Faith

Hello blog.
Its been a while. It is now the end of August. It is also Ramadhan. I took a long break from studies and my classes should start soon. Was it really Depression? Till today, i still haven't got it quite figured out. Is it just a scapegoat for me to blame my troubles? I really don't know. Did my 6-month break change anything? No. Regardless, it was what i needed and i cherished every minute of it.

I am on a strange journey to find myself again. I believe the past holds the key to the future, so i started to do things i haven't done in a long time : painting, exercise, gardening, reconnecting with friends from way back when. Reminded me of how i used to feel being around people : cheerful, confident, funny, in-control. I miss it, being the 'it' girl. The popular kid everyone knows and envies...and trashes on online message boards. It is sad to think that I was the girl who peaked in high school...both SGGS and MRSM. Thereafter, i felt my presence was redundant other than being in the company of my good friends. I could not see beyond what I had lacked; what qualities i 'needed' to be deemed successful in that stage.

Anyway. Juvenile matters aside, I guess in this young adult life i'm pretty much withdrawing into 'the simple life'. During my long break, I felt there's nothing that I look forward to than being home; cooking, cleaning, planting flowers and being with my pets. I want to have the time to myself, be it to go to the gym, or do groceries, get a massage, or just walk around in the mall. Of course this experience would have been much more enjoyable if there was no nagging or poking involved. It is this calm and peace of not having to think of anything or anyone, just to live everyday taking responsibility only for myself...it is somehow liberating. By no means do I wish to shun from society, but in this slower pace I finally had no guilt to express myself. To just stay in bed and cry till my soul had nothing more to give. To take credit on the small things like being able to clean my room or make someone happy for the day.

Within all this little joys, I realized that i view my entire journey in Medicine to be a failure...but it is not! It really isn't, if i listen to the protests from my friends and colleagues, and mum and dad...basically everyone else. I can't see the fact that I am actually doing OK. Not fantastic, but OK. I still have to convince myself. But i realized my skewed perception...that's a start, right?

Something happened last week. Emotionally I was distraught and had been crying for at least 3 days. I called a helpline, and cried some more. Went to see my dad and talk about my studies, then cried some more. A weird feeling came to me : I just wanted to pray, and i did. I cried a mixture of tears...grief, bitterness, anger, confusion, desperation...crying out my prayers, why i just dont understand how things could happen, turning out the way they do no matter how sincere you are and how much you give.... By the end of it, I was sobbing uncontrollably and had to call a friend. I woke up the next day feeling incredibly drained and tired, then it happened : God answered my prayers! He gave me a small piece of this puzzle, to help me with my journey to heal. I'll be honest and say I'm not religious and I don't pray much. But this incident caught me off guard, and i cried some more...bewildered, thankful, and moved because He listened. I won't go so far to say my faith in God and religion is restored or that i am repentant, but I definitely have a lot to think about. I am grateful that it happened to me.

Faith. Faith in oneself, faith in people, faith in a higher power, faith in happy endings. Different people put different emphasis on each one. For me, as long as you don't lose all of them, you can still make it somehow.
Maybe this post is a lil haphazard. But i just had to say something. Come what may. One day this nightmare will end for me. I have faith in that.