Do I Forgive You?

Everyone screws up. That's life they say. It's about how you get out of that mess, overcome that obstacle that makes you a better person.

I skip classes. A LOT. Its my biggest practical non-personal/emotional problem these recent years. After all it did cost me a year of medical school.

There are many reasons behind them. Sometimes its my depression : i just cant get our of bed, probably haven't eaten anything substantial in days yet i'd rather be alone in my room than risk seeing another human being. not attending class is both cause & effect of my milder episodes of low mood. Its a vicious cycle i am trying so very hard to break.

The way I see it there are three ways i destroy myself when it comes to my school.

1)deliberately missing class i.e. premeditatedly choosing not to go

2)accidentally missing class i.e. those days i completely get schedules mixed up or murder the alarm clock

3)the self sabotage i.e i have no idea why i missed that class despite being capable & wanting to attend

Scenario 3 is most common. I have no idea why. Sometimes i am already academically and/or physically prepared to go, but just didnt take the first step out of my door. Sometimes i am completely unprepared despite knowing it is my turn to present or to shine and just skip the class. Or i go and then feel horrible and project a negative outlook on the rest of the days. Sometimes i have all the time & interest in the world but something holds me back and i procrastinate until it is impossible to do a decent assignment.

Do you see the pattern of self-sabotage? I am setting myself up for failure and I dont know why!!! This train is on autopilot and i've almost exhausted my faculties trying to change it.

I have no idea the reasons behind my hesitations and reservations. I can only do guesswork and take in outsider input. They slap the label LAZY, some will suggest an underlying fear, some say i'm in the wrong field which is why it seems so difficult to do the simplest things like get-up-and-go in the mornings. Me? i think its the prediction i made many years ago when applying into medical school : i said to my father; i'm not worried about the academics, it is the practical side i'm scared of coz i'm never been good with practical stuff.

so you see...now being in clinical years, the final years...it is all about proving yourself in the shoes of the doctor and it terrifies me. No matter how many classmates & friends reassure me that i am doing well and that i have great confidence, I just cant shake it. I am paralysed at the mere thought of potentially doing something wrong and embarassing myself. Yet i know i have to get over this....else i'd never move on.

See how i dissect myself? No wonder I barely have energy for anything else. But if I dont scrutinize myself noone will help me find my answers. Who gives a fuck if outsiders like a certain awang doesnt understand.

So. can i forgive myself for missing classes?

Quarter of a Century

Today, 2 days after my birthday and i am still enjoying the spoils : had carrot cake with the yummu cream cheese frosting (courtesy of my ex-roomate, Syu) and a nice cup of Nescafe for my breakfats...bliss

I had so much fun over my birthday weekend that i just had to write about it. I think I can honestly say that i've never been so child-like excited over my birthday in years...you can almost see that conical birthday hat on my head. I'm happy and i love it.

May 15th 2011, i turned 25...exactly 25 years ago my mum, aged 25 gave birth to me.

I'd say my birthday festivities started the day before, on saturday. A friend of mine asked to go ice-skating...i haven't done so in at least 5 years; i want sure i'd even remember how to do it!! I've been putting off going skating with friends on account of conflicting schedules & my mood lows...so i immediately said yes. afterall its more friend going with someone than by yourself, right?

And yeah, i was shaking as hell!! a stark contrast to the carefree gliding i did 5 years back. I believe its my restless unconscious afriad of losing control & embarassment at work. Took me a while to get into the flow of things. Hehehe. The experience was fun, and therapeutic. You see, the last time i went skating was with someone really personal to me...and mind you she was a definite rookie, and i was guiding her through it. So, i has always wanted to come back...the same way i wanna go back to Genting....just to have one last hold on memories and say goodbye.

Of course, my new friend had no idea of this and we just chat and had fun....and had a massive sushi dinner afterwards. I was so stuffed, felt like a curry puff. I had fun. Then i sent him off, and got myself ready for the K.I.D.S Malaysia meeting that night.... The meeting ran till almost 1am. Needless to say, I slept like a log which in itself, was fun!

The next morning, my birthday. I spent the entire day checking on Facebook, responding to all the birthday wishes. I guess its the modern-day substitute to an old fashioned Birthday Card. I responded to the wished individually (all 80+ of them!!), just because I was so excited and wanted to show my appreciation to my friends. I felt so loved. Virtually.

Later that evening i went over to dad's and all of us (with my stepmum's family) went for a steamboat dinner. Very appropriate to the rainy weather outside. We went back home, and had a mini-celebration with something cake-like : Mercedes de Brasso...something they brought from the Phillippines. On the outside its marshmallowey. with a creamy caramel custard centre. So that was my 'birthday cake'. After that, karaoke! It was fun, albeit low-key...suitable with the older age group. Haha. I had the higherst solo score for the night!!! what song was it? I think it was Richard Marx, Right Here Waiting...wohoo!

Monday, i was oncall at the Psychiatric clinic. Ultimately no patients for me to clerk. That afternoon, Syu gave me a real slice of cake : the carrot cake. Too bad i had to cut short my time with her as i had a Dr's appointment. Hey, even the appointment was fun. Later i went to LCCT, met Sufia & Hazirah (among my favourite people on this earth)...I'm so thankful i still have them; we're all 25, and have been friends for more than 18 years. Gossips & bombshells were dropped, and we had to part ways.

I made dinner plans with MJ in Shah Alam. Saw my lovely cutie-pie cousins Irfan & Alya. As if they know it was my birthday, they were exceptionally friendly to me. And you know what, when my paksu came home, they had a surprise birthday celebration with me. Dim lights, a beautiful brownie with lit candles from the kitchen to a completely surprised & unsuspecting me. Of course the kids blew the candles with me, sang & clapped their hands along.

I am just so happy. I wish this feeling will last. I'm just gonna ride the wave till it fades.

And so... HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY, DIMA MARLINA.
Wishing you all the love and happiness this world can bring; and may you have love & success in your life ahead.

The Gameplan

We're scheduled to have our K.I.D.S meeting sometime next week. I'm raher excited. Things have been quite on-air since the the last meeting, and everyone else busy with work. I'm the only student in the management team, but hey, nothing wrong in that.

As i mentioned before, my official title is as Vice-President. But i am also the head of operations, healtchare programme coordinator and the acting nutrition programme coordinator (she is currently super-swamped with her job as an on-site geologist). Its ok, since i spend a lot of my time thinking about K.I.D.S anyway, trying to come up with ideas and looking for loose ends to tie up & patch up.

I've had a lot of headache with the healthcare programme. However, things cleared up u bit with Albi's help : she voluntarity stepped in to temporarily handle the healthcare branch. Eventually, i managed to draft up the plans & also managed to contact MEDSTAS UMS (medical students from Universiti Malaysia Sabah). The idea is so they could help organize annual health check for these kids. They seem interested, but further discussions & red-tape stuff will be needed. Aside from that, i've managed to consult my friend who works at UNHCR regarding suitable public health programs. I'm thankful she's willing to help me out as a favor....no red tape! I owe her lots.

Progress seems slow, doens't it? Not really our fault. You see, there's really not much we can do on the surface until the organization is fully, officially registered. All necessary documents were submitted to the department in question over a week ago. Unfortunately, things are taking longer than they should. What can i say, we are all humans after all.

Next, the progress on nutrition. I've split it into nutrition & sanitation, and i've drafted out the implementation strategies. It seems volunteers for the nutrition will have a lot of 'factory work' to do, as in assembling the food packages & ensuring it gets to the destination & intended recepients. We may also wanna help out with comfort items like toothbrushes, clothes and sleeping bags, but all those are secondary to the food & hygiene program.

Now as VP, i'm compiling the modules from each of our departments/bureaus for our main organization's formal proposal; a standard version to approach third parties for sponsorship & collaboration. Sounds like a lot of work, but it shouldn't be so long as everyone pulls in their weight. Judging from the level of commitment the team has had from Day 1, i forsee minimal speed bumps. Fingers crossed!

Thats all i can say for now, coz everything else is beyond my jurisdiction and i dont wanna be stepping on anyone's toes on this. Once again, this is after all my own personal blog. Till next time, toodles!

K.i.d.s

It started with an invitation to come support Mazuin during the taping of Sejuta Impian. Its a new reality show on TV3 where contestants present their idea and the judges decide whether or not to give you money to realize your dream. Here's the catch : the project has to be beneficial to the community; so nothing purely business. The show should be on air starting May 15th, every Sunday at 7.30pm.

Needless to say, Mazuin got the money she asked for.

Anyway. When i first read about Mazuin's project, i was intrigued. It was reminiscent of something i had in mind long ago, Teachers Without Borders. I asked her details about her project and if there was any way i could help. She emailed her proposal, i gave my ideas and on the day of recording i ended up becoming something like her Manager & Team Captain for her 20 or so supporters.

So when it came time to set up her organization, K.i.d.s, naturally i wanted to be a part of it. Lo and behold, she decided to name me Vice President & Chief of Operations. Yeah!

Let me tell you a bit about K.i.d.s. Its a non-profit organization set up to help the street children of Malaysia, starting in Sabah. Why sabah? Because Sabah has the largest population of street children, and majority of them are from the Bajau Laut clan in Tawau and Semporna. We aim to bring education to them via Street School for Street Children, provide basic healthcare via Clinic on Wheels and basic nutrition supply and hygiene counselling via Nutrition & Living On-the-Go. That is the plan for now. K.i.d.s is already registered, but still waiting for the final verdict from the department. For now, we only have a facebook page. Check it out at http://www.facebook.com/WeLoveK.I.D.S

That's gonna be the main site. They say they'll start a twitter account once operations have begun (hopefully in June), and there may be a blog too. I sure hope so, coz then i get to jot down my experiences in the official blog as well. For now, there's nothing much we can do until we are really, really official....let's hope sooner rather than later.

To be honest, i have a sinking feeling that my days in the organization are numbered... I still believe in the cause very strongly. I just feel i dont have much to contribute as vice-president. I'll just leave it at that. But as they say, its all part of the job.

So, that is what's currently going on with me right now. I am definitely feeling more alive since becoming a part of the project. I'll write more once I have something. So take care; till next time, Goodbye!