Allah al-ibn to denote God the Father and God the Son, respectively. They have their own Arabic 'Bismillah' to say "In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost", their translation to In Nomine Patri, et Filli et Spiritus Sancti; whereas the Muslim 'Bismillah' translates as In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious and Most Merciful.

Is this just another political ploy? God I hope not (pun intended). If it is then it's just too much. It is a very delicate issue; everything is when it comes to any religion. Is it really the age-old conspiracy theory about Christians or Jews trying to destroy Islam? if you ask me, you'll find a conspiracy theory anywhere about anything if you look hard enough.

I guess that's it. I've said enough. At the end of they day, when you walk into a Christian house you're not gonna find an embroided 'Allah' on the wall, it's still a crucifix hanging up there.
Give it up.

My 2₵ on Fatine

2010-01-04T11:08:00.004+08:00

OK so this may be a little late, but apparently even until now I can't let the topic slide.

I read an article somewhere on the internet where this supposedly conservative MP was backing Fatine up, urging her to return to Malaysia. He said something about Fatine being khunsa; of course many comments that followed the article protested greatly. Was Fatine/Fadzil really a khunsa? What IS a khunsa?

Back in school, especially when we were being thought about 'sembahyang jemaah', the definition of khunsa that was fed to our young minds was of a person with both male and female genitalia. A khunsa may be imam to women but not to men, and a khunsa may not marry unless to another khunsa (correct me if i'm wrong about the marriying part).

Now, after almost 5 years in Medical School, learning a brief stint of Embryology (the study of human development, from development of sperms/ovum to zygote, a mass of cells and eventually a fully-formed human being; and everything that can go wrong) as well as Paediatrics (especially with regard to genetic anomalies and congenital/birth defects) I can tell you that such condition does nit exist. No person has 2 external genitalia. However, what does happen is that a baby is born with Ambiguous Genitalia. To simplify, the clitoris may be large and looks like a penis, or the penis is small and that the scrotum is not formed properly and ends up looking like the labia. That, is just the genitals.

Usually it happens secondary to some form of hormonal irregularities, or abnormalities that occur during the reproductive development of the fetus. Some may physically appear like a normal female, but genetically they are XY and may have testes when further invastigated. Some may be XX, but due to an overactive adrenal gland they may look like men, with deep voices and a full beard, a penis-like clitoris, etc. Nowadays in the West, they call this group of people Intersex. I dont want to elaborate on the various different conditions, because i'm not planning to write a medcal textbook. Just google 'Intersex' and you'll get more than enough. or, read Jefferey Euginides' Pulitzer Prize-winning book, Middlesex. Available in Borders.

Anyway. Let me get to my point. For the transsexuals you see everywhere, like Fatine (I assume), most of them have none of the conditions I've mentioned above because otherwise they would definitely be treated either since birth or extremely-delayed puberty. These people believe they were born in the wrong body, assigned to the wrong gender. My question to you is : Are these people Intersex? can they be considered as Khunsa?

Before you answer, I want you to ponder for a moment. Do you believe in the soul? Do you believe in the mind? Do you ackhowledgne fields like Psychology and Psychiatry? If you answered YES, then you believe that the mind and the soul has its share of illness and troubles. Schizophrenic patients believe (among other things) that the government is tracking their every move. So severe is their belief that most of them (who hv not received treatment) live in fear, afraid to leave the house, never trusting people because anyone can be a government spy. These are their delusions; false and abnormal situations/events that they believe to be real. Now think about the transexual who looks at his own male body and think it is wrong, that they dont belong in this physique. He convinced that he is a woman, depite everything that points otherwise ; his family, his physique, his chromosomes, his hormones. In the West, this condition is known as Gender Dysphoric Disorder, and it is a psychiatric condition. After much extensive councelling, and if the psychological dilemma/trauma is still not lifted, only then Gender Reassignment is prescribed, starting with hormones and eventually surgery. No going back.

What happens in Malaysia is this : if you have the congenital abnormalities mentioned earlier, then gender 'altering' surgery is done; (female-male)the clitoris is shrunk n they'll be on hormones for life. Its not called gender reassignment. Gender reassignment per se such as for the trans community is illegal here. Psychiatric help, i'm not too sure but generally speaking there are waay too few psychiatrists around which is why not all hospitals have a psychiatry Department. So these trans individuals, what do they do? they take hormone pills which are most likely smuggled from Indonesia. they start dressing like women, talking like women, mixing around with women. Once the physical effects of the estrogen takes place, they start being marginalized because people aren't sure if they're men or women. Alpha-males, the "macho men' (whom I despise, for the record) will most definitely make them the butt of their jokes, or sodomize them as a show of 'power', because these people have 'castrated' themselves, by giving up their masculinity. From what i've read, these trans community have a hard time getting jobs due to discrimination (but i see them so ofther in Body Shop, trying to make me put on make-up) so they end up in the sex industry (think, Lorong Haji Taib).

Ok. Now that I've asked you to ponder on the definition on khunsa, intersex and gender dysphoria, i have another point to raise : if these people truly desire to become and live as a woman, meaning their sole concern is their gender itself, how come all of them behave as only 1 type of women, the so-called 'modern' 'chic' 'westernized' 'liberated' type? How come none of them live moderately, even conservatively/traditionally? If any of you watched the movie Transamerica, starring Felicity Huffman as a transsexual (her Oscar-nominated role), she lived her life quietly, goes to church, makes peace with her family, etc. In Malaysia, these bunch go clubbing, drink alcohol, engage in casual sex. Wanna know how to spot a transexual? look for the one with the fake eyelashes, ridiculous heels and the plunging neckline. Its as if once they decided they are women, they are no longer Malay nor Islam. So it begs the question : what IS their primary motivation? What is their problem? Is it that once you embrace an unconventional decision, you have to embrace the other non-conventional norms of your society?

whew, that's a long one. So these are my thoughts on the issue. Do share yours. Take care.

Money Matters?

2010-01-01T16:46:00.005+08:00

The incoherent thoughts of this particular girl is put into words once again. This time, after a typical one-sided conversation with my grandmother about family and property.

The way i see it, there are two types of people : the Business-minded, and the Charity-minded. At least in my immediate society, it is always the former that gets the praises & credits. Why? They are creative, full of initiative, opportunistic, and usually successful. It was only in recent years that i've grown to loathe these group of people. Nowadays, i am more inclined towards charity. I am not a saint, and i'm not blowing my trumpet. Its a fact.

I never really understood why people want so much; why most of them say that they 'have to work very hard'. One may argue that i come from a wealthy family, that i have never known financial hardship. Let me make one thing very clear : my FAMILY is wealthy, not me. I dont have a scholarship, so i survive on the monthly allowances my parents give. My car was a gift from my mum because she viewed it a necessity. To me, it was a bonus. I was getting along fine hopping trains & buses.

The business minded. They buy & rent out properties...they set up shop somewhere & start selling things...and they do this in addition to their (usually) adequately-paying full-time job. My question is, WHY? I dont understand the need of taking on additional responsibilities, especially when one is living comfortably as it is. On campus, i see students joining direct-selling groups (which i believe 100% are scams) or renting our their cars. Why? Most likely explanation is that they've spent their allowance on rebonding, or the RM100 present they bought for their girlfriend/boyfriend, bought a new digital camera or topping up the balance when trading in their mobile phones for a newer model. WHY? Apparently all these have become standard 'necessities'. I see fresh, fresh graduates fussing over car payments. Its all for luxury. Just car pool, or take the train. Best example : squatter houses with the ASTRO dish.Keep your money for God's sake. Why do you want to start out in debt? In the end, they complain of having too much 'commitment', 'responsibilities' and can't manage, completely burned out. May i be blunt and say that people own these things because they can afford it; they dont need extra jobs to make it happen. The reason I have all these things is because my parents can afford these things because of their surplus in income, not for the sake of providing them for me. I have these things because i can afford it; you, dont.

My own father was telling me the other day,that he has no money, because what he has now is solely his resource to support him & his wife throughout retirement. We were in his car (mind you, a now 10-year-old S-class Mercedes Benz) mentally doing the math of how much he really needs on a monthly basis. Guess what, it amounted to RM 10,000 a month which i think is completely excessive. I've met patients with 6 kids living with salaries of less than RM1000 a month, and they are FINE. There he is living in a luxury penthouse, smoking Cuban cigars every night, driving an S-class, buying designer shoes & handbags for his wife, spending RM85000 on a watch for himself, buying >RM1000 Mont Blancs as 'stationery', with 6 laptops lying around the house among his blackberry and cutting-edge digital cameras...and you wanna tell me you dont have money? F**K OFF. The only reason you 'dont hv money' is because you want to live like Beckham. Move to a smaller apartment, get a practical car and quit spending on unnecessary things and you'll already have enough to live 100 years.

Back to topic. Its greed. Pure and simple. It may not start out that way, but all business-minded people will reach that state.

I admit, i myself want a cushy lifestyle and i'm happy as long as I have money in reserve to spend when i need, for whatever reason. Anything more than that, i have completely no use for...and i can bet there are a lot of others our there who could use some extra cash. When i was in primary school, talking to a classmate of mine...i just learned that her father was a labourer, 'pekerja buruh'. I felt bad, because i had RM2 in my pocket, and i dont know how much she had. Bear in mind, i was probably 11 at the time, with very little tact but a naive, well-meaning heart. I assumed that she must surely be poor, and i felt sad for her, almost guilty, so i tried to slip a 50sen coin into her pencilcase. She, of course, protested. It has only occured to me now how condecending my actions were, but neither of us felt that way; she knew i just wanted to help.

Personally, i just want enough to support my livelihood. I wish more people would stop trying to chase for wealth. Even now, as a student, i can save RM50-RM100 a month if i dont self-indulge. What more when i work? How much do i really need for myself? I could keep all that money and either give it to charity homes, or i could set them aside as a fund for my own doctors-without-borders project. Free medical treatment or medical education to the rural areas. Adopt a child, a teenager, sponsor their education. Feel too icky about strangers? Then i'm sure you have poorer relatives, or friends, or children of friends. It really doesnt take much. Dont have money? Give your time, lend an ear. You dont have to go so far out to seek strangers. Answer me : when was the last time u had a chat with YOUR grandmother? Or did something for someone just for the sake of it and not because they asked you to? Who is the person working next to you, what is their story? Catch up with an old friend over a cup of coffee.

Charity. It really doesnt take much. Does a person really need three houses as an investment?

I guess that's all. As i've mentioned earlier, i apologize for my incoherence. Till next time, ciao!

Dima VS Home Lighting

2009-10-19T02:34:00.003+08:00

OK. On good days, i'm the type to attempt things myself rather than ask for help. So for things like changing lightbulbs, changing toilet seat covers, cleaning sink traps, re-glueing parquet pieces or attaching pan handles, i can manage.

The light over my dressing table had been flickering for weeks then one day i noticed it was dim. The light was still on, so it means the bulb wasn't blown, right? So i reached to the next logical conclusion : it was a starter problem. I know what the starter looks like...small white cylindrical thing below the fluorescent bulb mount. I know i can buy them at hardware or electrical stores. I assumed i could fix it; just remove it, take it to the store n get the exact one and put it back on...just like a lightbulb. Sadly, I was wrong.

I had gone through the trouble of removing the big sheet of glass which was the 'roof' of my dresser (the lightbulb was in the 'attic')...it was heavy!! Almost as tall as i am. Took the fluarescent bulb off then tried to pull the starter out. No can do. Unscrew the mount. There u go. Wires. Now why didnt i think of that? And so, without any further knowledge or equipment i put things back to the way they were before. Hey i'm no electrician; i'v only got the knowlegde of electric & appliance up to Form 3 living skills.

Guess i gotta call the electrician. Might as well have him do my bathroom lights : now that, is a lightbulb problem. Why wont i do it myself? Because its just to damn hard getting a 7-foot ladder up a narrow spiral staircase.

You know one thing i frequently wish i'm good at? Mechanics. Yep. Back in living skills class, learning about radiators and carburetors... then of course once i started driving come the multiple visits to the mechanic for various reasons. i think it'd be so cool if i knew how to do stuff like that. You know what, i'll go out on a limb and say i bet i can change a tyre. I'd love to try on a basic car. The last time i had a flat was on my Suzuki 4x4, and it required TWO jacks to lift. Too much for a beginner. Haha.

Well i guess i'll go to sleep n dream of Me the Mechanic...not the Megan Fox a.k.a Mikaela, but my own version : white tank top, greasy denim overalls, converse lace-up sneakers and a black baseball cap. Good night.

The Measure of Acceptance

2009-10-07T02:44:00.003+08:00

27th September 2009

"No man is happy wihtout a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities." - Christian Nevell Bovee

Pain. Emotional turmoil. Some literature even use the term psyche-ache. It is very real and sadly, it will happen from time to time regardless of causation or circumstance. For the most of us, we respond in a similar fashion, going through many phases as time goes on. This progression (although i may be speaking mainly of loss and rejection), as followers of pop psychology would know is called The 5 stages of Grief/Breavement :

1) Denial - this is not happening to me! it's not real...
2) Anger - why the hell would anyone do that!? *&^$@!!! they deserve to die!!!
3) Bargaining - is there something i can do to undo this? can you take it back?
4) Depression - i've failed. i screwed up. its never going to be ok. its no good.
5) Acceptance - its ok. bad things just happen.

What is the measure of acceptance? Is it when the cause & effects of the pain are diluted by time, only to exist as a memory? Is it when one can go on with their usual routine and do other things, so-called 'moving on'?

Many would disagree with me, but my answer is NO. All that is just a clever compartmentalisation and the real issue of ACCEPTANCE has yet to be dealt with. Having gone through stages 1-4 then simply saying 'bad things just happen'...to me is another form of denial. Why? because the magnitude of your pain has been diminished into an afterthought. It is not being given its true credit and acknowledgement, and you would not have learnt anything from it. In the future, should you be so unlucky to find yourself in the same predicament, or become face to face with something so familiar that it triggers all those emotions again...the cycle of bereavement continues and you'd feel even worse, victimised by things beyond your control.

Acceptance, is the most bitter pill of all. During my recovery from depression, i've gone over facts and replayed situations in my head so many times (we've all done that before) thus pulling myself apart then forcing myself to snap back to focus on daily tasks. One day it dawned on me : I realized, i cannot fault someone for living their life; no matter how much it pains me to no longer be a part of it. It doesn't matter whether i was rejected or unfairly treated or left behind. It doesn't matter what they say, regardless how it contradicts your own memories and feelings...that is their story. This is the reality of the saying 'two sides of the same coin'. I had to trust my instincts, my own inner voice, because that is my gift.

Does it matter, if i still shed tears walking down memory lane? Not anymore. These are tears of love, of forgiveness, and of personal growth. The tears are an acknowledgement of what has happened, and no longer of grief. This is what it means to let go. This, is acceptance.

A Voice Within

2009-09-15T01:32:00.002+08:00

Whenever I lay down to sleep at night, I find my mind wandering. Reflecting on the day's events, a trip to the past, pondering on future undertakings. Then i start talking to myself and question everything. My mistake of the past few years was believing that my brain was the superior inner voice and thus i had to oblige, despite of difficulty, uneasiness, and challenges. Undoubtedly this has pushed me to to succeed, with ability to see the rationale of things, made me decide to do things i would normally delay or shy away from...all because i can weigh the pros and cons, see the obvious shortcomings of the situations to stay away from or take risks that seem unnecessary.

But when you lay in the quiet stillness of the night and talk to yourself, there are always two voices : one asking the questions, and the other giving the answers. There is always one voice that drills into you 'the realities of life', of responsibilities and obligations; and the other voice that soothes and tells you that things are manageable, 1 step at a time. The first voice is one that comes from the brain, 'the voice of reason' so to speak. And the other, comes from your soul and this is 'the voice within'.

This inner voice, I belive, comes from a place of calmness, kindness and compassion. It is a presence, that you can feel around some people whenever you speak to them and suddenly feel safe, like everything will be alright. You just feel like opening up, telling them everything that has happened in your life, even though you're newly acquainted. Everyone possesses this quality, but very few channel it to shine through. The demands of everyday life has subconsciously programmed people to exist at a 'functional' level. Social contacts are many yet shallow, with very few going beyond the daily hellos and occasional coffee...be it family, friends or colleagues.

I believe this inner voice is a blend of our conscience, spirituality and intuition. Listen to it. It speaks of your deepest desires and needs. It is the truest form of expression, it speaks of your inner hopes and enlightens our quiet desperations. It is not easy to hear this voice, with the mess of everyday demands or deadlines getting in the way. Perhaps, this is the reason any spiritual leaders advocate meditation. In the past, all the gurus, philosophers, prophets, artists, writers, scholars...all whom we draw inspiration from, they all meditate...eventually they hit a stroke of brialliance, an epiphany, a breakthrough. And it is at this moment, I believe, that the inner voice comes from God. Even Nabi Muhammad received the words of God being by himself, meditating in the cave. It is a voice of warmth, and of love.

Do not push aside this inner voice. On many occasions, i believe it has helped me resolved many subconscious entanglements that i just couldnt see. It helped me see my mother's unending lonliness, my friend's unspoken pain, a friend's unadressed guilt, my sister's mounting tensions, my own forgotten dreams. Long before this epiphany, i've known that i've always done my best to remain open and sincere, searching for this deeper understanding with the people i meet. It truly is a gift to be able to share warmth with those around you. Listen to the voice and let it out, by word or action, or even presence. Its truth need not be spoken but to be sensed. And just as its presence, its withdrawal can be felt too.

I am glad to be able to jot this down, as many more of my philosophical journeys have been lost due to the lack of writing material or internet connection. Well, this lesson that i learnt about listening to my inner voice is one i do not wish to let go. The voice of reason shall play a lesser role for no human is made entirely of intellect and logic.

So there is, one of my new philosophies. I hope it makes sense to you reading it. Take care.

Faith

2009-08-31T23:00:00.002+08:00

Hello blog.
Its been a while. It is now the end of August. It is also Ramadhan. I took a long break from studies and my classes should start soon. Was it really Depression? Till today, i still haven't got it quite figured out. Is it just a scapegoat for me to blame my troubles? I really don't know. Did my 6-month break change anything? No. Regardless, it was what i needed and i cherished every minute of it.

I am on a strange journey to find myself again. I believe the past holds the key to the future, so i started to do things i haven't done in a long time : painting, exercise, gardening, reconnecting with friends from way back when. Reminded me of how i used to feel being around people : cheerful, confident, funny, in-control. I miss it, being the 'it' girl. The popular kid everyone knows and envies...and trashes on online message boards. It is sad to think that I was the girl who peaked in high school...both SGGS and MRSM. Thereafter, i felt my presence was redundant other than being in the company of my good friends. I could not see beyond what I had lacked; what qualities i 'needed' to be deemed successful in that stage.

Anyway. Juvenile matters aside, I guess in this young adult life i'm pretty much withdrawing into 'the simple life'. During my long break, I felt there's nothing that I look forward to than being home; cooking, cleaning, planting flowers and being with my pets. I want to have the time to myself, be it to go to the gym, or do groceries, get a massage, or just walk around in the mall. Of course this experience would have been much more enjoyable if there was no nagging or poking involved. It is this calm and peace of not having to think of anything or anyone, just to live everyday taking responsibility only for myself...it is somehow liberating. By no means do I wish to shun from society, but in this slower pace I finally had no guilt to express myself. To just stay in bed and cry till my soul had nothing more to give. To take credit on the small things like being able to clean my room or make someone happy for the day.

Within all this little joys, I realized that i view my entire journey in Medicine to be a failure...but it is not! It really isn't, if i listen to the protests from my friends and colleagues, and mum and dad...basically everyone else. I can't see the fact that I am actually doing OK. Not fantastic, but OK. I still have to convince myself. But i realized my skewed perception...that's a start, right?

Something happened last week. Emotionally I was distraught and had been crying for at least 3 days. I called a helpline, and cried some more. Went to see my dad and talk about my studies, then cried some more. A weird feeling came to me : I just wanted to pray, and i did. I cried a mixture of tears...grief, bitterness, anger, confusion, desperation...crying out my prayers, why i just dont understand how things could happen, turning out the way they do no matter how sincere you are and how much you give.... By the end of it, I was sobbing uncontrollably and had to call a friend. I woke up the next day feeling incredibly drained and tired, then it happened : God answered my prayers! He gave me a small piece of this puzzle, to help me with my journey to heal. I'll be honest and say I'm not religious and I don't pray much. But this incident caught me off guard, and i cried some more...bewildered, thankful, and moved because He listened. I won't go so far to say my faith in God and religion is restored or that i am repentant, but I definitely have a lot to think about. I am grateful that it happened to me.

Faith. Faith in oneself, faith in people, faith in a higher power, faith in happy endings. Different people put different emphasis on each one. For me, as long as you don't lose all of them, you can still make it somehow.
Maybe this post is a lil haphazard. But i just had to say something. Come what may. One day this nightmare will end for me. I have faith in that.

It's all about Giving; and Giving It Up

2009-01-23T18:33:00.002+08:00

Greetings. Hello. Shalom. Assalamualaikum. Vannakam.
Welcome to my new location. New year, new blog? Coincidence. Sort of.
Spamming at Friendster drove me away.

But since it IS 2009, I was adamant to make my first blog post in January. Even if it is END of January. There are no resolutions. Not really. Like it says in the topic, its about Giving It Up. Yeap. I've decided to give up two things : Snickers and Nutella. They've been a staple of mine since i was a little girl. Since i'm hardly little and no longer a girl (technically I'm supposed to be a woman now) I might as well say bye bye. As with everything else, they seem bland. Pointless even.

I can't seem to write as well nowadays. It's as if i've got something deliberately putting up writer's blocks the minute i sit in front of a computer. We'll see how it goes. That's all for now.