Ramblings from The East

We meet again, my wonderfully neglected blog.

It has officially been.....37 days since I started working here in Sandakan, Sabah.
Don't get me wrong, I asked to work in Sabah.
I had many reasons actually
- I've never really been far away from my family, and at 28 years old, it is about time i learned to be more independent.
-I wanted a fresh start at things. 10 years in UM is longer than the life i'd lived in Penang. I was getting claustrophobic
-I needed to get away from all the drama, the people, the heartbreak, the frustrations, the empty promises, the so-close-yet-so-far. Enough.
-I wanted to be more hands-on at work. Everyone says you'll get good training in Sabah.
-I definitely don't mind the extra income
-I've had enough of the bureaucracy that money can buy, the ungrateful city dwellers. I'm not running a business, I wanted to provide help where help is needed.

Anyways. I wasn't going in with my eyes closed. I was aware of the 'unregistered population', and the problems of limited resources....but you'll never really know something until you see it first-hand or get smacked in the centre of it.
To me, it is depressing.
The first question when i get a referral, or see a patient breathing with an oxygen mask on her face becomes "Kakak ada IC tak?"
I have no intention of getting into the politics of it all, of how some are citizens and some are not. Have I had any inkling of interest in the political/admin side of things I would have joined politics and believe me i have enough strings to pull for that.

You see, back in med school, and in all the Millennium Development goals, in anything that advocates the growth of a population, the improvement of living standards, the alleviation of poverty and/or suffering; it has always been about Education, and Healthcare.
And here, i see first hand of where both of these have gone wrong in what i can only imagine is the continuation of a vicious cycle that has been inherited through generations.
They dont seek healthcare because they dont know any better, and truthfully, they cant afford any better.
And they arrive in the middle of the night with fantastic time-bombs and complications to the explosive delight of the on-call medical officers.

With limited resources that borderlines on neglect, many are forced to......'improvise'.
Some things seem inhumane, but it really is the only way left. Coming from a cushy, privileged, top notch hospital where i was from, I still havent quite adjusted to that. In all honesty, part of me refuses to. I've been laughed at, by friends in similar situation, for my inability to just do it.
"balik semenanjung je la Dima".

Today i found myself driving aimlessly. Good thing about this place is that it's basically just one long straight road that leads to everywhere. I passed stretches of road bordered by overgrown weeds that are probably more than half my height. I passed bumpy patches with no street lights. I was lost in my thoughts, until i saw Klinik Kesihatan Batu 10, and i thought, "you mean i'm still in Sandakan?".
The iceberg phenomenon dictates that what i see is only 10-20% of the real situation and once again i thought of the patients: is this what some of my patients go through to get to hospital? switching 2 bus rides in unlit roads? some coming by boat from go-knows-what island?
You folks in KL have no idea how good you've got it.

Many times i've been told: i'm an idealist, i only see things a certain way.
And i strive for it, with a hint of perfectionism that more often than not, fails.
And i get disheartened, disappointed.
Conclusion : maladaptive coping skills.

More than ever, the words of my teachers, my seniors, my friends ring strongly in my mind:
Dr. Bharti said "you see, that person may be simply one of your so many patients but to them, you may be the only doctor they ever see"
Dr. Susheela said "i'm surprised that Medicine has not hardened you, which is good...dont lose it"
Dr. Shazni said "sebenarnya kan, the challenge of being a doctor is hati jadi kering"

Well.
I did not remain in this profession to lose my humanity.

Here's to a few more weeks of tagging, skill-acquiring and knowledge reviews.
Cheers.